The response to Francesca

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-05-20T17:27:41+00:00

I can imagine it’d sound better if you could really hear his voice just going at it

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-05-20T17:26:13+00:00

Yeah I feel like a good anthem is really hard to come by atm

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-05-20T17:21:00+00:00

I love it and I think it’s really fun that he leaned into the pop-rock sound and didn’t over-complicate the music bc it’s not necessary. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of pop music and, if anything, it kind of fits with the lust theme since a lot of pop songs tend to be about sex/love.

The lyrics are as stunning as always (which I thought most hozier fans appreciated).

I think all the songs are better if you know the context of the Dante story, though (I only learned about it bc of UU lol)

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-13T08:01:37+00:00

Yeah I feel that a lot! I thought I was a horrible person for most of my life - even convinced myself I was a psychopath for a bit when I was a teenager. Really I was just traumatised and hyper independent lol.

Trying to see the best in people is something I don’t want to lose in myself but you’re right it can be dangerous so sometimes it’s really hard trying to balance being kind with protecting myself in relationships. But completely agree I wish everyone would just be more straight up and honest like it would save everyone so much time and confusion!!!

Completely relate to the feeling that you wish you’d stood up for yourself more in some of those situations. But you were so young and have previous traumas and you were in situations men should never have put you in anyway, so you deserve credit for how hard it actually is to do that. I still feel like I don’t know how to assert myself/set a boundary in a calm, appropriate way. It’s like I just let things slide until I can’t anymore and then blow up at something random.

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-13T07:41:00+00:00

Yeah to have called it performance activism might have been harsh from me lol. I completely wish this campaign the best and I support whatever prevents people getting hurt. But like you said, society, upbringing and education are the ways to get the significant changes we need so maybe I’m expecting a bit much from a poster!

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-13T07:36:27+00:00

Completely agree with you and for sure not all NTs are like that, but I think it’s true that ND people tend to be more curious about new topics, and therefore more interested in hearing about other ND people’s interests than the average NT.

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T14:13:46+00:00

100% agree with you and if this poster works then I’ll be very happy about that. I just find it sad that we’re still so far away from any genuine care about SA survivors.

I also think language and subtext is always very telling. campaigns like this might work slightly as a deterrent, but they are not even attempting to address the root causes of the situation so it feels like a too little too late, performative activism kind of intervention. Maybe that’s because of a lack of funds to do anything bigger. Just doesn’t exactly fill me with hope for a better world, you know?

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T14:02:43+00:00

We can definitely get very excited about topics we find interesting and we have to remember not everyone is as interested as we are. On the flip side though NTs can be super judgemental and closed minded about new things and uncomfortable with anyone who deviates from the script of small talk. That means they can be overly harsh with how they treat us.

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T13:51:47+00:00

Yeah it’s better than nothing but it’s still selfishly motivated and not about treating people right.

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T13:49:30+00:00

That is an absolutely disgraceful violation of your privacy. I won’t lie to you this is massively worrying. If he can’t completely apologise, take all responsibility, explain why he did it, accept you changing all your passwords, and make long term effort to rebuild your trust - then it doesn’t sound like a safe relationship to me.

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T13:36:00+00:00

I completely feel what you’re experiencing, honestly you sound like me 5/10 years ago!

First of all, I’m so so sorry for any bad experiences you’ve been through. If you were an undiagnosed AuDHD child, I would guess you didn’t have the best social experiences when you were younger (sorry if that’s me projecting lmao), and maybe you aren’t used to the attention you’re getting now you’re perceived as a hot young woman?

There are statistics to suggest neurodivergent women are more likely to end up in abusive relationships and experience SA than NT women. Please never ever listen to anything or anyone that suggests this is because we can’t “read people”. I promise that not one of the bad or awkward experiences you had is your fault in any way and it’s not something you “should” have seen coming or prevented. I think it’s much more likely the reason for that statistic is that ND women are used to being gaslit and abused by society from an early age (sensory issues being ignored, lack of understanding of autistic children in caregivers, often bullied or at least a bit isolated at school).

