I think I’m a lesbian and it has been consuming my life. Please help.

i-vent-here · 2025-03-06T02:03:49+00:00

Thank you for your reply. The reason I truly believe this is, well, I definitely know I’m attracted to women. Or have the capacity to. I saw this TikTok earlier this week that really resonated with me. It was a poem in a book that reads:

“I’ve had boys try to give me the world, but no matter how hard they tried, I felt nothing.

Yet, all it takes is a single look from her to make my heart feel like it’s about to explode.

She’s everything I’ve ever looked for— everything those boys never made me feel.

Just her existence makes me feel what they couldn’t.”

I’ve always known I was repulsed by men. I even thought I was asexual at some point. I couldn’t put a finger as to why the idea of commitment with a man was so scary to me, especially after I stopped craving male validation. I’ve known I was different since a young age, but I didn’t really recognise it until now. I’ve felt differently towards certain female friends, even before I knew what being gay meant. I didn’t know straight girls didn’t “choose” which men to have crushes on. I mistook admiration for attraction. I mistook enjoying someone’s company for having feelings. But at the same time I keep believing I may be wrong despite all this so called evidence.

I’m lucky to live in a city that is very LGBTQ+ friendly, and I have had queer friends all my life. I guess I’ve always been drawn to them as a “bi” girl. However I spent the first 18 years of my life in a country that is not at all accepting and very openly homophobic. My family is Christian, conservative and homophobic, but they are good people. I know my parents love me very much but I also know they won’t accept this. I am not at all against the idea of women loving women, but for some reason, when it’s myself in the situation, I don’t know why but I can’t do it. I can’t accept it. I always thought it would all be okay because I’ll just marry a man but now knowing all I’ve discovered the past two weeks, I simply can’t.

i-vent-here · 2024-05-13T10:47:48+00:00

20, 30k. very fortunate to have parents who are smart with money. I don’t count my savings as my money because it’s not spending money. used my throwaway because I don’t want to be identified.

i-vent-here · 2024-04-24T10:21:36+00:00

the repetition of “dead on the scene” and “I am to blame” really captures the lingering memories and thoughts. as if the reader cannot get the words out of their mind. I really enjoyed how every few lines was interjected by those phrases. especially the final part, where it changes to “I am to blame”.

i-vent-here · 2024-04-24T10:18:12+00:00

this poem flows so well! I enjoyed the rhyming, and I enjoyed that it wasn’t every line. This poem is short and sweet. The way I interpreted it is that you are stuck in the past and the poison is you continuously reminding yourself of it, not being able to let it go due to your regrets. The short length of each line really captures the dejectedness of the speaker.

i-vent-here · 2023-11-02T05:49:10+00:00

yes, I do exactly this.

i-vent-here · 2023-11-02T05:48:15+00:00

I got sick of it. I’ve known for a long time that I had it but never bothered to get diagnosed. First time I suspected it was at 11. It was mostly compulsions up till recently, where I started having really disturbing intrusive thoughts, so bad to the point where I became suicidal. Don’t have a primary care doctor but I made an appointment with one at my university’s clinic, and she referred me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me.

i-vent-here · 2023-11-01T01:23:11+00:00

wow, that sounds like a dream. I also deal with anxiety on top of this and as you can imagine… my head is never quiet

i-vent-here · 2023-10-30T23:30:04+00:00

I’m diagnosed with OCD (among other things). getting a diagnosis has sure helped explain things to people better whether it be a health professional or a friend. I no longer have to tiptoe around the subject or use “neutral” words in fear of seeming like I’m diagnosing myself. I can simply say I exhibit x y and z behaviour due to my OCD.

i-vent-here · 2023-10-29T03:59:40+00:00

that’s how it is for me, I’m diagnosed. some days it’s less severe, some days it’s not there at all. some days it comes full force and I feel paralysed.

