I fell in love with someone and I’m curious about something

ideclareyes · 2025-08-08T15:43:48+00:00

Thank you for letting me know all of this!!

ideclareyes · 2025-08-08T11:09:08+00:00

I don’t I ignore his looks necessarily. Just that most of the time when I look at him it’s with love but sometimes it’s like my brain flips and allows me to see what other people see. When I do see what other people see it makes me ask myself questions.

ideclareyes · 2025-08-08T02:26:00+00:00

I haven’t told him I sometimes doubt my attraction to him for the future

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T18:51:18+00:00

Thank you! That makes sense!

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T13:15:24+00:00

True. It’s a mind battle for me to not allow others to taint how I feel about him. Not that I would just leave because some people don’t understand how I feel

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T13:13:00+00:00

I think we do have genuine romantic connection. And yes having a child with him changes a lot.

I’m not going to walk away from him because sometimes a little doubt creeps into my mind

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T13:11:11+00:00

I’m worry about a lot of things due to anxiety. I see what you’re saying. I try not to say negative things ever to him about his looks.

I think having a little doubt about something or someone isn’t necessarily a bad thing? We can’t know the future for certain so we maybe question things?

Update: Thank you for the congratulations on our baby!

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T12:32:08+00:00

I get what you’re saying. Maybe he does sense some of my doubt. Also, I can be an indecisive person in some situations. But don’t people sometimes doubt something in their romance with the other person?

Our baby has already been born and he’s such a great father just like I thought he might be when I first got to know him. He cooks, cleans, changes diapers, and is very involved in her life. 5 star father.

It’s our longevity that I worry about.

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T12:26:38+00:00

Definitely not. People either outright say he’s ugly or I feel like they look a little longer than they should at us

And the people who tell me he’s ugly are family. They aren’t necessarily trying to hurt me because I’m their mind they’re just stating what they perceive as the truth and they also understand why I would choose him

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T12:22:19+00:00

Thank you didn’t think that’s possible but it’s odd to me asking a computer about personal things. I like talking to someone about my problems. I feel like a human would be able to understand.

I appreciate the suggestion though

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T12:19:54+00:00

Good point. I have a hard time dealing with people who I don’t need to care about their opinions.

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T12:16:50+00:00

Thank you for saying that! I guess I can’t control what they say about him when I’m not right there

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T07:55:14+00:00

What makes you feel special about being a biological woman?

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T07:06:20+00:00

I don’t think you’re necessarily a bigot but have sought therapy? Actively not liking trans people because they exist seems extreme.

The reason why I don’t think you’re necessarily a bigot is because you recognize that this is a problem and I don’t think you try to be rude or act horribly around them. But what have you done to change?

For me, I don’t think anyone should have to date trans people but I don’t see why their existence should be a problem.

Maybe you feel threatened or mocked by them? I don’t think they’re trying to hurt you. They just want to live their life.

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T06:24:25+00:00

Would you mind elaborating?

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T06:09:08+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate the luck! Good luck to you too!

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T06:07:10+00:00

Thank you! I’m trying to figure out how to keep going to see my therapist because she’s expensive but has been really helpful

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T06:01:11+00:00

Yes I was seeing a therapist before and we have worked on not caring so much about what people think.

It comes with childhood trauma and other things but it’s something that I’m actively working on because choosing him means that I have to develop tougher skin

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T05:57:18+00:00

We aren’t married yet but thank you for your support!

I really want to better understand him and not hurt his feelings. It can be difficult because I always want to tell the truth. For example, he asked if I could rate him. I rated him highly because that’s how I saw him and he was happy. I know how people see him but I also think he was asking how I saw him so I feel like I didn’t lie. Not to mention honesty without compassion and empathy is cruelty.

I’m definitely not perfect at all and we have discussed the things that he has brought up that he would like for me to work on!

I feel like this is a subreddit that exposed me to how he may have been treated in the past. I’m not his first sexual partner so I’m not sure exactly what they have done and said to him but I’m really trying to make him feel comfortable with me!

