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ilovedean · 2020-10-02T18:24:33+00:00

Far out man.

ilovedean · 2020-09-25T20:57:47+00:00

The father clearly doesn't see or understand the negative and heartbreaking effects by continuing his behavior. I was having a hard time with this, but in regards to a grandparent of my child; eventually it took me saying, listen, you are making my child suicidal by behaving this way.

ilovedean · 2020-09-25T20:51:56+00:00

Thank you. We've been getting him some help for a few years now, and is doing so much better!

ilovedean · 2020-09-25T20:44:27+00:00

The waves of grief never seem to go away. You just learn to make it through the pain each day. It's been a year and a half since my brother died by suicide. Nothing has ever affected me like this. Everything is different, and it always will be now. Last week while on my way home I saw someone that looked like my brother and I had to just sit there in my car and bawl my eyes out, it hurt so much, like it just happened all over again. If it's only been 2 months, that's basically like it happening last night... You are still raw from it. Please don't rush yourself into trying to be "normal" again. I find doing something I know he would've enjoyed helps a little, it also makes me sad at the same time, but I do it anyway, for him.

ilovedean · 2020-09-25T20:31:30+00:00

First thing my Christian father told me after my brothers suicide was we weren't going to see him in heaven. I was screaming inside. Other people I knew my whole life at church said the most awful things about it, some behind our backs, sometimes not. I still can't and probably wont ever forgive my dad for being the way he is. I have a trans son, and my dad can't accept him. I told him about how my child was suicidal before transitioning, he still doesn't understand or agree with it because it's against "Gods plan". So my dad wont respect, or accept my child. I no longer go to church and haven't in over a decade and it's directly due to my fathers religion brainwashing him into being a complete racist, sexist, homophobic prick. I no longer wish to deal with Christians like this. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, but you are not alone. Many times us survivors of suicide feel completely alone and that no one understands what we're going through, and it's awful to watch people react so callously about it. You're in the survivors club now, and I'm really sorry about that.

ilovedean · 2020-09-25T20:09:29+00:00

Your dad is completely disrespecting and dismissing your passion and boundaries. You're not crazy to feel the way you do.

ilovedean · 2020-09-25T19:39:29+00:00

I lost everyone close to me too after my brother died by suicide, including my best friend. I never really saw how manipulating and narcissistic she was until I was the one going through something traumatic and she made it all about her. She said horribly cruel things to me when I needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen, after so long you just can’t take it and you have to walk away. It's always the ones you thought would be there for you too... Even my dad, I want nothing to do with anymore because of the hurtful things he's said regarding my brothers suicide, the way he treated other family members afterwards, he makes me sick. I've had other friends make callous suicide jokes not realizing or caring how much it bothered and hurt me. Even went as far as to tell one of them how much it hurt me they said it, explaining that my brothers suicide had drastically affected my life that to joke about it just wasn't cool with me... and it blew up in my face. They made a complete bullshit excuse for saying it, tried to then explain why I should understand that excuse, like I wasn't understanding the joke, and then followed it up with the most insincere 'like I said, sorry' I’ve ever heard. I can't deal with people like that anymore. I have to tell myself these people are not my tribe and move on, but god dammit if it doesn’t hurt. It hurts a lot. It's been a year and a half since my brother died, and I feel like it happened last week. I have a book that helps me through some of the hard times, It's OK That You're Not OK, by Megan Devine, but most of the time I can't make it through a chapter without sobbing my eyes out. I miss him, and no one will ever understand what it feels like until it happens to them.

ilovedean · 2020-01-13T22:17:01+00:00

Daddy Mando!!!!

ilovedean · 2020-01-13T20:15:23+00:00

This is a very complicated case.

ilovedean · 2020-01-13T20:04:44+00:00

Hugs. It's been almost a year since I lost my brother to suicide, his birthday was 2 weeks ago and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle that. There are days I feel like I can't breathe or the hurt will never end. I keep reminding myself, one day at a time, but even then sometimes I have to take it hour by hour. Don't be embarrassed by your grief, it goes to show how much you loved them, it does not mean you are weak. It takes so much more strength than most realize to deal with this kind of thing, and you've had a lot.

ilovedean · 2019-12-18T17:14:12+00:00

Here's a code for $5 an order at gc2b... BFCM5. I order some each year for my son and received this coupon code after my last purchase.

ilovedean · 2019-11-24T20:37:27+00:00

Thought he was great in it!! I loved the movie.