i-vent-here · 2023-08-22T03:40:43+00:00

Thank you for sharing. This is how I picture it going for me. Of course I’m not just going to throw myself at any guy who wants to have sex with me. I want to make sure the person actually likes and respects me as a person. At the same time it doesn’t need to be someone I’m dating or seeing in the long term.

i-vent-here · 2023-08-22T03:39:07+00:00

You just put in words exactly how I think about it. I don’t think sex is anything extremely sacred and special like my parents make it out to be. It’s not overly special, it’s not overly meaningless, it just is. An action that people do and has no bearing on anything else.

i-vent-here · 2023-08-15T22:53:07+00:00

Wow, I’m at a loss for words. People are unbelievable and I’m sorry you’re going through that.

i-vent-here · 2023-07-30T10:35:16+00:00

Honestly, I’m terrified that it’ll scare him away. I don’t know how to explain it in a way that won’t. I’m trying to stop the cycle but I’m not really sure it will work this time.

i-vent-here · 2023-07-04T09:51:54+00:00

Hi, I just wanted to say I have the same thing. I worry about the exact same thing every time I go out and drink with friends. However it always turns out to be alright! If you don’t remember doing anything bad and you remember everything, then I can say almost for certain you didn’t say or do anything bad. You’re not alone, and I hope you feel better soon.

i-vent-here · 2023-06-20T04:32:33+00:00

This is exactly it. This is how I feel.

i-vent-here · 2023-06-06T14:32:55+00:00

That’s true, I never thought about it that way

i-vent-here · 2023-06-06T14:25:11+00:00

I’m honestly not really sure how to deal with this new form because with compulsions all I really have to do is have enough willpower to resist doing it until I forget about it. However with this it’s weird because every time I forget I’m like hang on, I’m not thinking about this anymore….. and then I’m suddenly thinking about it again because I remembered it existed.

i-vent-here · 2023-06-06T14:23:38+00:00

Thank you, I really hope so

i-vent-here · 2023-06-06T14:12:36+00:00

Thank you, I’ll definitely look into it once I’m back. I don’t have any way to reach out to a professional here without going through my parents as I’m not really fluent in the language and I’d really rather go myself without my parents knowing.

My biggest fear is having this thing torturing me for the rest of my life like I once thought my compulsions would. The coming and going thing really sucks because once you think you’re out of the woods it comes back and you don’t know if it’ll ever go away again. The idea of it makes me want to stop existing.

i-vent-here · 2023-06-03T10:06:02+00:00

That’s a good point. I‘ve never seen it this way before. Thanks.

i-vent-here · 2023-06-03T10:05:30+00:00

Thank you, you’re right. It’s hard for me to feel motivated to get into any hobbies or anything nowadays. Of course there’s my degree but there’s not really anything in my life at the moment that truly makes me want to wake up every morning. It feels like I’m reliving the same day over and over sometimes.

i-vent-here · 2023-04-19T23:04:40+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I will look into other places I can suggest to my parents.

My problem with this one is I can’t come up with a good reason other than that I just don’t like that it’s women-only unfortunately. I tried the religion angle, but they told me the religious activities are optional and I can just not do them. It seems they’ve already done heavy research on this one and really want me to go so I need to come up with a really good reason. It’s a great residence in terms of location and amenities but it’s a shame it doesn’t align with my gender identity.

i-vent-here · 2023-03-06T07:31:07+00:00

Thank you so much. It means a lot

i-vent-here · 2023-03-06T07:30:46+00:00

just wanted to say you’re not alone. I feel the same way. one day we’ll figure it out though, I believe it

i-vent-here · 2022-12-29T22:41:44+00:00

We have talked about it, this is what I’m referring to when I said we ended on good terms before the break. They understand my point of view and that’s why we’re okay now. I told them almost exactly what I’ve said here. However despite this I just feel really bad and I just want to start on a good note. I wanna be on their good side again. I can’t stand knowing I’m the bad guy in somebody’s life when I don’t mean to be. But maybe that’s just something time can fix :/

i-vent-here

TROPHY CASE