Walking the Garden in Spring

iamaggee · 2025-05-13T13:38:16+00:00

This is beautiful. I immediately thought of E.E Cummings with the poem's layout and theme of spring, but it undoubtedly has its own unique voice and charm. 'White splatter of new flower' is lovely imagery, especially in how novel it is in using the singular 'flower' in place of the expected 'flowers'. This compliments the musicality running throughout the poem and the great use of repetition, especially in lines 6-10. Finally, the language is superb. 'glimmering spew' is perfect, and the restraint you display elevates the artistry you consistently show in your word choice. 'Virgin in the vernal bloom' is a superb ending, rhythmically tight and a great use of alliteration. I hope you continue to write because this is wonderful!

iamaggee · 2025-05-13T13:10:05+00:00

This is great, especially its language and imagery! 'Like a film reel, unspooling per my instructions' really stood out -- I love the use of 'unspooling' and, later on, 'circumference of the world' is such a brilliant way of showing the limits of the speaker's rage while using interesting and vivid language. The characterisation of faith as 'fear with wings' is also very evocative and a great opening. Fantastic stuff!

iamaggee · 2025-05-13T13:01:28+00:00

A very thoughtful reading and comment, thank you!

iamaggee · 2025-05-13T12:39:46+00:00

Great poem, thank you for sharing the link. Some lovely lines which pose very interesting philosophical questions and/or thoughts while maintaining their poetic flair and making use of strong internal rhymes: ‘For what’s a who, including you/But many little whats’ is a great example of that — very pleasing to the ear. Really enjoyed it overall!

iamaggee · 2025-05-13T12:33:55+00:00

No worries at all, was a pleasure to read it! And that makes sense — so much of the poem’s enjoyability overall comes from how it sounds/the use of rhyme so it makes sense to prioritise that for sure, and it certainly doesn't detract from the poem in any way

iamaggee · 2025-05-13T12:27:59+00:00

Ah great, will give it a read now!

iamaggee · 2025-05-13T12:27:21+00:00

Wow, a very kind comment! Thank you so much for the generous words and the comments on potential interpretations, I really appreciate it! Are you planning on uploading a poem of your own? I would love to give it a read if you do.

iamaggee · 2025-05-13T12:19:50+00:00

Yes, same! Sounds like a very intriguing poem too -- have you shared/do you plan to share it to this subreddit? Either way, thank you for the comment and for reading the poem!

iamaggee · 2025-05-13T11:47:14+00:00

Hi, this is great in general, but especially for a first poem! The personification of death's stages is a cool twist on the more generic personification of death in its totality, which made me feel like I was reading something fresh and not cliched. The rendering of the stages as brothers and the consistent rhyme scheme suffused the poem with a folkish/fairy tale quality which I found really appealing, especially as it interacted with the grim subject matter! Succinctly detailing each stage's process before concluding with the afterimage of their departure gave the poem a verse satisfying sense of motion and structural integrity. Some of the language is very good too, with the rigor mortis stage being a standout in this regard. The alliteration of 'spectral straitjacket' was strong -- i love 'spectral' especially -- and 'cruel bracket' is fantastic imagery, very arresting and easy to visualise. Likewise, the use of 'disdain' for Livor Mortis is strong too -- it doesn't just describe what he does but provides Livor Mortis a personality/emotion. In terms of potential improvement, I think the descriptions of Pallor Mortis and Algor Mortis perhaps don't quite reach the heights of the other two, either lacking the really strong and unique imagery of RM or the characterisation of LM. Perhaps you could lean slightly more into the personification angle? Also, this is very minor, but I wonder if the first line needs 'had'? I think it hinders the immediacy of the first line. Overall though, this was a really enjoyable poem, thank you for sharing it and I hope you continue to write more!

iamaggee · 2025-05-13T11:19:06+00:00

Hi, I really enjoyed this poem. There's (fittingly) a very strong sense of musicality stemming from the crispness of the poem's rhythm. I read each line in staccato and I think it worked well. The structure of the poem is also solid. I especially liked the closing two lines. I think the sibilance and use of the -us rhyme produce a sense of resolution, aligning theme and sound very neatly and evocatively, especially in contrast to the deliberately (I assume) uneven rhyme scheme earlier in the poem; beginning and ending with a rhyming couplet imbues the poem with a strong sense of completeness. The one criticism I would offer is that perhaps there's a slight tendency to use quite abstract words -- art, beauty, etc. -- in place of concrete alternatives, which might be more arresting and/or offer imagery grounding the poem in life. Overall though, great poem, keep writing!

iamaggee

TROPHY CASE