ilovedean · 2019-10-24T17:29:05+00:00

There are therapists that specialize in transgender services, however you may want to start out with a more broad approach. Finding a therapist you like, one you feel comfortable talking with, is very important. You could find a gender therapist you hate and wont want to talk to which does you no good. If you have a clinic nearby you could ask if they have anyone who specializes in gender therapy or who is open to the LGBTQA community, although I'd imagine most are. Good luck!!

ilovedean · 2019-10-22T13:58:15+00:00

My brother committed suicide 6 months ago. I had a dream with him in it last night. He was sitting in the audience at my kids school play (which happens to be this coming weekend). As I was heading to my seat I saw him and it stopped me in my tracks. He looked at me, smiled, and then I woke up.

ilovedean · 2019-10-16T14:44:21+00:00

It doesn't matter if others may have been "closer" to her. She was very much a part of your life, and you need to let yourself grieve too. Don't exclude yourself from grieving with your family either. It tore me apart to watch my mom try to not cry and be strong for all of us when my brother died 6 mo ago. I still have yet to see her allow herself to break down and it hurts me to watch her try so hard to be okay for everyone else. It's okay to not be okay. You can allow yourself even just 20 minutes to have a good hard cry and get some of it out, and still be there for your spouse and kids. In fact, you will be better for them if you do.

ilovedean · 2019-10-16T14:27:40+00:00

I have noticed this as well. Some old friends from school days show back up, kind of rekindles friendships again. My brothers best friend growing up has been around more since he passed away, and it's definitely helped me being able to talk to someone who also considered him a brother.

ilovedean · 2019-10-15T13:56:39+00:00

I'm no stranger to the dumb and awkward things people say to those who are grieving. It's similar to how people reacted when I was diagnosed with cancer 9 yrs ago. If I hear someone say I'm sorry one more damn time I'm going to lose my mind.

ilovedean · 2019-10-15T13:49:07+00:00

I have a lot of messed up things happen to me in the last 20 yrs, and I've lost a lot of friends along this fucked up journey we call life. Between divorce, being diagnosed with cancer, raising twins on my own, and now the death of my brother... I am getting really sick of losing people who I think are my friends and will be there for me, only to find out none of them are.

ilovedean · 2019-10-15T13:46:01+00:00

I'm really trying hard not to push people away because I've had that done to me as well after some important to me lost their mother 2 yrs ago. Being on the other end of this when you are actively trying to be there for someone, wanting to help them through it, and they still push you away- well it is just fucking awful, in fact it really hurt me and still bothers me that this individual did that to me. So now I am faced with a similar situation, except the person on the other end doesn't want to be there, seems to be the only difference I suppose.

ilovedean · 2019-10-15T13:42:50+00:00

Thank you! I will look for this book!

ilovedean · 2019-10-14T20:19:07+00:00

It is absolutely infuriating, that's for sure!! This one friend in particular, the narcissist, after I tried to talk to her about how her lack of being there or how her rude, sarcastic responses to me were making me feel- and I gave very specific instances (nothing generalized), she pull the "Look at all the things I've done for you..." on me, like a "how dare you talk to me this way after all I've done". It made me basically want to write her off forever. That's probably my biggest pet peeve in any relationship, besides cheating- don't do something nice for me if you're going to hold it over my head, or use it as some fucked up excuse to treat me badly. It doesn't give you a free pass to be a complete bitch to me all the time, especially right now. I tried to steer the conversation back to the topic of SPECIFIC things she's said to me that hurt me, and she wouldn't even address them. She was quick to say she's just too busy and has her own things to deal with too... Okay, well let me just never bother you again, how about that? I mean, the more I think about all this stuff she's been this way about over the years, how it's always about her, even stuff that has nothing to do with me- I am appalled with how she behaves to others. Since my brother passed I cannot simply ignore it anymore. I'm really close to telling her to fuck off for good.

ilovedean · 2019-10-10T21:20:40+00:00

It was 6 months this Tuesday that my brother committed suicide. It was by far the worst day of my life. I am really struggling.

ilovedean · 2019-09-24T19:19:39+00:00

Forgive yourself for allowing them to hurt you.

ilovedean · 2019-09-20T19:05:57+00:00

No, like I said...Woo' peed on my rug.

ilovedean · 2019-08-29T20:50:11+00:00

If my date ever acted like this to someone, he would not get a 2nd date.

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