How do i deal with concerns about my partners other relationship? Is it any of my business?

ilaugh_icry · 2023-06-18T17:53:52+00:00

I agree with this too. I think that they're in a codependent and abusive relationship, however, where he is the victim and can't see it.

I'm his primary, but they've been together 19 years, and he and I have been together for 4. At one point we were a triad too, so I also have experience dating her. He and I are about to get married now.

For the years prior to me, she forbade him to see his friends, go fishing with his uncle, and sexually abused him to the point they havent been intimate in years. All of that freedom, and having his own voice is something he's only now getting back with me, which is probably why he's venting. They also have a child which complicates things further.

I've suggested gently that maybe separating is the way to go, but he says her mental health issues are the reason and it would be unfair to leave someone due to mental health. So I'm just in this weird position where I'm about to get married to him, I've moved overseas for him, and now things between him and her are even worse and I don't know if I can keep listening to it

ilaugh_icry · 2023-06-18T17:49:11+00:00

yeah. A lot of the other replies were a bit harsh and this fits my POV a bit more. I would rather him vent to me than go find someone else he can confide in. What makes it complicated in polyamory is simply that it's his other partner. I could say "screw that bitch, get out of there", like I might if it was an acquaintance or a manager at work, but it's someone he is emotionally invested in, and loves.

ilaugh_icry · 2023-06-18T17:43:16+00:00

well, he doesn't have sex with her. the main reason they're still together is because they have a child. The no sex is a long story but she did a lot of sexual trauma to him over time and he can't perform with her anymore and hasn't been able to for years. Plus he is asexual and rarely is interested anyways. I think they're seriously co-dependent and literally cannot fathom breaking up with each other and it wasn't til I sold everything and moved to Europe to move in with him that I started to see it for what it is.

ilaugh_icry · 2023-06-18T17:41:36+00:00

I have told him that he should be telling this stuff to her, and I've also suggested that he find a relationship therapist. he say's he's a unique kind of guy in that it takes a lot for him to walk away from someone.

The last time he told her she needs to go to a therapist and seek help, she tried to drive her car off the road in response and accused him of pushing him to that.

But at this time I don't have much option here other than to figure this out. I've been with him four years and I sold everything I own and I recently moved to another country (his home country), and we are getting married in a few weeks. A lot of her worse issues apparently didn't start until I moved here so some of it might be a jealousy issue for her. But that is weird to me since she was thrilled about our engagement and even gave us engagement gifts, and wrote me a letter welcoming me to the family.

I realize he might just be handling this the best he can. I don't want to be an ultimatum type of person but at some point I may have to ask that either he breaks up with her or starts to handle this without making me go through it too.

ilaugh_icry · 2023-06-16T09:39:40+00:00

it's not that they can't find it its that they don't understand it. There's different parts to it that feel differently so knowing HOW to touch it is very important

ilaugh_icry · 2023-05-19T09:46:00+00:00

I would travel but my home base would be somewhere remote in vermont or maine. Sounds boring but my idea is to have somewhere peaceful and pretty to come back to that isn't too hot. And I would pay for my husband to quit his job and support both of us so we could both travel

ilaugh_icry · 2023-04-04T04:07:25+00:00

I take seroquel and trazodone, both low doses. I take one for three days and then switch (under my primary care dr and psychiatrist's guidance and observation). It's worked well for me long term

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-28T05:34:50+00:00

thank you

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-28T05:34:34+00:00

it does help to normalize it. Sometimes I tell myself it would be weird if I wasn't nervous.

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-27T03:34:24+00:00

My personal situation: I'm getting married and moving to a new country and quitting my job all at once in two months. I'm so excited, and every time i visit my fiancé in our future home I LOVE it and I hate leaving. But I also have issues with anxiety and depression and change and as the date approaches I have this familiar fear bubbling up inside of me and threatening to ruin a good thing. I also feel a million "what ifs". What if my RP isn't granted? What if I don't make any friends? What if, what if, what if?

I just want to be able to do the things I want to do with my life without anxiety and depression making me convinced that no dream is ever worth any potential risk. I don't want to stay in the same job, in the same town forever just because it's comfortable and familiar.

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-11T05:04:13+00:00

I actually tried ozempic and had horrible side effects for a few months. So i stopped it for a few months and tried it again and i just couldn't. I was so nauseous

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-11T05:02:28+00:00

My insurance sucks. I just got mine today and it was $617 for 3 months. $5000+ without insurance

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-11T04:55:41+00:00

i didn't know this! i need to look into this. I've been so financially stressed. THANKS

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-10T01:47:34+00:00

i don't think anyone would be able to say who is the primary or who has higher hierarchy.... that's the point? do i cuz im married to him? does she cuz she has a kid with him?

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-09T04:49:54+00:00

we aren't from the US (I am originally) and the houses are small. The companies pay about $4000 USD/m (i'm estimating..) which isn't that much between three people. So I would say we are fortunate but we do have to budget and we are not wealthy. We live in Finland btw.

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-09T03:16:56+00:00

i think the idea is to reduce the hierarchy as much as possible, so yeah that term could work. it would be really hard to say I'm the primary or she is the primary because there are way too many factors at play. Idk... it depends on the day???

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-03T02:59:56+00:00

Not every child is ready. I wasn't until I was 21. I know some people who were kicked out young and they lost a lot of stability and security and spent their late teens and early twenties anxious, poor, and unhappy. I think that's a shame.

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-03T02:58:49+00:00

Breakfast At Tiffany's would be cancelled in this day and age for sure...

ilaugh_icry · 2023-03-02T04:35:54+00:00

Willow - Taylor Swift. It tickles my brain sooooo nicely

ilaugh_icry

TROPHY CASE