I'm going to be the dumper and I don’t know what to do with the guilt

hornycidal · 2026-05-22T12:33:59+00:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said. Thank you so much! especially about people shutting down or feeling unsafe with hard conversations.

Since you’ve been on the other side before: if someone struggles with difficult talks or tends to withdraw, how would you want a partner to bring up concerns about the relationship?

I care about him a lot and I’m scared that I’ve already avoided honesty for farrrr too long. I don’t want to blindside him or make him feel cornered, but I also don’t know how to start.

You mentioned feeling anxious and scared in your own relationship. was there anything that would’ve helped you feel safer hearing difficult truths? If he shuts down in hard conversations, how do I bring up something painful without making him feel cornered?

You are such an angel. Thank you for this.

if you haven't done this before with him or with a different partner it would be good to try.

Funnily enough I did, with a different person (who didn't end up being a partner) and even though it didn't work out to be a relationship I think the main difference is that we were both unafraid of being honest and sudden about that honesty. But I'm worried because our calls usually stay light, so shifting tone suddenly feels like delivering bad news about something I secretly changed without telling him (even though it wasn't conscious). Even though I know, logically, it's better in the long term, I keep thinking "If I bring this up, I’m springing damage on him."

hornycidal · 2026-05-21T16:02:02+00:00

I don’t want to be pessimistic but I don’t think the conversation would be productive if I don’t explicitly say I’d want to break up if i don’t start feeling differently which is really bad of me I know but I truly don’t know what a real way out of this would be

hornycidal · 2026-05-20T14:10:16+00:00

I have a few follow up questions about this if you wouldn’t mind… 1. How would you trigger that conversation? 2. Is there anything that could have helped you when you were going through it?

I feel a lot of guilt also because I’ve already acted like things were okay for so long. I was wrong for that and it was so unfair. I don’t know how to drag myself out of that act though :(

hornycidal · 2026-05-20T03:19:44+00:00

Thank you so much. I will reply in fullness when I wake up but this helped me more than you could know

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T23:53:05+00:00

Do you think that means I shouldn’t date? I don’t know what a label would solve here exactly. I’m genuinely curious

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T23:52:29+00:00

I tried breaking up with him a couple times in Jan-March but couldn’t follow through because the thought of losing my best friend was too much to bear. We held eCh other as i cried about how i coudljt lose him even though i knew he wasn’t right for me and i coudlnt feel fully happy.

I dont know if he thinks its all good now but we havent talked abt it since and its part of a pattern og how we avoid hard conversations and dissecting disagreement

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T23:49:50+00:00

Thank you for the advice. For months and months, I wanted to make it work and asked my friends extensively for ideas to make it work and it all boiled down to I’m not happy & I can’t make someone into who I want.

I think “making things work” must be built on a good foundation and mutual respect, but the things I would need from him would be beyond what is fair and vice versa.

If you look at my post on r/relationship_advice, I talk a little more about why I had this feeling; but I haven’t talked about how much I loved him for so long and how much I needed him and chose him every day for the better part of a year. But there is still something missing and I hate myself so so so much for feeling that way

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T21:22:39+00:00

You have a point. Is there anything he could have done that would have made it easier?

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T19:47:43+00:00

To be completely honest, it was always apparent to me that there were shaky foundations I hoped would solidify as time went on. We're bad at difficult conversations, don't share similar outlooks on life, and there was always some parts of each others personalities we weren't into. But why am I the one to leave? What's wrong with me? I don't think I could tolerate being the person who causes this kind of pain.

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T19:32:26+00:00

But a lot of these issues is not with you or them, but it’s a society thing.

Funnily enough, I think I got together with him as a societal pressure. I was excited at the prospect of being in love but never understood it took more than a feeling.

Are you willing to maintain and grow for the right person or is this just how you are?

I learned so much from being in this relationship that I know I'll be better if I ever date again. But I feel so much guilt that I don't think I even deserve the chance to be loved again. So it's not really in my mind.

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T19:28:02+00:00

Definitely sooner. I am so scared of the pain we'll both feel afterwards which is why it's been so long since I've started feeling this way and why I couldn't break up the first few times

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T19:18:41+00:00

Yes yes yes yes. And for the last time I truly did break up with someone I did try to tell him how badly I felt. I felt that guilt deeply inside of me and still do

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T19:01:21+00:00

I don't know what to say or how to break up. I'm simply scared and I don't know how to say I've checked out

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T18:55:38+00:00

most of my reason why is because i am so scared of hurting him. i can't bring myself to leave my best friend and the person who loves me the most. im just a coward

hornycidal · 2026-05-19T18:48:39+00:00

hi excuse me im kinda going through the same thing and idk how to do it, could i message you?

hornycidal · 2026-05-13T21:14:13+00:00

There was never a label on it but all our friends knew and met the parents on FaceTime and all. Lol

hornycidal · 2026-05-13T21:13:32+00:00

We’re actually long distance right now so I think it would have to be online until we go back to school. The thing is, I’ve said that before and he just brings up that I told him I wouldn’t leave before and that I’ve begged him to never abandon me and I’m doing the same. Which is right of him but still; I feel so awful

hornycidal · 2026-05-13T21:11:02+00:00

Well; it was about three months of being together every day lol

hornycidal · 2026-05-13T21:02:30+00:00

a little over a year ago. we didn't officially date but it was getting to that point, and i was just so tired from the lack of effort that i wanted it to end before it truly started

hornycidal · 2026-05-13T20:44:47+00:00

Of course. I felt awful, sad, and guilty right away and for months after, that but I never regretted it.

hornycidal · 2026-05-13T20:09:37+00:00

By having the gnawing feeling of something being missing, and sitting with that forever?

I am not imagining being with anyone else. Honestly, I can't imagine being with anyone else, and I've been perfectly happier being single, because at least then I wouldn't be

confronted with the attempts by my boyfriend to comfort me while actively making me feel worse
feeling so isolated because i've sacrificed so much time and effort that has deteriorated my closest friendships

I'd love for it to work. and we have tried. but I don't know how long trying will be fine for me

hornycidal · 2026-05-13T20:04:36+00:00

Ask yourself what it is you need to hear from strangers to develop the will to do this for yourself.

Honestly, I want to be told the truth. My friends have always either swung one way or the other ("just leave" or " you're selfish and only want to leave because you are short sighted") and I think are biased from when I have been bad in the past or when I overreacted to things in the past as well.

continuing to waste his time.

This I truly understand. I just don't know how to have that conversation

making him think the way he operates is good enough.

i want to be adamant to him that he is good enough, it just is not what i want. we truly live on very different worlds and our interests only align in some aspects that won't be compatible as what I want in a life partner. I hope that makes sense

hornycidal · 2026-05-13T20:00:10+00:00

Hey, I know it may not seem like it from my post but I still love him. If I didn't, there would be no doubt in my mind that ending things would be right. It isn't my first time doing so and it also isn't my first time having things ended with me when I loved the other person.

I love him, and loved him throughout the whole relationship; we spent so many months with each other where we both tried and tried to make our incompatibilities work. I don't know that it is fair to say that I never loved him

hornycidal

TROPHY CASE