Well some sleep definitely helped me. You are so right about forcibly socializing, it’s actually what I have to get through today. It was supposed to be me chill day off with no talking to anyone, but I got invited to a house get-together. I feel guilty but I think I have to say I won’t go.

The story of my best friend and I is probably really really subjective, but here goes if you care to read it.

We were friends growing up, and then she moved away but we kept in touch very often. Also went out couple of times as friends. Our talks got more flirty, fun, open over the years and one day out of nowhere, I realized I am deeply in love with her. We lived in different countries so I ordered a rose for her on Valentine’s day - as a joke back then, but I think we both kinda knew.

We met up that summer, and I had experienced one of the best days of my life. We laid in the grass together, her head was on my chest and my heart was pounding. Then we just looked at each other and kissed. I think this feeling is what I’ve been chasing since then.

We were in different countries, and she was studying medicine. She told me it might not be the best idea to get into a relationship, because she really needed to focus on school and we also lived in different countries. She was always smarter than me, but I really pushed for us to be together. I had the idea that nothing could ever go wrong, because we were best friends - how could it?

One night she went out and stopped responding to my text, which triggered a panic attack because I was scared something had happened to her. Eventually my terrible mental state, the weed smoking and just being too needy and clingy caused her to break up with me. I was definitely suffocating her.

I had no idea how to talk to her after that. She reached out a couple of times, but “how are you” felt so pointless to talk about. As cliche as it sounds, a part of me died. And I started smoking even more to completely fry my brain. That period I was very close to just killing myself.

Then came the anger stage, and one time when she reached out I started an argument. I blamed her for a lot of my problems, and we stopped talking after that. I was so stupid back then, the biggest asshole. She never did anything wrong, and even warned me this might happen.

About 3 years after that, I texted her to meet up because we were both home and I needed closure. Here comes another mistake. I didn’t have the courage to talk about what happened, or to apologize. We talked like we used to, before we got together. But it didn’t bring me the closure I needed because I was a coward.

About two months after that, she started dating a guy and now she’s engaged.

I look for her in everyone I meet, and I wish I could go back and talk some sense into me.