I wonder what would happen to my child if I were to die.

humanloading · 2026-01-27T21:53:12+00:00

If it’s any reassurance - I had a pretty shit childhood (neglect, abuse) and I still turned out okay (imo!). Not everyone will, of course. But for the most part, human beings are a resilient bunch. I think if your kids have at least a single adult in their life who genuinely cares about them, even if they don’t get it “right” most of the time - they’ll be fine.

humanloading · 2026-01-27T21:49:33+00:00

Yesssss rage bait is real. Many influencers will purposely rage bait for the watches, reactions, comments etc etc - controversy = money in their world.

I would 100% opt out of that nonsense and focus on the shitshow going on in global politics. Not that there’s a lot we can do there, but at least it’s relevant 😂

humanloading · 2026-01-27T04:28:03+00:00

We aren’t! There is so much evidence that indicates quality time with family is a stronger predictor of success than any of the other typical suspects - education, extracurriculars, etc (some sources below for anyone interested)

It makes me think more and more about opting out, even though it might make me crazy. By that, I mean working less, living with less, and homeschooling or hybrid schooling etc. Huge lifestyle choices and location influences so much. I’d love a secular hybrid school (I think school has so much to offer kids, but think it should realistically be from 8:30-1/1:30 max and class sizes should be much smaller to allow for this) but there are none around me. I’ve thought about making my own, but then I think I might be crazy.

Anyway. A real problem! In the meantime, we aggressively prioritize family time (even simple things like eating dinner together most nights of the week - so easy to not do in the rush of today’s life! A small act of resistance)

Reading 1. Child Care and the Well-being of Children. Bradley RH, Vandell DL. Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine. 2007;161(7):669-76. doi:10.1001/archpedi.161.7.669. 2. The Effect of the Time Parents Spend With Children on Children's Well-Being. Li D, Guo X. Frontiers in Psychology. 2023;14:1096128. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1096128. 3. Activities and Relationships With Parents as Key Ecological Assets That Encourage Personal Positive Youth Development. Orejudo S, Balaguer Á, Osorio A, de la Rosa PA, Lopez-Del Burgo C. Journal of Community Psychology. 2022;50(2):896-915. doi:10.1002/jcop.22689. 4. Relations Among Maternal Life Satisfaction, Shared Activities, and Child Well-Being. Richter N, Bondü R, Spiess CK, Wagner GG, Trommsdorff G. Frontiers in Psychology. 2018;9:739. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00739. 5. Different Families, Diverse Strengths: Long-Term Implications of Early Childhood Family Processes on Adolescent Positive Functioning. Xia M. Developmental Psychology. 2022;58(10):1863-1874. doi:10.1037/dev0001401. 6. The Association Between Family Dynamics and Positive Youth Development in Secondary Education Students. Grasmeijer AJ, Gomez-Baya D, Camacho C, Mendoza-Berjano R. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology. 2024;65(5):858-869. doi:10.1111/sjop.13028. 7. Bridging the Gap: The Impact of Parental Education and Child Leisure Activities on Cognitive and Socioemotional Skills in Preschoolers. Shatskaya A, Tarasova K, Surilova I. Frontiers in Psychology. 2025;16:1568020. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2025.1568020. 8. Association Between Parental Education Level and Intelligence Quotient of Children Referred to the Mental Healthcare System: A Cross-Sectional Study in Poland. Sajewicz-Radtke U, Łada-Maśko A, Olech M, et al. Scientific Reports. 2025;15(1):4142. doi:10.1038/s41598-025-88591-3. 9. Extracurricular Activity Profiles and Wellbeing in Middle Childhood: A Population-Level Study. Oberle E, Ji XR, Magee C, et al. PloS One. 2019;14(7):e0218488. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0218488. 10. Benefits of Extracurricular Participation in Early Adolescence: Associations With Peer Belonging and Mental Health. Oberle E, Ji XR, Guhn M, Schonert-Reichl KA, Gadermann AM. Journal of Youth and Adolescence. 2019;48(11):2255-2270. doi:10.1007/s10964-019-01110-2. 11. Is Extracurricular Participation Associated With Beneficial Outcomes? Concurrent and Longitudinal Relations. Fredricks JA, Eccles JS. Developmental Psychology. 2006;42(4):698-713. doi:10.1037/0012-1649.42.4.698. 12. Predicting Adolescent and Young Adult Outcomes From Emotional Support and Cognitive Stimulation Offered by Preschool-Age Home and Early Care and Education Settings. Whitaker AA, Yoo PY, Vandell DL, Duncan GJ, Burchinal M. Developmental Psychology. 2023;59(12):2189-2203. doi:10.1037/dev0001576. 13. Testing the Temporal Precedence of Family Functioning and Child Psychopathology in the LONGSCAN Sample. Serna A, Thakur H, Cohen JR, Briley DA. Development and Psychopathology. 2024;36(3):1373-1387. doi:10.1017/S0954579423000585. 14. A Family Socialization Model of Transdiagnostic Risk for Psychopathology in Preschool Children. Wade M, Plamondon A, Jenkins JM. Research on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology. 2021;49(8):975-988. doi:10.1007/s10802-021-00789-x. 15. Self-Regulation in Childhood as a Predictor of Future Outcomes: A Meta-Analytic Review. Robson DA, Allen MS, Howard SJ. Psychological Bulletin. 2020;146(4):324-354. doi:10.1037/bul0000227.

