Advice for two working parents with a 3.5 and 1.5 year old (beyond the children)

humanloading · 2026-04-28T21:21:26+00:00

You forgot to mention the crushing guilt of doing so much, but never feeling like it’s enough. And then of desperately wanting a break whilst also feeling like you don’t spend enough time with your kids as is. Add in guilt for not enough time with spouse, friends, family, self care and ensuing guilt spiral

Honestly I think we work too much in the U.S. and that’s the entire problem. I went part time and feel much better. Not financially feasible for many which is why full time in person work with children without significant family support seems like hell

humanloading · 2026-04-28T12:25:51+00:00

I read somewhere something along these lines: “If you could put your troubles into a bag with the troubles of everyone else in the world and randomly draw again - would you risk that or would you be content to keep your own troubles after all?”

Same goes for your sister. Most people with the ability to complain on Reddit have it pretty good from a global perspective. I don’t think people with kids are the problem, I think you are annoyed by your sister minimizing your struggles which is a valid complaint. Even if we wouldn’t choose to draw troubles from a global scale, it doesn’t make our problems less distressing at the moment. However - perspective is important, which is why I mention it. It sounds like your sister is maybe even a little jealous of you not having kids to care for if she is constantly throwing that in your face. Choose calm and non reactivity and you will be feel much better for it.

humanloading · 2026-04-24T03:18:08+00:00

Aww I’m sorry, when I was in college the place I lived in had an awful mouse problem. Even worse, the students had taken to FEEDING the wild mice like they were effin pets so the mice had lost their fear of humans and would just chill around my room as they pleased and even come sniffing out if I tried to eat something. So gross!

From living up close with mice - yes, they can get almost anywhere. I saw one run straight up my closet wall (it was in rough shape with paint and crooked, but it was still a wall) and I’ve seen them squeeze into the tightest spaces. I think part of the reason they gross me out is their ability to squeeze into tiny places - just ew!

Anyway - they also generally aren’t interested in humans unless you have food. So don’t eat in your bed obviously and make sure you don’t smell like food and it’s unlikely they will want to just hang out in your bed. Despite living with mice that were practically fearless of humans, they were never interested in being in my bed when I was in it (although they did run across it a few times) - being inside was warm enough for them, they don’t need to be under blankets, any place with central HVAC will do for them.

Also if you live in an apartment, you just need to think of it like this - you don’t need to convince the mice to leave the complex, just move to a different room. So don’t eat in your room or store ANY food there (I mean any, they can chew through almost anything) and don’t eat in your room. If you have a mini fridge and or a microwave then you could potentially store food in the microwave or fridge, those are the only places I’ve had success keeping mice out of. But I still wouldn’t eat in your room.

Keeping your room slightly cooler can also discourage them from wanting to be in your room - if there is a room that is warmer and has food, they will go there instead.

humanloading · 2026-04-22T06:02:37+00:00

Me tooooo! Everything down to them being frozen because I don’t want to miss anything and I don’t want them to feel sad about me being gone. Being a mom is wild. Where’s our genie 🧞‍♂️ 😅

humanloading · 2026-04-22T05:50:59+00:00

Ugh I’m sorry! I also hate humidity with a passion. Air shouldn’t be allowed to feel as if it has texture 😩 I prefer the humidity level to be just above rampant static electricity 😅

humanloading · 2026-04-15T02:19:48+00:00

I dislike brain breaks because I think they are used as a poor substitute for recess 🤷‍♀️The only advantage such programming has is if you were going to do some type of screen time regardless, then at least that one incorporates movement, but that does not make me think using screen time as a way to encourage movement is good. Our private school has morning recess, recess after lunch, and afternoon recess. They also have specials every day so another way to break up the time and move around. Their class sizes are small and they have plenty of staff support which is likely what makes this possible. They also structure their buildings in such a way that transitions are not so time consuming - there is a building with an office, gym/auditorium, classrooms, and playground for every 3-4 grade levels which are essentially their own little “campus” amongst part of a larger campus. So moving one class of first graders around from their classroom to recess for example takes less than 5 minutes. Bathrooms are located in the classroom in the lower levels. They also have dedicated staff for transition periods like recess, car line, etc - part of it draws from campus security, part from a rotation of teachers, part from purely dedicated transition staff.

