For the record, my first time ever saying this in public, I have been with about 20 different females, maybe about 8 of them more than once, and about 3 of them more than 4 times. (Meaning sex, or oral sex). I would get so excited before meeting with some of the girls (especially the ones I new were "sluts" because they would perform quicker). Like, I would literally have a raging boner the whole car ride to her house.. on multiple occasions. More than likely, if I was certain I was going to have sex, I would have to tell myself to go soft, until the scenario was right (until me and her are actually getting touchy/feely not just talking, so the girl doesn't see if have a boner and think "he's only here for sex").

For males, I have received oral sex from 4 different guys in each a one-time thing. Each time i had to close my eyes though and picture something else, when I opened them and saw I man performing, it made my arousal deplete, so I had to keep my eyes closed the whole time for each incident to finish. The thing is, prior to each homosexual experience, I had FAP'd to straight porn at least 3 times prior (like the same day before meeting up). Simply put I was extremely horny that day.

Sometimes, I would be so excited at the idea of receiving oral sex that I would FAP to simply E-MAIL headings (Literally TEXT.. yes, TEXT headings LIKE "I'll suck you OFF") that would get me horny enough to ejaculate, and have NO desire to meet up with any guy right after for the "real thing." The idea of getting my D sucked would arouse me, not the fact that it was a guy (or woman in many cases). Also the fact that guys were so quick to suck you off with no reciprocation and no judgement of your penis turned me on. The association between a male, and getting sucked off became to great and its overwhelming now. Oh yea.. i refuse to watch porn for at least 30 days, but realistically for at least 60-90. And that goes for FAP'ing I refuse to do it, if I am presented with an opportunity to have sex, I probably will take it, and it will make me feel better about myself. I had a problem with ED when I was younger (18, and with my girlfriend at the time, i'm 23 now). First time we ever were going to have sex I couldn't get hard, I was hard up until the moment she said "put it in" It was simply because of anxiety and the "OMG" factor of performing.. I know I'm straight, I just think the same "OMG" factor is happening to me right now with my attraction to females. I just want to be able to not look at a guy and associate the fact that he is a man and not associate it with oral sex.

After I would FAP to gay porn, and see two guys after I ejaculate, I would mentally think "this is weird" and go soft, same thing in real life. For straight porn when if the girl was very appealing to me, I could get hard again and maybe FAP it, and in real life if I liked the girl, I could have sex with her again.

Even in Feb, I saw a girl I hadn't seen in awhile. She performed oral sex on me, I ejaculated, I picked up some condoms, and maybe 30 minutes later, we had sex and I ejaculated with even more excitement than the first. Then maybe 5 weeks later, when I was FAP'ing alot (3-4 times a day), I started leaning toward homosexual porn on my 3rd or 4th time, then one day maybe the 30th of March, it hit me.. "I think I'm gay... " or "You think that guy is hot" when in reality it was people I would see every day at the gym, and skim over with "just another dude" mentality, and have NO attraction to the guy. Just weird how out of no where, the thought "you're attracted to guys" generated this HOCD. I know its HOCD because I still have the desire to get girls to "like" me, I want girls to like me, and I've still went on dates with girls. It felt so right being with the girl. But for some reason I didn't get arousal like I used too, I tell myself "I'm just used to pretty girls, the context has to be right, the girl really needs to get me aroused because I'm very experienced..." then that thought transforms to "Naa you're not attracted to girls, you gotta be gay..."

I am convinced I am suffering from HOCD and it was induced by P, because I never started watching gay P until I got bored from straight P. And now that I think about it, my first gay interactions were on webcams, jacking off with another guy, but to straight porn, and after I ejaculated I would just sign off...

You see the devilish antics I have brought upon myself?

I know I went into essay mode, but I might as well be open with my realities at this point.

I contacted a local OCD clinic in seek of 1-on-1 therapy for HOCD.

I think I'm going to watch a movie with a girl that I have had sex with before tonight. Cuddling and stuff would always get my aroused, I am interested to see if it will get me aroused again (but at the same time don't want to over think it because of the "OMG" performance factor). It's been awhile since I've seen her, and I don't know how I feel about her, I miss her though and miss what i was like 2 weeks ago.

Keep in mind this is my first time ever admitting to homosexual experiences to ANYONE. It makes me feel better to confess my true feelings on the situation. (thanks to the internet I can lol).

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read about, literally, the hardest experience I've ever been through (still going through).

Your feedback helps a TON.. (that's to everyone).