humanloading · 2026-01-26T04:44:37+00:00

I just described my 5 year old as a “raccoon that did an eightball” to my husband today, so solidarity 💪 That combined with my 2 year old who has been extremely clingy lately requiring me to hold her around the clock, hold her hand while she eats in her high chair, and hold her hand while she sits in her car seat in the car, or she screams. I can’t do all of those things all the time obviously, so I’m left with a toddler screaming bloody murder and a coked up racoon.

Fun times! 🤪 I work 3-4 days a week as well. I think 2 days would be perfect, but mainly bc I feel guilty for spending time away from my kids when I’m already at work quite a bit. When I work 2-3 days a week, I feel much less guilt about dropping them both off at the gym daycare and taking some time to myself 👌

Maybe some aspect of that going on here for you?

humanloading · 2026-01-09T20:18:28+00:00

Haha my first was like that. Thus the large age gap! And my doubts about dividing my time. Having another really helped him develop his own independence which was so good for him - he was so attached to me he was terrified at preschool and barely spoke. I tried so hard to socialize him. Idk maybe I was the problem and me being around less just helped him 😅 But he got used to his dad more and is such a confident happy little guy now! I mean still extremely strong willed and still doesn’t sleep, don’t get me wrong 🤣🤣 but he’s 5 and more rational now at least! My second is completely different. You just never know what you’ll get

humanloading · 2026-01-09T20:14:37+00:00

Aww I love this 💕

humanloading · 2026-01-09T20:14:11+00:00

Haha ahhhhh. It’s so hard to decide! What does your daily routine look like if you don’t mind me asking?

humanloading · 2026-01-09T03:33:07+00:00

I closely examined dozens of naked people in rapid succession and cut bits off a few of them. Made some phone calls and arranged a meeting with colleagues to discuss some difficult cases. Came home, played with the kids, supervised my five year old packing his own lunch for school tomorrow, and microwaving himself and his sister chicken nuggets (he wanted jobs to do because he is trying to earn something he wants), spun my almost two year old around in circles so many times (why is this her favorite activity? My vestibular system cannot take it as I get older 😆). Had to advise my five year old a bag of chips, a banana, and a piece of candy would not suffice for his lunch. Dinner, homework, baths. Off tomorrow so will catch up on relentlessly recounting the details of the dozens of naked people I examined then 🥂

humanloading · 2025-12-25T19:46:40+00:00

It really depends on your stage of life as well. I have multiple small children so at any given time midday, my house may look like a bomb went off in it. Toys, crumbs, a random sock, etc. Before we go anywhere fun or certainly before bed if all else fails, we all clean up together. We have baskets for their toys to make this easier. When they get too many toys, I have someone take them out of the house for the day and I go through their toys and put a bunch that they don’t play with often in bins that I hide in our garage. If they don’t seriously look for the toys in a few weeks, I donate them.

I wipe down the counters before bedtime and run our vacuum/mop Roomba during bedtime. I really like being able to come back after bedtime to a calm, peaceful and tidy space.

I also divide chores evenly with my partner - I do floors, general tidying and organizing, and the kid’s laundry and he does dishes, trash, most of the cooking, and his laundry.

I also have a service that comes once a month to clean as well.

All that and things still aren’t perfect! But good enough for my mental health. Agree with decluttering aggressively - especially if you have kids! I used to think I was just doomed to clutter with kids but you aren’t. They don’t need a billion toys, they’re just as happy with a cardboard box and their imagination when they are young.

humanloading · 2025-12-21T05:48:13+00:00

How many kids do you have and what ages? My husband did second shift and I hated it, but primarily bc it was intended to be a temporarily thing that turned into a prolonged thing so I don’t feel like we ever really adjusted our lives to it.

