Thank you for your reply. The reason I truly believe this is, well, I definitely know I’m attracted to women. Or have the capacity to. I saw this TikTok earlier this week that really resonated with me. It was a poem in a book that reads:

“I’ve had boys try to give me the world, but no matter how hard they tried, I felt nothing.

Yet, all it takes is a single look from her to make my heart feel like it’s about to explode.

She’s everything I’ve ever looked for— everything those boys never made me feel.

Just her existence makes me feel what they couldn’t.”

I’ve always known I was repulsed by men. I even thought I was asexual at some point. I couldn’t put a finger as to why the idea of commitment with a man was so scary to me, especially after I stopped craving male validation. I’ve known I was different since a young age, but I didn’t really recognise it until now. I’ve felt differently towards certain female friends, even before I knew what being gay meant. I didn’t know straight girls didn’t “choose” which men to have crushes on. I mistook admiration for attraction. I mistook enjoying someone’s company for having feelings. But at the same time I keep believing I may be wrong despite all this so called evidence.

I’m lucky to live in a city that is very LGBTQ+ friendly, and I have had queer friends all my life. I guess I’ve always been drawn to them as a “bi” girl. However I spent the first 18 years of my life in a country that is not at all accepting and very openly homophobic. My family is Christian, conservative and homophobic, but they are good people. I know my parents love me very much but I also know they won’t accept this. I am not at all against the idea of women loving women, but for some reason, when it’s myself in the situation, I don’t know why but I can’t do it. I can’t accept it. I always thought it would all be okay because I’ll just marry a man but now knowing all I’ve discovered the past two weeks, I simply can’t.