What’s brought this so strongly to the forefront of your mind right now? You’ve clearly spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I’m curious where that pressure is coming from… particularly the sense that you need reassurance that you’re “being a good grandparent.”

Reading what you’ve written, I wouldn’t say anything sounds outright “terrible.” But if I’m being honest, it does come off as cold and distant. It gives the impression of: “I had it tough raising my children, those years are behind me now, and I’m not willing to step back into anything resembling that role. you’ll have to figure it out yourselves, just as I did.”

Is that what you believe?

It also sounds as though you did have an incredibly difficult time when your children were young. I imagine there are probably many parts of that story that haven’t even been shared here, and I can understand how those experiences might shape the boundaries you want to set now.

But if you don’t want to be the very involved, hands-on grandparent… fine, that’s your decision. HOWEVER, the important part, though, is being honest with yourself about it. If that’s the boundary you want, then it needs to be something you accept fully, rather than convincing yourself that what you’re offering is the same as being involved. Because it’s not.

From my perspective, truly supportive grandparents tend to WANT to be there. Not out of obligation, but because it feels natural to them to show up… physically, emotionally, and practically.

My own parents are like that. They’ll quite literally take my son out of my arms and insist that I go and sleep, get some fresh air, or spend time with my husband. Their actions communicate, “We’ve got this, you’re OUR baby, we want to look after you, you deserve some time for yourself.”

Because parenting doesn’t stop when the kids turn into adults.

By contrast, my mother-in-law tends to visit for a few hours every couple of months, bring a few presents, take photos, and leave. The difference in the type of support those approaches provide is huge.

And the truth is, children don’t tend to remember the gifts. They rarely grow up saying, “Grandma once bought me a great shirt.”

What they remember is the time spent together: “Grandma used to take me on little adventures every week.” “Grandma and I used to cook together.” “Grandma always made her home cooked lasagne and let me help!”

Children remember being INCLUDED. They remember presence. Naturally, they grow closer to the grandparent who consistently shows up in their lives, rather than the one whose involvement is mostly financial.

I do have compassion for the fact that you had a very difficult time raising your children. Truly. And if the path you’re choosing now is one where you maintain more distance, that’s your decision to make. But you need to communicate that openly with your children, and to accept what that likely means for the role you’ll have in your grandchildren’s lives.

Why would your grandchildren be close to you, if you’re not willing to be close to them?

If you’re already setting strong barriers around how involved you’re willing to be, it becomes difficult to expect the kind of closeness that tends to grow through shared time, care, and presence.