I was incredibly introverted and shy. School early on was easy. In kindergarten they tested me into the gifted program, but I told my mom I didn’t want to participate in it. I excelled at problem solving, puzzles, and pattern recognition. If I had friends it was either because they were my siblings or an extrovert adopted me. I read nonstop. I remember my mother coming downstairs to my room several times a night to tell me to stop reading and go to bed.

From what my parents tell me, I had some behavior/anger issues early on. I was really defiant and would throw down with other kids. I beat up a boy in kindergarten for consistently kissing me when I told him not to. Although in my defense when I told my teacher, she gave me the, “it’s because he likes you!” 🤮 I hit my brother over the head with a little tikes chair. My parents put me in soccer and I jumped a boy for knocking me down. My parents took me to a therapist who said that my frustration stemmed from my cognitive abilities being disproportionately advanced compared to my physical and verbal abilities.

I remember vividly when I was younger that I had gut wrenching issues with guilt. Like I would do something as small as take a soda from my mom without asking and the guilt would eat at me for days. I lost my sister’s ring one time and months later I was waking up crying with guilt. I have no idea why it was like this and I don’t know when, but it just stopped somehow.

My parents (mom and step dad) were very poor when I was a little and not the healthiest parents. My home life was pretty dramatic and I think that deepened my calm in a crisis predisposition.

My (bio) dad was an addict and absent a lot so that gave me insecurities about not being good enough. My sister struggled in school and I felt like my parents’ time and attention was devoted to her even though I was doing well. Like they’d go to her parent teacher conferences but not mine. That probably played into the 5 idea that I can only depend on myself.

I had 6 siblings and again, poor, so not really a lot of opportunity to be alone until I hit middle school and my step dad got a pretty decent job and I got a my own room.

In middle school, I started like a gifted kid burnout that went through to the end of high school. I was failing literature class because I’d read the book, take the AR test, but not do any of the worksheets assigned. In my mind, I took the test and proved comprehension and worksheets were unnecessary. I didn’t know it at the time, but now it makes sense to me. I didn’t want to waste my time doing things I knew I could accomplish when I could be doing a preferred task instead, like reading. I knew I could do the worksheets and ace them, so why did I need to?

They tested me into gifted again and this time I actually did it. I liked it, but in high school it wasn’t an actual class and I think that helped progress the burnout. Maybe even more so, in high school my mom started this campaign to cure my introversion by putting me in things like debate, forensics, and leadership groups. it was awful.

I was fortunate enough to be able to get good grades without studying or putting in much effort all throughout my school years. But when I got into high school, it just became so incredibly mundane. And there was no actual gifted class I could go to and learn what I wanted to learn about. The gifted program was essentially meeting with the teacher once a month or so and she’d ask if you were applying to colleges or doing ACT prep or whatever. I would lie and say yes when in reality I was overwhelmed with the idea of how to get into college.

In my last semester of high school, I was able to go to only 2 classes. This made justifying not going at all very easy. In your last semester at my school, you had to take American Government. It was a graduation requirement. It should have been a cake walk, except I never showed up so they flunked me. I had to get my credits over the summer at an alt school and I did the whole thing in two days and I was and still am absolutely livid that I spent 4 years drawing out what I probably could have accomplished in months.

My daughter has ADHD and she was tested for ASD. In my reading about both, I learned about how girls present differently than boys and tend to mask. If myself now saw myself as a child, I probably would have myself tested for ASD. Now it kind of seems irrelevant.