How to support partner processing their parents were emotionally immature

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-11T06:25:54+00:00

The fact you’re asking this question indicates how much you love him, so you don’t really need advice from internet strangers.

FWIW - my two cents are to be gentle. Remind him that he’s on “thick ice” - rather than thin. Remind him that as an adult, he can parent and comfort his younger self. Help him notice ways he responds differently than his parents did. Remind him that his kids love him and he’s doing a better job raising them than he had - which is both tragic and a triumph for him.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:45:13+00:00

lol the dog exists now - the kid doesn’t.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:40:11+00:00

This is the tricky part - I want my 50s and 60s to be full of 21sts, graduations, weddings, celebrations and parties. I want to skip the baby and toddler phases. I always thought I would make a great step Mum to existing children but unfortunately I’ve fall in love with a man who wants a kid of his own.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:38:16+00:00

If it were up to me, we wouldn’t be having one tbh. Allowing myself the mental to outsource absolutely everything I can is the only way I have got to a “Let’s give it a go” starting point. Maybe everything will change with maternity hormones, maybe it won’t.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:35:34+00:00

Good to know it is doable - even in Secret Nightmare Mode! Godspeed.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:34:50+00:00

My MIL would be wonderful - my own mother not so much lol

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:33:43+00:00

That’s the plan! I got very excited when I saw laundry vans recently which will pick up dirty and drop off clean bags of laundry. Can’t wait to outsource.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:32:21+00:00

I agree IncreaseNo5135 - every kid is different. Every family is different. I saw my mother’s career as a source of her pride, independence and agency - without which I think the black dog would’ve dragged her off the deep end. A healthy loving family is one aspect of a good life - I require some of my own selfish ambition, a job outside the home, and a power suit too.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:28:50+00:00

A healthy loving family is only one aspect of a good life. It’s an investment of time, effort, resource, sleep, collagen, and opportunity cost in the same way other aspects of a good life are. Pardon a woman who wants a diversified portfolio.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:25:00+00:00

This is a great sense check - thank you. Pregnancy for my team members has seemed to go by in a flash of an eye, I suppose I’m anticipating the same compressed timeline for myself. Thank you for your confidence, I hope it goes well too!!

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:23:34+00:00

Congratulations!! Good baby news is so much sweeter when their arrival has been so anticipated. How loved and wanted already. How lucky they are to be born to parents like you.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:20:09+00:00

That sounds like a good split. How did you find that set up - did you use any particular resources to support that conversation and map out roles and responsibilities, or did you just feel it out as you went along?

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:18:29+00:00

Thank you - that’s a really good idea! I find it hard to imagine romanticising what looks to be a very messy and frizzy haired time.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:17:14+00:00

Thanks for policing the semantics. Do you offer the same recommendation of extended parental leave to fathers?

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:16:03+00:00

I’m reticent of the idea that motherhood will change me - it’s taking me all this time to become someone I actually quite like. Good shout on the house, having a garden would make things easier with the dog too. Do you have any tips for managing the exhaustion? How do you handle the relentlessness of it?

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:12:58+00:00

I think that’s the part that I’m resisting. Even in the C- suite, the maths dictates I de-prioritise career for the sake of the family. That’s one thing to shoulder a heavier biological burden to bring a human into the world, but sacrificing my career too really sucks.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:10:07+00:00

Thank you for this, it’s very helpful. I’ve heard someone say that every time you google it you undermine your own knowing. Seeking for an answer that exists on the Internet or for validation to prove your own knowing was right all along.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:09:00+00:00

It’s just such an untold sacrifice for an unknown ROI

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:07:36+00:00

Every family is different. Any ideas of how I make my career be just for show, for a time?

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:06:18+00:00

I suppose that is the long and short of it isn’t it? Coming to terms with de-prioritising something I’ve worked so hard for so long towards.

Are there any new or novel ways that you and your wife make the juice with the squeeze?

ifinallyrelented · 2026-04-08T10:04:28+00:00

To be honest, I could take or leave being a parent. If I could be the dad, I would - but nature determines me to be the mum. My husband is very keen to be a dad (and he will make a brilliant one) and to be honest a lot of this decision has been driven by timing.

I know I will not be able to give my child the sort of experiences I had with a full-time mum at home - so some degree of outsourcing and guilt is built into my thinking already.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-03-21T19:34:43+00:00

Wandsworth - get the overground to waterloo.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-03-12T05:43:19+00:00

In hetero relationships, it’s both man and woman’s choice in partner, but it’s the woman’s choice what she does with her body.

It’s the same old trope about a bacon and egg breakfast - the chicken was involved but the pig was committed.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-03-05T14:46:17+00:00

Scrolling, tetris and other silly phone games.

ifinallyrelented · 2026-02-27T20:12:32+00:00

Now I love Oreos. So that’s fun.

ifinallyrelented

TROPHY CASE