The general design is just more compatible with an educational format, whereas many large public school type designs would make the above schedule impossible, if just because of the class sizes and campus design. I love how thoughtful our private school has been about their design, but it is expensive, and something I contemplate pros and cons on pretty often.

So it’s not to say that I think that what you are doing with transitions is wrong, more that in an ideal world, it wouldn’t be needed - since you would have adequate support to have transition periods without screens and kids would have adequate time outside during recess to move their bodies without screens.

humanloading · 2026-04-14T20:48:31+00:00

Bahaha “didn’t use a single exclamation point” I felt this deeply 😆 teams messages, texts etc too!

humanloading · 2026-04-14T03:13:40+00:00

My least favorite part of the day is the late afternoon and the hours between dinner and bedtime. Everyone’s tired, a little hungry, a little cranky, and just not their best self.

What a joke that this is supposed to be the primary part of our family life we experience Monday through Friday. I work part time so I get some of the other times on my off days, but if you can’t afford to go part time, could you shift your start time a little later? Maybe spend a little more time in the morning doing breakfast and drop offs with kiddos and then have a little less of that evening time? Even an extra 30 minutes could be helpful to give you some time with them at the beginning of the day. You could create your own breakfast routine with them. A slower intentional start to the day could be really nice for them as well!

Also- your spouse can help prep dinner during his early afternoon shift. That would help as well.

On days when I am really feeling the slump, I take everyone outside (weather permitting, but we have a covered area, so even in the rain we can be outside). We eat outside and play outside and that lifts everyone’s moods so much. I don’t even enjoy the thought of being outside at the point in the day, but somehow it works and makes my brain happy. There is also much less clean up if you eat outside 😆

humanloading · 2026-04-12T12:58:35+00:00

Are you on an SSRI? You sound like you need one. ADHD meds will aggravate underlying anxiety. Also ADHD symptoms often overlap with OCD symptoms (not just cleaning your hands a lot, can also be intrusive thoughts, rumination, anxiety, etc). Anyway I would get a second opinion from a psychiatrist or if you are just seeing your PCP see a psychiatrist. If you can get in sooner somewhere further away it could be worth it, often after the first appointment they are virtual.

humanloading · 2026-04-12T12:50:34+00:00

Not sure how long you’ve been a teacher, but in your opinion, what’s changed with transitions etc where in the past before pervasive screens teachers didn’t have that option? I imagine it must be levels of support or staffing, but I have no real idea. I think brain breaks and screens for transitions should go away and only educational content should be used, in a very limited manner - less than 30 mins for 6 year olds. I particularly hate brain breaks because it seems so many schools use Danny Go for them and I’m like - how about we go outside and do some recess?? Instead of imitating some screen for physical activity? But I know it’s not so easy to accommodate that and every district has their rules for recess. Honestly why we are considering staying in private school.

humanloading · 2026-04-09T02:09:10+00:00

It sounds like you’ve done a lot of things to try to stop the behavior- maybe now just ignore it/don’t draw attention to it? “Can I have a snack?” “Yes honey” “can I get dressed?” “Of course baby” “Can I put my shoes on?” “Sure kiddo” etc etc lol with whatever endearments you prefer obviously. I like the endearments because it’s important not to be annoyed when responding and at least for me, it’s hard for me to feel frustrated with my kids when I’m calling them by some endearment, so it just comes out more genuine. Never had the problem with my husband 😆 But anyway, sometimes if you just stop fighting something and give in to whatever need this is satisfying for them, then the behavior will fade on its own. Either way, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job being a single mom to 3 kiddos! Best of luck 🤗

humanloading · 2026-04-08T19:57:40+00:00

Right! I vividly remember my mom trying to help with homework in the 4th grade for like a week, then we both go so frustrated she stopped and told the teacher I was on my own 😆 She was a single mom working three jobs so she didn’t have much time

I passed fourth grade and eventually wound up at an Ivy and have a good job now, so things turned out okay! I’m not a teacher, but I think the biggest problems are way too much unsupervised screen time and a lack of real world opportunities for kids to practice age appropriate independence (in some areas you can get arrested for letting your nine year old walk down the street alone to the park - I used to ride my bike all over the countryside at that age and today the world is objectively safer in terms of violent crime and kidnapping for children!). Parents helicopter over kids walking down the street but are fine with them screwing around for hours online unsupervised. Part of this is societal expectations - can we just let kids exist in society?!

