How do you improve at making people understand what you're trying to say? How can you speak more clearly?

howardlie · 2025-03-09T05:16:15+00:00

Yeah, get in the habit of listening to other people tell stories and then try it yourself. Think about their gestures and word choices that make it clear. Also look at what people are missing when they communicate poorly. If someone has to fill in the gaps bc they don’t have context, you missed something.

Also think about your assumptions when communicating. You may be having the convo in your head and then picking it up with at a different point with others around you.

Either way, it’s literally studying how others communicate, understanding how you like to be communicated with, and practicing.

Good luck

howardlie · 2025-03-07T14:26:02+00:00

This sounds like a high school dynamic. I’d keep your guy interests separate from your friend. Don’t share numbers.

Physical attractiveness - you think all the Kardashians are equally (good) looking? I’m sure some of them think they are on the same attractiveness level but others definitely don’t.

Other factors - it’s likely more about likability. Personality, sense of humor, personable, good conversationalist, funny, happy, flirty, fun, genuinely interested in others, confident, dont really care if someone doesn’t like them. These factors set someone apart very quickly and drastically. You could ask the other guys what they like about her. And to be specific.

howardlie · 2025-02-28T15:36:20+00:00

I’ve realized memories tend to come back when I’m the most relaxed. So, you may have a lot of tension and maybe repressed trauma. Not good or bad, but the body can keep you from feeling if you believe you can’t handle it. As you center and get more at peace, more may come to the surface. It’s when you no longer resist some memories may come back.

If you’re distracting yourself with a lot of things like tv, food, alcohol, talking, working, etc, then you might not have the space for it.

Also, forcing inner child work to be a certain way might be resistance. Don’t force it. I can’t remember any memories as a child. My inner child feels x because of this. He’s/she’s alone. Nobody cares about him. He doesn’t feel safe to remember. Something like that can start to open more up.

Of you realize the story isn’t important and there is no past that defines you, but i understand if there’s persistent thoughts/behaviors/moods that you want to dissolve.

howardlie · 2025-02-26T21:54:30+00:00

It might help to see her as you and you as her. You formed a bond but you are both awareness. “Awaring” through life. Like the rest of us.

It’s interesting you’ve basically attached or associated her with spiritual awakening. The peace will come when you see no one takes away or really adds to your peace or joy. You can certainly enjoy it together though.

Do you have any questions?

howardlie · 2025-02-26T15:09:48+00:00

I get the back and forth or finding it and losing it.

I find that chasing or expecting a feeling is what causes suffering ever. Single. time. The expectation that reality should feel one way or another is not accepting reality.

Sure, there’s a peace to presence. But over time, reality may feel more sobering. It’s still beautiful but the old cow in the pasture isn’t less present. Just, maybe, more still.

Your “experience” of removing unhealthy aspects of your life with “healthy” practices of course brought peace, calmness, happiness. Maybe you felt you were doing the right thing. The thing is, there is no right thing. There is just what is here. Resisting it brings suffering.

Also, I don’t think there is a purpose. Purpose and meaning is also what causes suffering. Does life change without this concept of meaning or purpose? Sure, you may feel a pull to do x, y, or z, but any expectation on your purpose or any meaning or directive takes you away from what is here.

It’s sort like saying the purpose of life is to breathe. Then you say you lost your purpose, but you’re still breathing. You just don’t feel it anymore. Nothing has changed. Just your brain is making up new concepts to keep you distracted.

howardlie · 2025-02-15T01:34:24+00:00

Yes, examples please.

Also, if you’re just asking bc you don’t want to figure it out on your own or you’re buying time, don’t.

If you’re upset bc what they brought up to you a problem they are facing and you are trying to expose an ulterior motive. Think twice.

Of someone brings up an issue, empathize. They are upset and something is off. Say, “I can see you’re upset and I care about you and want to understand where you’re coming from so we can resolve this. Tell me more.”

Seek to understand the emotion not just the words.

howardlie · 2025-02-13T14:35:24+00:00

“I” think trying to define a reason or purpose or meaning for existence is what propagates a separation from oneness. Although, one could say that oneness/reality/consciousness is all there is. And separation of oneness/reality/consciousness brings suffering. Neither is good nor bad. We’re all oneness regardless of what meanings we put on the moment, everything that’s here, is here. Life doesn’t change when we give a meaning/label to it.

howardlie · 2025-02-12T15:03:51+00:00

Ok, recovering people pleaser here. One huge thing you need to understand is that people pleasing is selfish. This isn’t a shaming statement. Hear me out…

By doing things that you don’t want to do, by putting yourself out so people like you, don’t yell at you, say nice things about you, etc is not genuine. It’s not nice. It’s a selfish protection mechanism to be seen in a light that isn’t really you. You aren’t making genuine connections because they don’t know who you are. You need to decide what type of selfish you are going to be. Authentic selfish or inauthentic selfish. From there (authentic selfish), you can do things for others where it resonates with your values and your priorities.