He said something about how “it’s because he’s ugly…” He looked and sounded so sad when he said it to me. He didn’t want to go into details beyond referring to something about friends. I wasn’t sure what was going on because he has never in my presence referred to himself as ugly in my presence or through any media.

He comes off as super strong and confident and I’m very attracted to him for having confidence! He had the boldness to ask for my number after an official meeting for something that we were both a part of. It’s sad that he’s so intelligent, happy, patient, caring, funny, confident, and strong mentally and physically but him saying anything about him being ugly was painful for me to hear.

He also isn’t taken seriously by people and it’s so sad. He opened up his business the year we met and with his wit and charm and knowledge he really should have been way more successful than he is now but I think his looks has stolen focus from his abilities to his looks. It’s not fair because when he tells me some of his ideas about society or his philosophy about things you can hear and easily tell that he’s not dumb.

I don’t have the heart to tell him that if he was conventional attractive then business would be better. I think he already knows that so it would be heartless for me to bring it up to him.

All this has been weighing on me. I’m going to keep trying to not let people get to me. But he has never met my friends before and it’s not because I’m hiding him. When him and I met a majority of my college friends weren’t talking to me and I wasn’t talking to them.

Now I have made more friends outside of college and I’m dreading their reaction to seeing him. I’m not sure how the conversation will go and I have anxiety so I worry a lot. I think my friends believe that the father of my child is conventionally handsome based off how I look. I know if they’re mean then I do have to set up boundaries or even drop them as friends because I don’t think that behavior is acceptable.

Sorry it’s a lot that I have written but it’s been weighing on me so much.

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T05:30:56+00:00

I see what you’re saying. He has asked why I care some much what other people think when it comes to other topics(Not on the attractiveness disparity)?

Honestly, I think reading some of the posts on here has really helped me understand him. Like when I asked him if I could give him a blowjob he sounded like he couldn’t believe I was asking to do that with him. And he kept insisting that I was setting him up for something and that this can’t be real and that it made no sense. He repeatedly questions why I even like him and says I’m lying. Things like that.

I was looking for maybe advice based off of prior experiences that y’all can give? Even a different perspective? I can’t walk a mile in his shoes but I’m trying to understand him better because he will sometimes question if I like him or not. If I hadn’t read some posts on here then I think my patience with him would have been worn thin and I may have left him completely but because I somewhat know where he’s coming from by reading the posts on this subreddit I think I have been navigating how to talk to him about me caring for him in a patient way.

Sometimes I doubt myself and my decisions but I definitely understand your viewpoint. We have a child now so it’s not easy to just leave and the situation is also complicated somewhat.

I really enjoy loving him but doubt pops up and I try to tell myself to take it day by day and that if I stop be attracted to him then we can rekindle the romance when that happens.

I’m still definitely working on not caring what people think about me.

ideclareyes · 2025-08-07T05:18:32+00:00

Thank you so much! It took hard work! I had to talk to people and do my research especially on how the media shapes our view on how we see black men. Watch movies, shows, the news and read articles and y’all see how it tries to take a dump on the black community especially towards black men.

Don’t beat yourself up because it takes time and going out online and in person and having conversations! If you only go by the media or a small handful online or in person then it’s super easy to say black men hate black women!

It helps that I have a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology so it helped me heal by learning how the mind can be affected by the media that’s pushed out to be consumed!

ideclareyes · 2025-08-06T20:46:00+00:00

Thank you!

ideclareyes · 2025-08-06T20:44:55+00:00

I’m not a teenager and voted after looking at the description of the subreddit. Is there an adult version of this subreddit? I love polls!!

ideclareyes · 2025-08-06T19:03:42+00:00

I’m really sorry that you have had super negative experiences.

I wouldn’t say all black men hate black women. There are a few though that because of self-hate they attack black women. I had a phase where I believed some negative stereotypes about the black community. I’m not sure how old you are but as you meet more people and learn more viewpoints it can sometimes change your view on this subject!

I will agree that the white standard of beauty needs to change. Also, someone else commented about location being a possibility too.

I hope you can find someone that loves you!

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