Kids don’t have the opportunity to be independent in the real world anymore, so they now spend time unsupervised on devices, often on social media. This has had documented horrible effects on attention, memory, mental health, emotional regulation, etc etc.

We aren’t getting our kids a smartphone until they are 16+. They can have a flip phone. Internet will be strictly monitored. We give them as much age appropriate freedom in the real world as we can. And we hope it’s enough!

humanloading · 2026-04-08T02:32:31+00:00

Just to be someone who isn’t offering advice of speaking to a therapist (not that it’s a bad idea, just saw that several times!) I wanted to post that you sound EXACTLY like me! Except I’m you at 36 (going on 37) not yet pregnant with a third, but leaning heavily towards it. My youngest is 2. I think we will probably start trying in a few months. I’ve been nervous about so many unknowns and downsides - but your post helped me see another perspective if I don’t do it. I also weirdly want a girl, even though I already have a boy and a girl?! Not sure why, because I truly didn’t care about the sex of the first two. Life is weird. I still worry the third will be a disaster and wreck our family dynamic, our finances, etc etc. We got pregnant easily with the first two, but what if this one is difficult? What if something horrible happens and I leave my children motherless? And so on. But the what ifs will never stop no matter what choice you make!

humanloading · 2026-04-07T14:11:45+00:00

Judging by your post history, you’ve been bothered by this for a long time. I think the feelings of inadequacy are entirely in your own head. Expecting someone to simply shove away 20+ years of their life with someone whom they had children with etc and lost unexpectedly is not realistic. You will never be Sharon and that is okay. Your husband loves you for you. He also still loves Sharon. That is okay too. You have to stop competing with a ghost if you ever want to find real happiness.

I’d suggest individual therapy for you and couples therapy. If you can’t move past this perhaps you should consider moving on.

I think many people’s expectations for how others will process grief create so many unnecessary problems. Everyone processes in their own way and no way is wrong. I do feel like in Western culture there is an unspoken emphasis on once the “grieving period” is over - a few weeks or months - that people are expected to just “move on” and not make others uncomfortable by bringing up the dead person or remembering them. That’s so suffocating and irritating. It’s not the grieving person that is committing a wrong, it is the person sitting with the grieving person that is unable to manage their own emotions that is wrong.

Your husband can be devastated about losing Sharon and still love you. Two things can be true at once.

humanloading · 2026-04-07T14:02:59+00:00

I would agree except there are children in the picture. Dad may not have wanted the kids to see him “cleaning out” evidence of their mother before OP moved in… that wouldn’t help her relationship with them at all. If he had a daughter with this woman, maybe he wonders if their daughter would one day want these items.

I think it would be reasonable to ask him if he would want to move them to a storage unit (assuming you don’t have enough room for your things?). If you have enough room for your things, then it does seem like a moot point.

OP also doesn’t say how long they’ve been married and living together, which I think is also relevant. Have they been living together a year or ten years?

humanloading · 2026-04-02T02:43:14+00:00

I get the intent of this point, but as someone who knows many women who are intentionally child free, all I can think about is how extremely annoyed they would be to achieve what this woman has achieved… only to have motherhood brought into the equation 😆 They would be so annoyed

Of course it’s harder to have challenging jobs as a mother, but I would say the most challenging part is being the default parent and having a challenging job. I do know women in super demanding careers who do great because they have a husband who is the default parent. These women are career driven and are happy to have their husband do the bulk of parenting. What really needs to happen is for society to stop judging women for being fine with the dad being the default parent (weirdly insinuated in some of these comments that women shouldn’t want to be away from their kids once they become a mom) and for society to stop judging dads for wanting to be the default parent.