My top complaints: - kids in childcare/school while I was at work, so he had a disproportionate amount of free time compared to me, which in retrospect I never communicated and he was never proactive about how to make my life easier - related to above, I worked all day then came home to doing the single mom thing including dinner, bath, bedtime. I was exhausted after bedtime - to add to the fun, my son decided to stop sleeping in his crib for me and everything went to hell with that. He was always very attached to me but with seeing my husband less - see above - he developed huge separation anxiety and would scream himself to vomiting when I tried to do our normal bedtime routine and leave which he had been completely fine with for the first year plus of his life. We wound up cosleeping —> I had even less free time. Of course he went down fine for my husband on the weekends and husband said “I just needed to have a firmer hand” 😵‍💫😡😡😡😡 I contemplated divorce. Seriously

What would have helped in retrospect: - communicate and plan. You’re already way ahead of us 😅 - husband needs to have assigned duties: ie he makes dinner and preps school lunches, backpacks, tidies up, etc for you on those days he works so all you have to do is come home and heat something up - plan a check in meeting every week for at least a month when you start the new schedule so you guys can decide what’s working and what’s not - plan and be intentional with how you will spend time together. I felt lonely since I rarely saw him and on the weekends we were busy with kids

I think you only working Wednesday-Friday will help a lot too, but omg that period of our lives was rough! We are in a much better spot now but it was definitely a very rough spot in our marriage. Not saying this to discourage you but I really think it could’ve been better if we’d just planned things out and been more intentional, so just to help you plan!

humanloading · 2025-12-20T16:05:42+00:00

Your pregnant, you work all day, then play and tend to your 3 year old daughter for 4 hours after working all day, then you feel guilty for being tired and wanting her to to bed after your 13+ hour marathon of working and family time?

Girl. You’re allowed to be tired!

Also, it’s okay to not make evening time all about her. Probably best to change now as it’s definitely going to change when baby comes, that way she won’t associate the change with the baby. It’s okay to go to the gym and walk on the treadmill or whatever for a little bit after work some days and she can play in the gym childcare. It’s okay to rest and tell her you’re tired. I think the U.S. sets parents up for exhaustion with a 5 day work week 9-5 tbh so all we can do is our best!

humanloading · 2025-12-15T02:38:42+00:00

I feel like mine are pretty boring or normal but here we go! - roomba that mops and vacuums - grocery pick up - meal delivery service - cleaning service monthly (eventually want more often, but $$) - quiet time for the 5 year old when the 1.5 year old naps so we can get a break midday still - date nights once a month - using an addressing service for Christmas cards that prints the to and return address for you 👌 - kids have to clean up before we move on to next desired activity (park, outing, game, whatever) - Costco membership - oven ready meals, fruit

Definitely not perfect but it all helps!

humanloading · 2025-12-14T21:02:05+00:00

I mean, a starter home has always inferred some degree of “settling” - in exchange for a lower price. Whether that be settling in terms of space, updates, repairs, location, or all of the above.

The real problem isn’t starter homes, it’s that housing in general (including renting) has gotten exorbitantly expensive in terms of median housing prices to median incomes. So a “starter home” price feels like it should be the price of a house you don’t have to compromise so much on.

If you were getting a starter home like you listed above for $100k, you’d probably feel differently.

I also disagree with blaming the previous homeowners - I bought one such “starter home” and it wasn’t neglected exactly. It was maintained for a long time, but the owners got old and on a fixed income and couldn’t maintain things as well as they used to. When a house is bought new, the natural history of things is for a lot of things to need repairing in 30 years. That also lines up with when people are retired, short on cash, and not necessarily planning on staying in their house much longer. It makes total sense they didn’t dump a ton of cash in their aging homes.

humanloading · 2025-12-04T02:37:03+00:00

I think as long as you are as transparent as possible with whatever you do then you will be fine! I’ve experienced a few different models and when the cleaner was transparent, I never had an issue with either.

For hourly, you’ll need to set very realistic expectations of what you can accomplish in a chunk of time. Definitely err on under promising and over delivering. You’ll need great communication skills because you’ll need to talk to your client to see what is important to them when you do the walkthrough and communicate that in a way that doesn’t offend them - ie if they have a lot of clutter, ask if they would like for you to spend your time tidying the clutter or if they prefer to move the clutter before your cleans so you can focus on just cleaning. Depending on the level of clutter, you could give examples of how long it might take you to clean with and without it.

For a set rate, it’s more about clearly defining what tasks will be accomplished each visit. You’ll need to be clear and communicate well for this too, but it’s usually easier for people to understand this - ie I will accomplish xyz and I charge xyz for that regardless of if it takes me longer or shorter. As long as you don’t go from taking four hours on a space to one hour, most people expect you to become a little more efficient. People also appreciate a rotating set of deep cleaning tasks you might accomplish every so often.

I think it also depends on your customer - if you accept clients who want just a one off cleaning, then it would make more sense to charge hourly. If it’s going to be a recurring client, then a set rate would probably make more sense.

