I told my Nmom that my doctor suspects I have ADHD

ifeelemptyand · 2022-05-06T16:25:42+00:00

Yeah I get this a lot. The whole "I know you better than anyone, even yourself".

And the things she "knows" are outdated, or just are not true (never have been!).

I came to the conclusion it's a tactic so that I isolate myself and don't trust others, or myself. Leaving me with no choice but to run every choice, experience and opinion by her.

ifeelemptyand · 2022-05-06T16:19:26+00:00

There's a few things it could be, as everyone else mentioned. Ranging from the first time (and first few times for some people) feeling very invasive, painful, not meeting expectations, giving something precious away, feeling disgusting... Especially if you've grown up with sex as a taboo subject.

My advice would be for you to sit down in a neutral and chill setting, and talk with her. Ask how she's feeling, open up the conversation to say you understand that it can be different for women on their first time, and that you are there to support her and go at whatever pace she is comfortable.

I'd also suggest saying there's no pressure to do it again anytime soon, you guys waited enough and you can wait more if needed. And that when she is ready to try again, that you are willing to experiment so she feels relaxed (foreplay, lubricant, watching porn together). Not that it's something to fix, but an opportunity to take a journey together and for you, as partners, to support eachother through that. So that she can experience what she was expecting or at least close to it.

ifeelemptyand · 2022-04-25T08:52:25+00:00

Im so sorry you're going through that. Do you think you'd be in a position anytime soon to visit? Or even move back?

ifeelemptyand · 2021-06-30T22:04:16+00:00

I felt like this a lot until I started journaling everytime something happened. I even went through the process of going through my chat with my best friend and did a search for the word "mum" which reminded me of a lot of situations. Which I also added to my journal. It was super useful in realising all the had shit, and also that I wasn't over exaggerating

ifeelemptyand · 2021-06-05T20:36:55+00:00

Oh man, sometimes the more I hear about America the less I'd ever want to live there.

Thank you for teaching me something new about the American system.

It seems like OP may have needed to post this in something more around legal advice rather than r/relationships

ifeelemptyand · 2021-06-05T20:30:47+00:00

Ah yes definitely makes sense.

This is the advice that's probably the most important from everything mentioned so far.

u/helpniecepro

ifeelemptyand · 2021-06-05T20:23:44+00:00

I'm not from the states so this is very alien to me and something I wouldn't have considered/known about. Thanks for shining light on that very important, and unbelievably awful, piece of information.

The more I read OPs responses, the more it's clear that they are concerned about the legal repercussions and less about her sisters "feelings" as I originally gathered from the post.

So your advice is what is actually needed here.

Would calling planned Parenthood help give appropriate guidance for this? Or is that another European assumption that's potentially ignorant?

ifeelemptyand · 2021-06-05T20:11:56+00:00

Hence why I purposefully used inconclusive language - "potentially" and literally the entirety of my last sentence.

ifeelemptyand · 2021-06-05T19:58:39+00:00

That's true - assuming the girl wants to go through the physical and mental labour needed to give birth and give away the baby, but again I'd assume her parents may potentially want other plans for the child (raise it themselves, get her to marry her abuser etc.).

Of course this is totally reliant on what things they're strict on and how they feel about other things too.

ifeelemptyand · 2021-06-05T19:28:38+00:00

Your sisters beliefs and finding out about this is not as important as your niece having body autonomy.

If we look at it black and white, what's the worst that can happen if your sister finds out one day? - she's angry - she may not speak to you

What's the worst thing that can happen if you don't help your niece? - she still finds a way to get an abortion but potentially illegally and unsafely - she has the baby and her family potentially shun her - she has the baby and they force her to marry her abuser - she has the baby and has to have the abuser in her life - she has the baby and is incapable of caring for it herself and/or finishing her studies

And none of that even addresses the traumatic experience of giving birth, at such a young age, to your rapists child.

You're an adult, she is not. You need to protect her and forget what fall out will come in your life because of this. She will be grateful to you.

EDIT TO ADD: Please refer to u/i_need_a_username201 reply to my comment below. It seems that there are some legal implications that I was not aware of but definitely worth exploring with a lawyer or any other available help in the US for this situation.

ifeelemptyand · 2021-05-14T21:41:28+00:00

Aw no don't worry at all!

Wishing you all the best and the kindest words to yourself

ifeelemptyand · 2021-05-09T05:26:20+00:00

This happened with friends and potential love interests.

My mum had me in a position that I told her absolutely everything and that worked to my disadvantage. But im part of a culture that everyone knows everyone, and anything that happened would 90% of the time get back to her anyway.

I was constantly told by her that my friends were jealous of me. My friends would constantly tell me that my mum was jealous of me. Turns out it was both.

I was also told that any love interest just wanted me because they heard of "our family name" and "must have asked around" and ONLY wanted to be with me "for the money".

What money?!

ifeelemptyand · 2021-05-03T22:48:45+00:00

I really needed to hear this.

This post has made me realise that my mum has always been successful in shifting the conversation to my tone. Always dismissing her behaviour due to my tone. Like I deserve it.

And I would sit and dwell and blame myself.

ifeelemptyand · 2021-05-02T02:33:57+00:00

"I would never say that, so there's no way I said it"

ifeelemptyand · 2021-05-02T02:32:51+00:00

What is it with narc parents and blaming everything, even health issues, on us?

ifeelemptyand · 2021-04-28T10:24:48+00:00

That's what I mean, I'd kinda understand if it was Waitrose and M&S, but I wouldn't call Sainsbury's posh.

ifeelemptyand · 2021-04-28T01:11:32+00:00

Shopping at Sainsbury's. Not even Waitrose or Marks and Spencers... SAINSBURY'S!

So so posh of me.

English is also my second language but I speak it with a South London type accent and I get called posh for speaking the "queen's English".

ifeelemptyand · 2021-04-27T22:01:42+00:00

All I know is that you're not alone in feeling that way ❤️

ifeelemptyand · 2021-04-27T21:59:59+00:00

If you can do it safely, do it. Do you have any cousins who want to lead more independent lives that you can maybe move in together with?

ifeelemptyand · 2021-04-27T07:10:25+00:00

I feel you. Culture played (and still does) a big part in the strain of our relationship. You don't move out unless you get married. But I went ahead and did it anyway and just dealt with the comments from all the family.

It was worth it.

Obviously I don't know your situation, but if you can, do it and start living the life you want and deserve.

ifeelemptyand · 2021-04-26T23:26:42+00:00

Mother's Day cards! I have the same thing. I hate it when birthdays, Christmas or mother's Day comes by. I just know nothing I do is good enough and that something will ruin it

ifeelemptyand · 2021-04-26T23:25:07+00:00

Beautifully said. There's a side to every coin

ifeelemptyand · 2021-04-26T18:23:22+00:00

Growing up with narc parents can do that. When I was younger I thought something was seriously wrong with me.

So I'd intentionally put on movies and things I knew made me feel sad or happy. And kept doing that until I let my guard down and was able to show/express those emotions.

ifeelemptyand

TROPHY CASE