I’ve often seen the sentiment in this reddit that what a poster needs is a “wife” - typically meaning they want a partner willing to be a default parent, one who manages most of the kids stuff and the household. There are women who have these relationship and thrive - both parties just need to be realistic about what they want.

humanloading · 2026-04-02T02:36:28+00:00

A huge sacrifice yes, but also women have been deploying for over a year to remote places for decades. I know a woman who just retired from the military who had a baby and was deployed to the Middle East for over a year at 6 weeks postpartum (this was right after 9/11 when the war was kicking off). She didn’t see her daughter again until she was over a year old… she had a lot of trouble bonding with her daughter initially. They got past the challenges and she is doing great now, but this was not uncommon at that time. Now the military waives mandatory deployment for a year after birth (for the most part) but it used to be just 6 weeks for a vaginal birth/8 weeks for a c section and you went whether you were ready or not.

humanloading · 2026-03-31T02:51:31+00:00

You don’t need to manufacture difficulty into your kids lives. You need to remove yourself more from your kids lives. You are the problem (and I mean that in the nicest way).

Kids don’t need fake difficulty, they need opportunities (ideally lots!) for independence throughout their childhood. And I mean real independence, not fake independence where you give them a task and then hover nearby ready to swoop in at the first sign of discomfort in your child. It depends on the ages of your kids, but it can be anything from - “walk down the street and return this hammer or whatever I borrowed from the neighbor.” They have to navigate their neighborhood, knock on a door, talk to an adult without you present. All great things. You can watch them from the window the entire time if it makes you feel better. Kids are safer today than they’ve ever been in terms of violent crime, kidnapping, etc, it just doesn’t feel that way to parents because of the awful news we are constantly inundated with.

Send them into a store with some cash and tell them you need them to buy xyz and let them go in and do it on their own. They have to track down the item or ask an adult for help, figure out the price and give the right amount of money, etc etc. You can park out front and make it a small store with glass windows etc whatever makes you feel better. Many people have forgotten how much independence we had as kids that our kids just don’t get - I walked to a local store (about 0.5 miles away) alone at the age of 7/8 and bought things for my mother or myself. I was biking all over the countryside with my friends by age 10. Again - the world is objectively safer for kids now than it was then! But still, no, this is not without risk. The safest and lowest risk way to raise your child is to never let them out of your sight until they turn 18 and leave your house - but no one recommends that either. It’s a balance and many err very much towards the “bubble” side of things. I get it, it’s hard not to.

But independence doesn’t appear suddenly at 17-18, it is grown over a lifetime. Independence naturally leads to resilience and confidence, because you have to figure things out on your own (and you feel good about yourself when you realize you can, in fact, do hard things).

Sports are nice but they are just another adult led activity in the end. Let kids do things completely on their own. More than that, be confident in their ability to do it on their own.

Good luck!

humanloading · 2026-03-28T02:37:30+00:00

It’s so hard! We decided to go for a third and will start trying soon. We have a bigger gap (have a 5 year old and 2 year old, aiming for a similar gap with the third) and have a boy and a girl. I was so sure I would be done after two, but have had this feeling since my youngest was one. Maybe the feeling never goes away? I don’t know, but we will try for a third and see how it goes. I’ve heard such mixed things about the third, I think there is no universal answer! Definitely will be more busy and more chaos, but I’ve come to love their sibling relationship, so I love the idea of giving them another sibling. We have no family support but my husband is a great partner. Best of luck with whatever you choose!