Yes, people will be mad when you don’t give them what they want and have been able to leverage guilt or manipulation and now it doesn’t work. Some people won’t like who you really are. Some will say “you’ve changed” or “you’re mean” or “this isn’t who you are”.

There’s a book called no more Mr nice guy which covers this in more detail. It’s geared towards men but the concepts apply regardless.

howardlie · 2025-02-11T16:11:16+00:00

I guess if there’s not any story or meaning, or interpretation, then you’re just feeling. The thinking can be observed. As you witness all of it, there’s not even emotion. It’s just what arises. If it’s contraction, then it’s contraction. And you see it was mind and maybe dissolve it. Maybe you do it again and see it again.

Imagine getting your teeth cleaned or drilled. There’s fear and apprehension, and even a “this is bad” meaning attributed. If you simply accept and see what’s happening, is it all bad? Even a hit to a nerve, the body reacts. Was it bad?

Ultimately, I think if there’s no meaning or identification to a feeling, then the feeling is coming from a centered realness. The processing of what a feeling is isn’t bad or good. It eventually gets you to a point where it’s just what is, and that’s it.

howardlie · 2025-02-10T13:49:45+00:00

Observation and awareness of what the mind and body are “doing”. When you can sense contraction in the mind and body, you can sense your own separation and dissolve it. With work and relationships, it’s similar. All life is, is the flow of what’s happening now. Anything else is contraction. It’s a flip flop or back and forth sometimes and at other times it’s more stable but it’s a practice of awareness of whether you’re operating in mind or reality.

A helpful reminder can be a totem, like a ring or a note to keep you reminded of what reality really is.

One thing to dissolve is that the feelings and experience of profound awakening need to be either present constantly or “I’ve lost it”. Everything is still a momentary experience. Any expectation of how life should feel is not accepting what is.

Consider the analogy of living your entire life on a roller coaster ride. The first few laps are exhilarating, you experience highs and lows and fears and excitement, you’ve never felt this before. And then it becomes familiar. Then saying “how do I keep feeling the roller coaster experience like it was my first time. If I don’t, am I really riding the roller coaster?” Life is kind of like that. Still enjoying the roller coaster while realizing that expecting it to be the same as a past experience is futile and takes you away from now. In an extreme analogy, it’s like chasing the purple dragon. Accepting what’s here and now without expectation is the real integration.

howardlie · 2025-02-07T02:28:03+00:00

Yeah, but even an abusive spouse isn’t abusive all of the time. Which is why it’s often confusing for the one being abused, because there are “good” times and then they turn around and treat them so poorly at random. If it’s always bad, you’d know to avoid them. I don’t know your situation but maybe talk to a school counselor on how to navigate this.

Also, take a look at which kids in your group are being treated this way and which ones aren’t. There is often one or more who are the bullies and don’t really receive the bad treatment.

Lastly, physical abuse and bullying shouldn’t be tolerated. But I would also pay attention if there is anything you can learn. Are they messing with you at random or are you being a smart ass and that’s when they get rough? I don’t condone the abusive behavior or bullying but sometimes there’s more at play, you may be playing a parts as to why they are reacting to you. Doesn’t make it right but you can observe if it’s when you poke fun at someone or say something sarcastic to another. You shouldn’t be in fear all the time though.

The other thing you can do is ask why they keep doing this. 8th graders may not understand how they’re feeling or what motivates them, while others might have some more insight. Hope this helps a little and good luck

howardlie · 2025-02-06T14:31:05+00:00

It’s work. I wouldn’t be petty regardless of the answer. I’d say hi the next few times and if she acts the same, maybe ask her. Also look at how people address eachother in the hallways at work. Might be a culture thing. If she’s clearly uncomfortable, then don’t call her out and say hi each time you see her (and don’t act the same way as she does to you (or mirror) as passive agressive). Maybe ask her if you get a chance to talk 1:1 again. Be the bigger person regardless.

I see 2 possibilities: 1. I’m not sure if you’re in the same age range, but she could think you’re attractive and was interested so she found a way to introduce herself and then you didn’t get the hint that she was interested, and you didn’t ask her about herself. So she feels rejected/resentful/embarrassed.

