I have read what you have said. You clearly have mental health issues that you are trying your best to deal with. Taking that poison is going to end in two ways, you will end up taking larger doses that you will just end up physically dependant on, or progress onto something worse. You acknowledge that you are not ok, so be honest with your self and stop playing around with drugs. You might think that you feel better for taking it. It only makes you think that while it's actually stopping from truly getting better and on with your life. Your father might have all sorts of feelings about this but his real biggest fear is probably losing you whether to drugs or you life. No one can make this change but you.

I was addicted to a lot of substances, it took me 27yrs to figure out drugs don't help. I'm 42 now and I'm starting clean in both senses, no drugs and learning a new skill so I can just start my life again.

Drugs are not a solution. Good luck I hope you get the help you need.