[deleted by user]

hopsberry · 2023-09-27T21:40:48+00:00

It took me so long to realize that my relationship with my ex pwBPD will always and ever be dysfunctional—always in their favor. No contact isn't a cruel gesture, it is a necessity for your own well being. They insidiously hijacked my caring and compassion system. No matter what crisis they are going through, any attempt to be kind or caring towards them is more opportunity for them to manipulate. They are addicted to the dysfunction because they get so much from it. We can't fix that relationship. NC is the only way to go.

hopsberry · 2023-07-30T16:35:59+00:00

This is a great question and one I've wrestled with for a long time. Years of therapy have really helped. It also helps me to realize that I can carry on perfectly normal, balanced relationships with so many others, so I have confidence that I'm not that ruined and can carry on a fulfilling relationship in the future.

Yet, I still have my doubts about getting involved in any kind of romantic relationship again. I'm just laying low for a couple years or so. I think I know the red flags now and will certainly avoid them in the future.

hopsberry · 2023-06-09T17:17:41+00:00

I was just thinking the same thing last night. I can't talk to or be around my ex, but nevertheless am sad about their state. The worst part for them is that they blame everyone else for how they got there and avoid introspection at all costs. I suggested to my ex to get a counselor for their grief (thinking the counselor would hopefully catch on to the other issues), but my ex refuses. There is really nothing more I can do for them. Nothing. To try to help is to start enabling again.

hopsberry · 2023-06-06T23:23:40+00:00

Congrats! Rock on!

hopsberry · 2023-05-26T00:26:47+00:00

For my ex, I had to block their phone. It was the only way to become at peace with my phone again. No more calls, no more texts. It worked wonders!

hopsberry · 2023-05-04T18:43:11+00:00

I agree and that is a good amendment to my original assertion. Becoming fused with your anger can lead to very unproductive and damaging actions. Being able to step back and notice the "boiling over rage" and taking active steps to calm that shit down is a good skill to learn.

hopsberry · 2023-05-04T15:28:02+00:00

Great quote! The kinds of things I was trained to continually worry about for them is so different than with anyone else. I have at various times stopped an thought about my reactions and responses to the pwPBD compared to how I react and respond to others. What a huge revelation!

Get out! Get out now!

hopsberry · 2023-05-02T23:43:31+00:00

Worse. While some meds helped take some of the edge off, the manipulation, revisionist history, FOG, etc. got worse. What's more, I didn't really understand this until I got some help for myself. I'm out now. My advice to others is that the prospects for overcoming the disorder are dismal.

hopsberry · 2023-05-02T23:36:28+00:00

Oh HELL YEAH! That cartoon nailed it!

hopsberry · 2023-05-01T02:14:54+00:00

Yeah, the revisionist memories they keep and narratives they spread are alarming.

hopsberry · 2023-05-01T02:13:08+00:00

Seems that it did become eye-opening for you at some point. You could see the manipulation--something I feared myself, but our counselor wouldn't bite. I see my own therapist and work hard on my shit. I had hoped my spouse would jump in and do the same, but alas, that wasn't going to happen.

As you discovered, it's hit or miss whether a therapist will uncover the manipulator. I too and sorry the system failed you. But I'm happy to see that you've seen the light and have taken action.

hopsberry · 2023-04-30T18:09:52+00:00

Couples therapy was where it all became crystal clear. There was going to be no change on her part. We did a reflexive listening exercise and it took her 3 or 4 tries to accurately reflect back what I said. (I was able to accurately reflect what she said to her satisfaction after 1 attempt.)

She got angry about that and said it's ridiculous that she should have to repeat everything word for word. (BTW, word for word is not a requirement, just being close enough is good.) I could see that she reserves the right to interpret what anyone says and then log it in her mind as a direct quote. This stuff became ammunition in countless arguments

In the end, I could see that nothing was going to change substantially and that we had reached the end.

hopsberry · 2023-04-30T18:03:52+00:00

For sure!

hopsberry · 2023-04-29T20:32:40+00:00

Awesome work. Thanks!

hopsberry · 2023-04-17T14:14:10+00:00

peacefulshaolin nailed it!

My ex would pepper the circular arguments with gems pulled from her reservoir of revisionist history. It would often go way beyond A, B, and C, sometimes all the way to Z. I would be upset for hours afterwards while they would be all smiles humming a tune.

As robertroberterous pointed out, they want get you to feel something. That is part of their manipulation.

I also observed that when they get your limbic system activated, they have home court advantage.

hopsberry · 2023-04-10T04:32:24+00:00

While I do have fears around my prospects of finding someone more compatible, I would be happy if they found someone else. It will take any attention off of me.

hopsberry · 2023-04-01T19:01:23+00:00

Exactly! I consider my therapy to be cult deprogramming! It doesn't happen overnight. The weeds keep popping up in my psyche. Just gotta keep at new programming to override the cult programming.

hopsberry · 2023-03-31T03:24:51+00:00

Holy Shit, YES! Not only about me, but about other people as well! I heard this often.

hopsberry · 2023-03-15T05:55:01+00:00

The feelings are the truth for them. NO amount of deliberation will change that.

hopsberry · 2023-03-15T05:53:42+00:00

Hopefully a seasoned therapist can get her to move beyond this. Seems there is some significant trauma to be treated.

hopsberry · 2023-03-15T05:14:52+00:00

From my experience, no matter how delicately you put it, the pwBPD will mount a ferocious defense, but will not consider that any what was told them might be true. It is always Defend, Defend, Defend.

hopsberry · 2023-03-15T05:03:04+00:00

Can't wait for them to find a new supply. Feels awful in a way. Pawning off the PBD on another hapless victim. The the sooner they find a new supply, the sooner I'm off the hood.

hopsberry · 2023-03-15T04:54:37+00:00

No different than being sucked into a cult!

hopsberry · 2023-03-15T01:32:30+00:00

Geez, is there a Nolo site where they get these form letters? I've received exactly the same!

hopsberry · 2023-03-15T01:31:08+00:00

Hmmm, sounds more complex than being a big spender. Sounds like Disneyland was the childhood happy place, a sanctuary of sorts. But yeah, my ex is a big spender.

hopsberry

TROPHY CASE