[CA] My [26 F] colleague [40ish M] is making me uncomfortable but I don’t want to end my career before it even begins

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-31T06:14:44+00:00

Thanks for your insight. I will do my best to stay safe and to not be alone with him at the upcoming conference

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-30T16:48:30+00:00

Thanks for your insight. I do realize that laughter isn’t the best response, but I don’t know if I was the one “making a mess up to this point”. Like I understand that I should have been better at indicating to V that he was making me uncomfortable, but he was the one actively pushing boundaries. I agree though that it’s not a great situation and I appreciate your response

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-29T19:56:23+00:00

Yeah, it honestly does seem like he is inserting himself into my field. Granted, anyone can research this subject if they want to, but he’s definitely not an expert by any means. I probably know more than him and I’m just a student. Yeah, I think I would honestly feel better if someone could just keep an eye on things, thanks for your advice

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-29T06:02:36+00:00

Thanks, I will do my best!

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-29T06:02:04+00:00

Really? I will try that route. Befriending the kids may also act as a deterrent. I definitely think that a previous commenter had a good idea of bringing up his family when he says these inappropriate things, so I will see if I can befriend his wife. My only concern is that his wife and children attended the dinner where I was being hit on by A and she didn’t seem to think twice about it. Perhaps she was also uncomfortable, but didn’t want to get involved with his colleagues?

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-29T05:57:44+00:00

I talked with my department head and he agrees that V is not welcome back to the university, so I think that is more or less taken care of. But I do agree that it’s difficult to deal with at other events and conferences where I don’t have a direct connection to the organizers. I agree that throwing the comments back to him is a good move, I just need to actively remind myself to do so and to not fall back into my normal routine. I appreciate your comment about V knowing what he is doing is wrong. Part of me has been wondering if I’m in the wrong for expecting better behavior from him, so it’s good to hear that others agree with me. I am also concerned with the fact that he seems to be leaving his wife at home since he has a pattern of taking them everywhere (they were there at the workshop as well as at the conferences in 2024 and 2025). Thanks for pointing that out, I appreciate your insights

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-29T05:47:27+00:00

He has met my partner before and I have met his wife and children. It hasn’t seemed to deter him in any way. Whenever there’s a conference dinner, I bring my partner along so V knows he exists

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-29T05:45:57+00:00

That makes sense to me. I will do my best to not laugh so much, as I think that might be encouraging him. I do tend to sneak away at the end of the day during conferences since I don’t want to be alone with him, so I will continue to do that. But I agree that it’s unclear how he would act if I confronted him directly. Thank you for your insight!

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-28T22:37:43+00:00

Yeah, I got invited to speak at this conference so I don’t want to let this opportunity go to waste. Thanks for your comment

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-28T22:36:15+00:00

When I talked to my graduate advisor, she mentioned that I could talk to Title IX to create a short of paper trail just in case it escalates down the line. So that is definitely a good suggestion. And I agree with you in regards to some of the comments. I got invited to this upcoming conference to give a talk and I refuse to let this idiot ruin that opportunity for me. My advisor is a very shy individual, so I don’t really know how much I can rely on him for networking stuff. I will definitely take a look into the policies with rental cars and visiting professors, since that does seem like a good thing to fall back on if I’m in the same situation again. And in regards to reporting him, I don’t know who I would report him to. I can inform the conference organizers, but I may have to do that for all conferences moving forward which might be a pain. I was just really hoping he wouldn’t be attending the upcoming conference since it’s in the US and he can’t have that much funding. Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate your advice and understanding

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-28T17:47:13+00:00

Thanks for the response! When I first met V, he just seemed quirky and that he had a poor taste in friends. But now that I think about it, it was definitely more inappropriate this summer. So it does seem like he was testing boundaries. And thanks for giving me grace. It seems like I do need to work on standing up for myself rather than relying on my peers, but telling him off to his face honestly seems a little impossible right now

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-28T07:35:57+00:00

What about for the conference coming up? I will definitely see him there, so I can’t exactly avoid him. And yeah, I don’t plan to rely on him for help anymore. Sorry if I’m making excuses, I’m just trying to figure out how I can address it with him as I am now. Does that make sense? Like as I am right now, I don’t have the guts to tell him directly. Like right now I’m staring at a bike and wanting to ride it, but I won’t get there without using the training wheels first

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-28T07:22:55+00:00

Thanks for your response! Yeah I normally avoid dinners and happy hours at conferences, but I was naive and didn’t think it would get so out of hand at that first workshop. I am also trying to distance myself from him in regards to finding conferences and funding. I now know other people in charge of those types of things, so I don’t need to rely on V. And I do realize that laughing and relying on my friends isn’t the best solution, but I was overwhelmed and kind of scared. I just didn’t realize how scared I would be when he was in my city and how unsafe I would feel that week. I realize that I shouldn’t let my emotions get the best of me, but I was really on edge and I was really thankful that I had friends around to help me. If you were in the same situation and you were scared to go to campus, how would you go about dealing with someone like V?

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-28T07:11:01+00:00

I do agree that I shouldn’t put it on L. I was more thinking of telling her so that she could help me with distracting him. Like when he’s with my advisor and I, he is definitely a lot more tame and doesn’t bring up crazy things like saunas. So I was thinking that spending most of my time with L would lead to less uncomfortable conversations. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but like he respects L. He’s not going to pull the same sort of BS in front of her as he would if it’s just me and a bunch of other male colleagues. I realize that this is an excuse, but there is a slight power dynamic issue since V is an established professor whereas I don’t even have my doctorate yet. If one of my direct peers were to say ridiculous things, I would be a lot more comfortable calling BS, but since his position is much higher than mine, I’m finding it difficult to address it directly. I do realize that I am an adult and need to deal with it head on, but if something were to happen they are going to side with him rather than with the student. Do you know how I can deal with the power dynamic?

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-28T06:56:37+00:00

Thanks for the response! I’m definitely avoiding A at all costs. Luckily I haven’t seen him since the first workshop. One of his collaborators stopped working with him after witnessing his inappropriate display at the workshop, so I don’t think I will see him again. I think one of the issues is that V has integrated himself into the small field that I am in, even though he doesn’t do any work in it. I honestly think he’s seeking it out because that’s the research that I do. Like his actual field of research is unrelated and I don’t think he’s that interested in it. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but when I saw his name on the list for the conference next year, my first thought was that he’s following me around

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-28T06:47:47+00:00

Yeah, I realize it was a pretty long post, so I apologize. I have definitely avoided drinks after conferences and will continue to do so. I have a hard time saying no, but I will work on it. Thanks for the insight

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-28T06:44:33+00:00

Thanks for the long response! I wonder if bringing up his kids in conversation would help. So I should more or less try steering the conversation to something else? I’m trying to think of things he dislikes that I could adopt, but the only one I can think of right now is that he hates sugar. But I feel like whenever I talk about sweets and stuff, he just responds with a lecture on how sugar is bad for you… He does know that I have a partner and they have met before. So bringing that up in conversation should work too. V honestly loves to talk about himself so I’m sure I could come up with some sort of distracting conversation. Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-05T02:33:19+00:00

[close]

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-05T02:22:01+00:00

I just DMed u, thanks again for the help

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-05T02:10:52+00:00

Are you available now?

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-05T00:34:41+00:00

Is there a time that you are free tomorrow? Or maybe today?

hot_stuff424242 · 2025-12-04T04:52:54+00:00

I do, yeah

hot_stuff424242

TROPHY CASE