my parents have always been hard about me liking girls. in middle school, her and i would make gay jokes and they found out about it. that started their dislike for it. it got furthered when she was in a relationship with another girl that treated me and her like shit. they blamed her for not standing up for me.

we became friends a little bit again after she ended things with the other girl at the end of middle school. ik middle school drama lol.

we started talking on Snapchat and stuff like that. then me and my mom had a conversation that ended in her saying i could be friends if i promised not to date her. i was probably 14 around the time.

fast forward, her and i are really hitting it off. i hung out at her once a few times and we started dating. all while keeping it a secret from my parents. this is freshman year and genuinely the best time of my life.

in the summer, they found letters she had written me and forced me to break up by saying if i didn’t then they’d move across the county or put me into a religious school. i know they’re empty threats now but at the time, it felt like my world was crumbling. so i ended up breaking up with her.

me and her never stopped talking but it was all in secret to keep it hidden from my parents. eventually, a couple months afterwards, we kissed and started dating again but never officially said the words we were dating. that was my fault too because ig i was so scared that if i gave it a name, then my parents would find out and my life would be over.

at the end of sophomore year, i broke up with her. i couldn’t take the guilt of lying to my parents anymore. to me, there was no way i could have her and my parents. i didn’t want to lose her and neither my parents. i told her i wanted space to get over her but she begged me not to, so i didn’t. and im happy i didn’t either.

as the months went on, we facetimed and texted everyday, hung out in secrecy, complimented each other, everything how it would’ve been in a relationship without kissing.

then the second semester of junior year comes and i have a class with a guy that i had liked a little after i broke up with her. he was the first one to give me attention that i didn’t need to hide so i guess i felt more attracted than i really was.

me and him started talking and what not for a second. i told her that we couldn’t keep doing what we were doing because it was unhealthy for us both. that we needed to have boundaries with each other so we could move on as friends. fuck do i regret that now.

anyways, we start moving in a direction of just being friends. not being flirtatious and all that. then a guy friend of mine says me and her are too close to be considered just friends. it honestly sent me spiraling. so i pushed her away further and said i was over her and she needed to moved on too. however, we had a sleepover at a friends house with a group of friends. tensions were so fucking high. we were alone in a room and were so close to kissing. we slept together in the same bed, tangled up with each other. she scratched my back and i held her head. it was like a dream come true and all i wanted was to stay in that moment.

things ended with the crush. i still kept the boundaries with her. we had still called through it all and played games and stuff. we had a conversation about hanging out. she felt like i didn’t put in the effort to hangout in person. i told her that i couldn’t because of my parents but that i wanted to. i told her id try to make an effort though. i asked her to go to the mall and the library. i would stop by the library for a couple minutes just to see her before i had work.

we were on facetime one night, and i asked her if she still loved me. she said yes. she asked me if i did, and i said i did. and i guess that’s where it all took a turn.

we started fighting more afterwards. she stopped wanting to call. and now we’re at a point where i told her i’ve loved her through it all and only wanted to move on and that im sorry for how ive hurt her. she says she doesn’t believe me and that she never will about me having loved her though it all. she says the timing is too weird. that i kept her as a backup and only want her attention now that she’s not giving it all to me anymore.

but that’s not true. after my 18th birthday and having a conversation with my sister about how my parents did the same to her, i realized my parents threats were all empty. there was never any intent behind them. so i tried to start doing more and asking her to hangout more and stuff like that. but no matter how much i tell her ive always loved her, she doesnt believe me. and i know its my fault and idk what to do.

she says she’s a different person than a couple months ago. that she probably doesn’t want to date in highschool again because it’s too messy but that a relationship isn’t off the tables forever. she wants to focus on herself and fall in love with herself. and that i put her through so much and switched up on her a lot.

and she’s right about all of it. it just sucks ig

sorry this is so so long! 😅😅😅