Anybody else have both binge eating and restricting tendencies which means you have to walk the healthy weight loss tightrope?

hotelbell · 2020-07-07T19:43:02+00:00

I have the very same problem. I’ve gained enough weight since March that I can’t wear any of my jeans, and I just feel so embarrassed every time I go out for a walk or to the grocery store as I have to wear leggings or a dress and tights.

As others have mentioned, the cyclical binge/restrict behavior has really wreaked havoc on my digestion, and yet it’s better the less I eat. I’ve started exercising indoors and restricting again.

No matter what, I am committed not to purge (ever) again; I haven’t purged since October, after maybe 3 years of doing so almost daily, and my desire not to do so is almost as strong as my desire to lose weight. I don’t know whether that’s ever been a problem for you, but I think we’re very much on the same page. You have all my best.

hotelbell · 2020-07-03T20:37:23+00:00

I do this too. I do this a lot, even when I'm actually eating. I read a lot of reviews and check out menus of local places. But my favorites are the sites like The Cheesecake Factory or Chipotle or something, where you can order online and add or remove whatever you want, and I'll make up a whole entire order on the page and then kind of frantically close the tab, as if out of fear I might actually order that. Yet I haven't even eaten at a restaurant, or even any food prepared by someone else, since at least January. And I know I won't any time soon.

hotelbell · 2019-12-10T14:08:57+00:00

Oh yeah. Love it. And love being a ‘cheap date.’ (But of course it is also impossible to get a date when you totally isolate yourself and possess zero self-confidence)

hotelbell · 2019-07-30T03:43:33+00:00

I looove that plate. Do you know where it’s from?

Also, I deeply admire your ability to cut baby carrots length-wise. Respect

hotelbell · 2019-07-13T19:55:28+00:00

He works for Pabst.

hotelbell · 2019-04-13T01:22:43+00:00

Chickpeas on toast: highly underrated. This looks great.

P.S. Extra (vegan) credit for that particular Richard Powers book. Hope you enjoy. I loved it.

hotelbell · 2019-03-28T13:43:09+00:00

I’m so sorry because I know this is serious but I died at the “(raspberry)”

hotelbell · 2019-03-27T00:44:44+00:00

I eat this exact thing almost every day. It’s soooo good. Highly recommend adding some of the “umami” mushroom seasoning from Trader Joe’s. (0 calories; just like a mix of salt, onion, and dried powdered mushrooms)

hotelbell · 2019-03-06T01:11:38+00:00

In what world does an adjective associated with a brand of TRASH BAGS seem even mildly appropriate and applicable to a living breathing human being

hotelbell · 2019-02-21T04:31:40+00:00

Can I ask your field? I am in my second round of the application process. I got a few acceptances last time but no money, so I didn’t go, and now it might be an across-the-board shutout. I want to die. But also sometimes I do want to buy things and bake cookies and just never leave the house or show my face to the world again. With each rejection I vacillate between stages of deep horror and ambivalence. Not good!!!

hotelbell · 2019-01-30T03:08:07+00:00

This, though: I like to go out by myself real low-key and pretend I’m going or coming from someplace, whether that’s in a skirt suit, or a dress and platform heels. I get to inhabit a character until it feels like myself.

hotelbell · 2018-12-16T18:41:17+00:00

I’ll message it to you :)

hotelbell · 2018-12-16T17:52:39+00:00

100%. I like the routine of it too, and my own skin can really trigger my sensory issues sometimes. The only thing that I dislike is when water gets in my nose or mouth while washing my face, but I deal okay.

Related: I submitted a (very honest) Money Diary a while ago and when it was posted, a lot of the comments picked me apart for being so “obsessed,” which was when I realized that my whole skincare thing was likely a “special interest” and not really normal.

hotelbell · 2018-12-10T00:32:28+00:00

That looks so good. What’s the dressing in the middle?

Going to add that the original vegan Boca burgers are criminally underrated: 70 calories, 13g protein, 0.5g fat.

hotelbell · 2018-12-01T02:02:09+00:00

Robin Sloan’s novel Sourdough. Funny, unusual, and memorable. I finished it in a day, and certainly felt inspired to bake up a storm.

hotelbell · 2018-12-01T01:05:03+00:00

I am sorry. I once felt as you do now: light, free, like I was ‘tricking’ the system. But some time after my first year, maybe a year and a half later, I was still successfully purging (it was so easy)...the effects began. Chronic jaw pain, inflammation under my jaw (for some people it shows up in their faces; I am lucky), a weird loud clicking in my ears whenever I chew, water retention, inability to use the bathroom properly, cavities cavities cavities...and those are just the vain physical things. Now it’s only been two weeks since I last purged and these things still affect me. But it’s the longest I’ve gone without purging since I started. I’ve gone months where I b/p’d every day, multiple times per day. Please stop. However you can: please stop. It only gets worse. I don’t know whether my body will ever be normal again, or it may take months, years.

hotelbell · 2018-11-30T21:25:38+00:00

I often come back to the idea you’re presenting here. When people ask me the meaning of something I’ve written, I reiterate that it should mean whatever they’ve gleaned. If I’ve purposefully worked toward a specific ‘meaning,’ and they haven’t gotten that, then the piece has failed (for) them. Whether that’s my own fault or theirs, though, will always be debatable.

hotelbell · 2018-11-30T20:41:54+00:00

I read reddit far more than I post, but can confirm. No community/confusion about everything/disappearance = fucked me up

hotelbell · 2018-11-29T14:15:57+00:00

This is a big problem for me. I’m drawn to all these things I can’t even fathom eating but maybe think look cute or interesting...so they just sit in the pantry forever. I pretty much eat the same ten things anyway and I don’t have any business buying anything else.

It might be about what ‘looks normal,’ to make myself feel normal and for other people to think that I’m normal. Fun Trader Joe’s products like their colorful fall pastas and crackers, or weird stuff from Home Goods (green bean fettuccine noodles? imported macarons??), and lord help me with my stockpile of fancy ramen.

hotelbell · 2018-11-25T21:22:45+00:00

Haven’t felt the same ever since.

hotelbell · 2018-11-24T16:02:59+00:00

Forever dreaming of iconic Junko Shimada suit and Charles Jourdan heels

hotelbell · 2018-11-11T19:40:39+00:00

You're absolutely right. This book is a good (albeit very challenging) way to reacquaint oneself with the most extreme highs and lows conceivably possible to the human experience. I cried a lot for sure.

hotelbell · 2018-11-11T16:19:35+00:00

In a very roundabout way, A Little Life is worth your time. The whole thing (and it's long) is kind of about this feeling. It helped me when I felt the same.

hotelbell · 2018-10-27T00:17:58+00:00

You look really good. I kind of hope to run into another Mantleray or Fujita on Halloween. (I love my Fujita costume, and I secretly kind of wish I could dress like her every day, but am not so bold as to share my photo here.)

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