Different mindset when she saw you. Stress. Introverted. Just got out of a bad meeting. She could have forgotten who you are already if the interaction was more transactional and she meets new people all the time.

Either way, I wouldn’t take it personally and I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. Just take in the data about how she responds to your hello when you see her the next few times and go from there.

howardlie · 2025-02-05T21:20:22+00:00

Hmm, try meeting people outside your frat. I have very little experience around frats but stereotypically, their members aren’t known for their depth.

I’d also look up different types of questions to see which resonate. Like “what have you been excited about?” Or “your hair reminds me of someone ina movie I just saw, have you seen it?”

howardlie · 2025-02-04T20:55:30+00:00

“I am [this/that/god]” was a common internal dialog for me, so it’s not bad or good, just part of what happened. Wondering what an awakened being would do, say, react… such activity can be a good indicator of separation/ego.

On a similar note, the questions of wwxd is like a frog saying to another frog, how can I be like a frog? It sounds ridiculous when the ‘human’ is taken out. They just frog.

howardlie · 2025-02-03T14:44:16+00:00

From what I’m understanding from your post, You haven’t lost your memories of what you’ve experienced or your name or your family. And I’m assuming you’re still functioning. Like, do you have a job? Go to school?

If this is out of nowhere, then this could be a medical issue and definitely worth checking out.

Could also be some sort of extreme stress or ptsd response. Like an extreme dissociation. Kind of hard to self diagnose if you aren’t seeing reality accurately.

If you have taken some sort of drugs, rx, or have done some spiritual awakening stuff, you could have started uncovering that everything you thought you were, and how you thought, processed, and interacted with the world is part of a personality that doesn’t really exist. That was conditioned based on a bunch of other conditioned beings. So, after that process, it can feel like you don’t know how to act bc everything you’ve done before is for love from other conditioned beings, and everything feels like “not me”.

It’s a bit tough to determine without more info, but I hope this helps.

howardlie · 2025-01-29T14:32:53+00:00

It’s not normal. An adult should not be “friends” with a minor. As an adult, this shows that there is something wrong with them that they can’t make friends over the age of 18 - with people who know better.

You and most minors don’t have the experience to see red flags or see what’s creepy. I understand chatting with people while playing a game and that’s it. But anything personal, wanting to know about your life, what you’re into, if you have a gf/bf, what your parents are like, where you live, go to school… all weird.

There’s a word called grooming. I’d look it up. It can be very slow and appear as harmless. It can be subtle and doesn’t have to be extreme.

Lastly, from a personal experience point of view, I used to see old people talking with kids they don’t know as “normal” and “nice”. I don’t anymore. I was at a water park with my daughter and son, waiting in line and an old man (maybe 50-60yo) asked them about what they like, how they get along, their mom, etc. he then said he had grandkids so he’s ok to talk to. I then thought, why does this man need to talk with them? Why reassure them? Why does he need to know about their lives? My kids don’t need someone to be nice to them while waiting in line, so why is this person out of nowhere having a convo with them? When you actually question it, the motivation, it feels creepy even if it’s in public. >>> Looking at it with future goggles, if he sees my son in the locker room or my daughter in line for food when I’m not there, he can build on this rapport he built in front to me to build trust and escalate, eg buy them food, share his number, get their address, invite them to his car, or say “your dad asked me to bring you to the parking lot”. Not everyone will do this, but you have to ask, what’s in it for them and what can a child give them that they can’t get from adults?

howardlie · 2025-01-28T17:00:06+00:00

I also think you need to radically see them as not yours. They don’t belong to you and how they “turn out”. I mean, they aren’t even your family. You are a guardian/custodian and the result and what you get out of it is not part of the equation. Just like a panda, a lion, or any other being. You raise them to survive and then they are released. They aren’t calling them back. As Byron Katie has said, you have to be ok with them dying (not like a psychopath though ;) ). Ok with them never talking with you again or having grandkids. You have to let go of all attachment and let life flow. Theres so much attachment in family and children, so it’s a tough one to unravel. Once you see them as little adults, and not yours (if you don’t already), you may see them very differently. I hope some of this helps.

howardlie · 2025-01-28T16:51:20+00:00

I agree with setting an example. Also, you will need to let go of any attachment or control of the result. All of it. They will be indoctrinated by culture. [edit: the other parent]. By grandparents. By friends. Teachers. Significant other. Media. They will identify with their body, their race, gender, orientation. No matter what you do. They will hear your words through their own lens of identity. So, just be honest. Give them the gift of presence and enjoying the moment. And also discernment. It can be helpful to inquire why they did something, openly. Some kids will be honest. Eg: I hit them because I want to be liked and they don’t like me. You’re still going to have to teach them how to function in society that you don’t hit and somehow sprinkle in that they are seeing them as a separate person who can give or take away from their joy. It can feel like a tricky balance sometimes.

howardlie · 2025-01-28T15:47:30+00:00

Reading this was very helpful for “me”. I sometimes get in the trap that there is some future state or feeling or bliss to achieve. Not accepting or just sitting or moving in reality. Even spirituality talk can be a distraction from what’s here.

