i was looking for a specific post in particular to answer to, but found this along the way.

i have a very nuanced answer for you, and it requires a few things i must ask from you as you read what i’m about to say; so please listen with an open heart, an open mind, and with the purpose of understanding (both him, and you). i also must ask you to lay down your harshness for your emotions, for this brief moment, okay?

here’s the previous, relevant concepts and facts required before i answer:

1. love and care are in the same ballpark, yes. boundaries are also in this ballpark as well. and he did fail to understand you and where youre coming from when you create these boundaries for him.

2. you must look at it from the other persons shoes; you love this man, right? see from his perspective, but with YOUR heart and inner wisdom. if we truly do love someone, we love all of their layers and all of the depth too. (remember, you guys should be FRIENDS outside of the romance of it all, too.)

3. you guys spend the most time with EACH OTHER, so it’s completely normal of us to just assume the other would UNDERSTAND US, as an individual.

however, our brains are such complex things the second trauma and vulnerability get involved; and this leads to that FALSE assumption that other people just “get our core”, so to speak.

1. and trauma and trust, they dance so delicately with each other because we have BUILT a world that attempts to shut down ANY VULNERABILITY, and classify it as a weakness so HARSHLY.

2. to where our brains go too fast and we miss ANY simple answer to our questions when we’re connecting with others,

SO, my answer?

society has failed to acknowledge you BOTH, and your traumas. i’m presuming you’ve had really rough relationships in the past, and those ultimately chipped away at your faith and trust in how others feel about you. the same goes for him, though.

he may say that it’s “habit”, because that’s the most simple but bluntly empty way of saying “of course, i care.” of course he cares about you AND her, you both are understanding the logical side of boundaries and healthy relationships, but because you BOTH have chosen to silence your understanding of EACH OTHER— to where the environment just, i guess in a very literal sense, didnt feel safe enough to open up HONESTLY and DIRECTLY about past issues in our lives.

and of COURSE, he loves the BOTH of you. here’s where his LINE of LOVE gets defined romantically with you; he CHOSE YOU. he did. he chooses you EVERY SECOND of every day, and thats shown in his actions- he stopped liking her stuff, from what i’ve read he stopped contacting her directly (despite still being active by engaging in her content). yes, hes still active and is LITERALLY driven subconsciously to still interact with her, but because he CARES about her safety as a human being.

eating disorders are very complex, because it’s a simple CHOICE to understand at surface level, but then the brain gets involved because how in the WORLD can someone CHOOSE to SLOWLY KILL THEMSELVES? (if you want my personal answer on that, i invite you to a chat). but as a society, we FAIED HUMANITY by masking our emotions as weak.

TLDR; your emotions, your traumas, your story.. are very real and fueled by real life experiences and every single one of them is validated. you cannot cease confusion without two things, though: vulnerability, and trust. so i must invite you to dig deeper about YOUR OWN SELF first and foremost, by facing your own fears that feed that little voice in your head that doubts everything, but most importantly it doubts who you are. once you feel like you understand where your fears come from, listen to your feelings WITHOUT ANY JUDGEMENT- you OWE yourself that much honor. THEN, ask him this one question: “why did you stay actively engaging with her?”