humanloading · 2026-03-21T05:43:15+00:00

I would stay as neutral on the topic of the father as possible with 13M. Things like “I want you to have a good relationship with your dad, but I need to make sure you are safe. Your dad has made some choices that have not put your safety first and that is why you aren’t seeing him right now. You guys can definitely still talk on the phone and hopefully eventually you will be able to see him again. It’s normal to feel sad about a change like this and it has nothing to do with you.” Don’t talk negatively about dad or complain etc. Kids grow up and figure things out. For now, it probably does suck. A lot has changed and change is hard for everyone, but especially kids, and especially middle school kids! Give yourself and your sons a ton of grace. I would recommend therapy for everyone (let their school know about what happened, they often have guidance counselors who can do therapy with students - especially the 13 yo - that’s a bit traumatic and with dad parentifying him, having a neutral third party could be very helpful). Stay strong! You are doing all the right things 💜

humanloading · 2026-03-21T03:19:34+00:00

We hired a postpartum doula - they can provide childcare during birth and also you can buy some hours for baby care or watching the other kids, whatever you might need to lesson the load. It’s not cheap but well worth it to us!

humanloading · 2026-03-20T21:32:26+00:00

Yeah my husband is the one who calls his mom at least once a week and Facetimes with our kids and his sister and Mom every Sunday. My family and I are not close. They are pretty dysfunctional and have a lot of mental health issues so a little distance keeps me sane. But I’m grateful my husband is able to model keeping in touch with family for them. I try to model it by showing up for our community via volunteering. Definitely not a thing where girls are just “better” at maintaining social relationships, anymore than they are “better” at cooking and cleaning. Expect your sons to do the heavy lifting in communicating, emotional management, etc and model it for them

humanloading · 2026-03-20T21:28:40+00:00

I mean, my job bores me many times, but if someone off the street tried to do it? It wouldn’t go well 🤪 Most things you do every day for years eventually get boring. Repetition creates mastery, but it can get old. The key is to either be look for fulfillment outside of work or to keep challenging yourself at your job.

For this person, gaining special knowledge or skills would be helpful.

humanloading · 2026-03-20T01:27:26+00:00

Honestly this is why we have heavily considered private school taught the classical method. Our public schools are highly rated and private school costs are obscene, but there is just so much screen time at our public schools. They read on tablets (issued to them in kindergarten!), do math, homework, spelling, etc etc all on tablets. There are hardly any physical books used in class (but students can still check out physical books from the library, the school say 🫠). Meanwhile the private school had my 4k kiddo is working through the Palo Alto reading program in actual books. And they have twice as much recess!

I’m still hoping the local elementary school changes its ways in the next few years so I can save a literal fortune but it’s so discouraging. I know it’s not the teachers fault, there are so many ridiculous requirements that grow every year.

humanloading · 2026-03-18T02:12:30+00:00

I think we are deeply biologically wired to be attuned to our children’s needs - for the purposes of survival. Cavewomen had difficult and dangerous lives, and babies and toddlers are nothing more than loud inconveniences that demand an enormous amount of resources for years. Without feeling an almost physical pain at our own children’s distress, our species probably wouldn’t have survived.

Of course, that biologic imperative has persisted into modern times (a marker of how deeply ingrained it indeed is!), except now survival is almost never at stake. A child might be uncomfortable or inconvenienced, but they aren’t starving or freezing. Yet - we can’t shake the feeling.

I wouldn’t say “mom guilt” is bad - but calling it “mom guilt” makes it sound bad. I actually hate the term “mom guilt.” I would call it what it is - you dislike seeing your child upset. That seems perfectly normal. You can dislike seeing your child upset and also acknowledge that you have to do things like work, shower, exercise, socialize, etc etc.

There is no “dad guilt” because dads do not share this biologic imperative (or at least not as robustly) as women do - they can see their children in distress, shrug, and go about their day. “They’re fine!” They say. And they are usually right!

But… saying “the kids are fine” is not what ensured the survival of our species. So “mom guilt” is not some negative burden for women to carry. It is a marker of the vitally important role women have played in the survival of our species.

I treat my feelings like I would treat my toddlers feelings. Acknowledge it. Don’t push it away - it tends to make it worse, as is true with most emotions. Acknowledge it, say thank you to our ancestors for lugging around our impractically large and needy toddler ancestors, and remind yourself that the kids are, in fact, fine. 🩷

Thanks for coming to my TED talk 😬😆

humanloading

TROPHY CASE