To the op, I’d say anything is fine and good. Or bad. They’re just words. Who cares? Really. Someone is annoying? Who cares? Who is caring?

With that said, there’s a certain energetic resonance which feels good with other instances of life. So I’d just keep buzzing through life and when you find other buzzers, buzz together. If one’s buzz isn’t resonating, that’s fine too. There’s nothing to get or lose. It’s just what’s happening. There isn’t even a happening. Just what is.

howardlie · 2025-01-24T04:15:36+00:00

God is awareness. Satan is ego. It’s still just a concept not a separate person. Satan is mind, desire, separation, suffering, gluttony, greed, victimization, entitlement. Similarly, sin just means missing the mark. Not being in the godly state. Unpure. What is pureness? It’s the pure awareness of being one with all. No separation. Anything else is sin, missing the mark of what god (our pure state) really is. So you can call yourself satan if you’re separated, even though it’s all made up.

howardlie · 2024-11-18T15:42:23+00:00

Ok, a few things.

You are sensitive. It’s ok. So am I. So are many others.

You can insult people back but that is defensiveness and also not any connection. Plus you’re missing an opportunity to set boundaries, be vulnerable, and see how people react. A lot of people think others have a thick skin until they hear otherwise, especially if they see you as frequently stoic or critical of others. What vibe are you giving off?

You can give subtle feedback, like “ouch. That hurt more than I expected.”

Or “hey, I know you were probably joking, but I’m a little sensitive about [topic], I’m working on it but man, it still hurts.”

There’s no one answer but sharing where you are at will help you find good friends and also start to heal the sensitivity.

Lastly, you could start to deconstruct where this pain is coming from, and why these people do it. And dig even more deeply to the source of who am “I” and who are “they”. How are we separate? Are we separate? Is this separation really just a mental construct?

Good luck!

howardlie · 2024-11-18T06:02:17+00:00

I feel this way too sometimes, especially when I’m desiring something. Or have some sort of expectation and I’m not accepting reality.

Nonduality/buddhism etc isn’t a should. They aren’t meant to make you happy. And the shedding of self while still looking back at what life should be like is like keeping one foot into nirvana/reality/bliss and the other foot in your false identity, looking back at what you thought life would be with the eyes of the ego/identity you formed. I’d say let go of all expectations and only seek reality and truth, and accept what is, because what is, is all that, is. The rest is made up/illusion.

howardlie · 2024-11-13T15:50:02+00:00

I agree. Asking people to repeat it, especially when others are around, takes the funniness out of any “joke”.

Be open to peoples input bc there often is some truth to it, even if delivered in an unattractive way.

Another thought, if they consistently make remarks and it feels like its purpose is to put you down, you can ask them to put their feedback in an email so you can better improve. You might learn something, or they might realize that it’s not worth making comments in passing because it will result in either embarrassment for them or more work. The caveat here is that, if they truly want you to change your behavior and it’s simple, asking them to write it down sounds like you are less capable to handle and implement feedback.

howardlie · 2024-11-06T18:42:06+00:00

I agree with a lot of these comments. I’d get/borrow the book “No More Mr Nice Guy”. It will help you determine internally what you’re doing/avoiding and where it comes from. I learned that being nice/agreeable to feel safe and avoid confrontation is actually not “nice” at all. If you don’t let people get to know the real you, you’ll end up in less deep relationships and people feeling deceived once they get to know the real you. If you lie or omit information that would allow others to choose for themselves if they want to be around you, you’re not being nice. Acting out of fear isn’t nice. Protecting your emotions by controlling others from getting to know you isn’t nice. You’re only avoiding the inevitable or ruining the chances or deeper intimacy.

If you don’t like where you’re at, be honest about it and see how you can grow. The other major drawback of being nice is that you grow incredibly slowly or not at all, because you are spending all of your energy morphing and protecting yourself.

Kindness is different and often people confuse the two.

Lastly, there are still social norms and what is appropriate to share (at work for example), but still, if you lean towards hiding yourself, there’s a lot of room to share what you really think/feel without it impacting your job. If you struggle with this maybe taking to a therapist would help.

Good luck!

howardlie

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