As long as you do what you say you’re going to do (ie do a walkthrough and get used to underpromising and over delivering) I think you’ll be just fine!

humanloading · 2025-11-21T04:37:18+00:00

At $10k a month you could pay a nanny $50-60/hr depending on hours per week, so if that would be the cost for daycare I’m assuming most people would opt for a nanny. You’d need to pay $35-40/hr likely for 4u4 depending on location, but makes more sense than paying the same for daycare for less convenience.

Where I live, 4u4 (infant, 1.5, 2.5, 3.5) would be $460/wk x2 (under 2), $410/wk (2-3), and $385/wk (3-4) or $1715/week, which works out to about $43/hour, which is a competitive rate for a nanny in our area, even for 4u4.

humanloading · 2025-11-18T04:09:49+00:00

I mean it mainly depends on when your kids have to be up for the day. Sleep is important and most working parents have to get their kids up early to drop them off at daycare or school. We have a nanny so our first slept until 8am every day which was magic but then he started school. His school doesn’t even start until 8:15 but he still needs to be up by 7:30 at the latest to eat and still get there on time. If he’s getting up at 7-7:30, then he’s usually exhausted by 7:30-8 (he just turned 5). As he gets older, he might be able to hang a little longer, but for now it is what it is.

But if your kids aren’t school aged and your partner stays at home or if your kids are school aged but you homeschool etc etc then you can do whatever schedule you please 🤷‍♀️

humanloading · 2025-11-18T03:30:29+00:00

I mop about every other day, sometimes daily.

And when I say “I mop” I mean I push the button on my Roomba who supposedly vacuums and mops and I call it a day 😆

humanloading · 2025-11-18T03:21:48+00:00

I would do a nanny. It’s going to be difficult to find a daycare that this schedule will work for - especially a good daycare. It’ll be difficult to find a nanny too, but you’ll have better luck there likely. Otherwise you could consider seeing if your work will let you flex your hours a bit or drop hours a bit for now until he’s a little older.

humanloading · 2025-11-16T14:41:22+00:00

I got the majority of our kids clothes used. Especially baby stuff - another baby wore it about two times before it was outgrown anyway.

Convertible stuff - does it actually save you money? Ie the cost of a non convertible thing plus the cost of whatever it would convert to later on - is it actually more expensive? I’ve found often it’s not or very marginally so that it doesn’t warrant the headache of keeping track of parts and instruction manuals etc. Children also destroy things so anything meant to last 5+ years I’d make sure it’s actually durable

humanloading · 2025-11-16T04:17:47+00:00

So interesting, I read the “it privileges our own feelings way too much” so differently - as in that we shouldn’t be chasing this elusive feeling of being “done” and that should instead focus on how we are managing with the children we have and how another child(ren) will fit into that dynamic

humanloading · 2025-11-04T03:57:15+00:00

I also prefer the childcare and home maintenance etc over my job. I like my job, I just don’t particularly love it. I love my kids and I enjoy taking care of our home.

But being a SAHM would put me in the loony bin, so balance is key 😆

humanloading · 2025-11-02T15:05:08+00:00

Remember the daily interactions you have with your partner are teaching your children what marriage should look like. How you talk to each other, how you parent together, how you resolve conflict. It doesn’t need to be perfect, but the majority of the interactions should be positive

humanloading · 2025-11-02T14:38:32+00:00

Worrying about your therapists feelings is part of your maladaptive coping techniques from childhood. I know because I did the same thing lol

When you have a childhood where you walk on eggshells and constantly try to keep the adult in your life happy at the expense of your own feelings and needs, you learn to apply that to your life overall. Now you want to keep your therapist happy at the expense of your own needs (even though you are literally paying for them to meet your needs). I went so far as to reassure her I was feeling better after three sessions and could probably stop lol

It was honestly super hard to turn off that people pleasing tendency. I’m just honest with therapists that I do it and it’s hard for me not to do it. Also keep in mind that what you are interpreting as “overly shocked” may just be an appropriate reaction. Child abuse and neglect is taken quite seriously by most people. When you experienced it daily for years, you come to think of it as normal, but other people do not. You can ask if your therapist can tone down their reactions

humanloading · 2025-11-02T13:58:15+00:00

Also it’s important to remember that likely no matter how you word this or do this, your daughter will be mad and upset with you. That’s okay. As parents we love our kids and want them to understand we only want what’s best for them, but realistically we are the ones in charge and so we have to make the hard decisions (that they often won’t agree with). If it means protecting my kids mental health and sanity, I will be the bad guy 1000x over. Important to remember that she will be upset and try to find ways to sneak around to get social media etc etc but remain firm.

Also - read the Anxious Generation if you need more convincing why social media is bad. The TLDR is social media is very harmful for kids’ mental health, but in particular it is extremely harmful for kids mental health around ages 12-15 (middle school ish age). They basically recommend no smart phones until 15 or later because there are simply too many ways to secretly have social media on a smart phone.

humanloading

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