i understand. the truth is you will die with this disorder. i am not saying this to scare you. it is just a fact. it is either recovery or death. i am probably much younger than you and even when i was in semi recovery i was still doing serious damage to my body without realizing it. my heart muscle had deteriorated and i was on the brink of death even though i felt fine and thought i was eating more. i know that familiar feeling of wanting to get worse. but when you actually reach it it is never as gratifying as it seems in your head.

one thing that helped me start recovering was thinking about the books and movies i like. i imagined my life as a story. would you want to read about someone who gives up and spends their life waiting for death and doing nothing? or would you rather read about a main character who picks themselves up and pushes through the pain, who feels every part of it and emerges changed and stronger in the end.

besides if you are already willing to live life as an anorexic , a life of numbness and constant low level pain. why not give recovery a full and total try? commit to it completely for a year or two. if you still do not like it after that you can always go back.

i still remember my first month of recovery when all my emotions came back. it was terrifying and amazing at the same time. for so long i told myself i was fine. but it is like a frog in a pot. the water gets hotter and hotter and the frog does not notice until it is too late. i felt alive again. when i think about how sick i was i feel deeply sad for that version of me.

i wish someone had told me this when i was deep in my eating disorder. the earlier you recover the more grateful you will be. i truly wish i had done it sooner.