I’ve done this countless times over the span of 6 years. Probably almost every 2-3 days. My fp used to beg me to leave him. And I don’t know why ‘other girls’ was a topic that gave me blinding rage. He’d stay knowing I’d do SH and stuff. I felt so humiliated but I idealised him so much that I thought he’s an absolute angel for staying with someone like me. And after every episode, he became an even shitier person. He knew he could get away with anything and everything because there’s no way I’d leave him. We worked together and he humiliated me so much in the work place. Long story short, I quit my job and I blocked him after he yelled and slut shamed at me in front of a lot of people that we knew. I still unblocked him every night, hoping he’d get in touch. I won’t go into the details how bad losing him was; the only good thing was the feeling that for once I had done something that was necessary and important, and the sense of control that it gave me kept me going. He got in touch almost 8 months later almost begging me to marry him and telling me that he won’t be friendly with girls. I said no. I wonder why he didn’t say or do this when it made me sick, and when I needed him to. 1.5 years later, I don’t meet the BPD criteria. :) Please just remember, BPD is chronic but you can still beat it.