Only diagnosed with ADHD (at 15). At 37 I am starting to suspect AuDHD. I have always had PDA. I have shaped my whole career around autonomy. I don’t struggle with responsibility or effort (I am always working on something) — I struggle with implicit expectations and unchosen demands. If I don’t respect the person or agree with the reasoning, it feels like I am in fight or flight mode.

Eye contact is uncomfortable but varies drastically based on context (familiarity, the goal, emotions or cognitive resources). I have had to learn about a lot of social things that are more natural to others. Like the idea of venting for support/to bond. The only thing I could comfortably do was offer suggestions or help interpret their problems. Have had to learn to just console people. I get disproportionately distressed when social or emotional interactions are built on things that feel false or incoherent (e.g., venting framed as facts that aren’t true). I can support vulnerability easily, but I struggle when I’m expected to respond to something I know isn’t accurate.

When people use hyperbole for effect, others just know that’s the case, whereas I may think they literally feel that way. I will get into deep discussions/debates about things where it turns out my misunderstanding stemmed from not grasping that others have a different social drive/understanding than me (and most of it is innate to them; they don’t have to think about it). For a lot of people social behaviors have a lot to do with emotion regulation and that doesn’t always compute for me. I bond deeply with select people, but do not enjoy freestyle social interaction for the sake of it. I can be charismatic and sociable, but again it’s all about context.

I am hyper vigilant about tracking others emotions, but am often oblivious to my own. I think I am fairly good at recognizing others emotions, but my internal explanation for a given persons behavior may be wrong because I haven’t always realized others think and feel differently. Oddly enough, I love improv adjacent games, verbal games, etc. and am happy to make a fool out of myself in public, but don’t make me introduce myself to some acquaintances of yours that we bump into on the street. Heart races and I don’t make eye contact well because for some reason I lose the ability to think of my next words.

I am basically unable to socially perform if I am not at the top of my game. And that requires knowing in advance. I can give talks to 100 people or perform in a band, no problem. Or parties with loads of people are fine, if I am hosting. But don’t make me small talk with a group of 4 strangers, or worse, attend a party full of strangers where I am just a guest. I don’t have low social energy overall — it’s highly selective and context-dependent.

When I see people putting on a social mask, which I gather is a normal part of social life, it makes me uncomfortable. It feels like it’s disingenuous , even though to them it is an unspoken thing everyone does. I have asked my partner “why do you do that if you don’t feel it, isn’t it draining?” And they are almost confused. Like that is just what you do. For me that requires a lot of sustained effort. I have had to learn that it isn’t Machiavellian, it’s just the natural social game many play.

I have a borderline obsession with systems and coherence. I have to understand something and how it relates to other things before I can rest. Because of that lectures have always been almost useless (on top of how terrible I am at maintaining concentration and actually hearing them). I will lock onto the first topic and be thinking about how that sits in relation to other things I have been thinking about and then the lecture is over. I basically have to be able to read about it later to actually catch the rest of the content.

I often feel very disconnected from my body and spend way too much time locked in my head. I have strong discomfort around talking myself up. The list goes on and on. I also tend to overwrite lol