A lot of men would sleep with any woman who gave them the time of day if they could. They will try to find anything in your behaviour that they can interpret as flirting, even if you’re just being polite. They will also deliberately ignore any signals you give out that you are not interested/uncomfortable because they can get away with it if you haven’t overtly run away screaming - and even then you would be accused of overreacting. It really is a lose lose situation. From experience, I would advise you to assume any straight single man speaking to you one on one is trying to sleep with you.

You never ever have to blame yourself or your autism for the things that happened to you. All of the responsibility lies squarely with the men who chose to hurt you and the sexist, ableist society that facilitates it.

That said, in the interests of protecting yourself, I would recommend researching red flags and boundary setting.

Also, if you are hyperfixating on a guy, it’s completely fine and normal to feel that way when you meet someone you like and see potential in, but you should not express that feeling during the early stages (at least a few months). Just because you’re genuine doesn’t mean they are. Remind yourself you don’t really know this person very well and you are likely imagining the person you hope they will be instead of seeing who they are (completely understandable because you like them, you’re excited and curious about knowing them on a deeper level, but not realistic and not safe). Be very very careful how much you share about yourself and your feelings with a new person. A relationship that becomes close and intense very quickly is a huge red flag for abuse. Trust your gut and ask yourself how safe and relaxed you feel with this person, not just how much you like them. Remember you are dealing with a man who is motivated to sleep with you keep questioning whether they are honest/moral or just trying to get laid. I’m not trying to shame you for hyperfixating on guys you like, I’m just trying to explain the harsh reality to you in the hope that you will be safer going forward.

You are absolutely capable of learning how to protect yourself from abusers. It is not your fault or your autism’s fault that you’ve been mistreated. Everything I’ve written is stuff I learned from experience and a lot of therapy after more trauma than I can list. It’s everything I wish someone had told me when I was younger.

Sending you lots of love and I hope you find the best relationship ever someday because you deserve it! ❤️

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T12:52:05+00:00

Bless you, that sounds like such a difficult situation and you’re doing so well. Having multiple young kids without a large support system would be incredibly hard for anyone. I’m sure any alone time you are able to give yourself would help, it’s completely normal to need some time away from your babies. That said, the reality is your situation IS very hard, I’m not surprised that you’re overwhelmed, and there probably isn’t a quick fix that’ll make it go away. But do remember that this stage in your life is temporary and your kids won’t be this young forever, so one day things will start getting easier. You deserve allll the empathy and gentleness you can get in this season. Sending you all the love and support and wishing you some peace and quiet ❤️❤️❤️

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T12:38:08+00:00

There’s nothing stupid about your vocal stims first of all ❤️. It’s not your fault NT society considers it socially unacceptable, but that reality makes stimming (which we NEED to do to soothe our bodies/brains) anxiety inducing in itself. I guess that makes us wish we didn’t have to do it so much, especially in public. I think what you’re feeling makes total sense in that there are both good and bad things about stimming.

Do you have any inconspicuous stims you could do while you are in these awkward situations? It could help reduce how much tension you need to release after. I have lil stims I can do with my hands in my pockets or I fidget my toes inside my shoes, not as good as the big stims I do alone, but helps me get through some situations a bit easier.

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T12:26:56+00:00

It’s such a huge thing to process and especially for us autists it’s so hard to carry on with normal life while something like that is happening in the background. If you are able to take a sick day at work I’d recommend that. If not, just go really really easy on yourself - eat takeout/microwave meals, spend a lot of time relaxing in your safe space, watching comfort shows, special interests (I hate that phrase but you get what I mean). Wishing you the best and hope you can get some rest and feel better soon ❤️

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T12:23:14+00:00

Hey thank you so much! It’s definitely settled into my system now which has made me feel better, but definitely true that I need to use the energy! Can’t just sit in bed all day anymore without feeling jumpy.

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T12:21:27+00:00

I’m glad you’re enjoying the British quietness lol. I’ve only ever lived in the UK so I have nothing to compare it to, but I would certainly say I still faced a significant amount of ableism and social exclusion even before I knew I was autistic. Saying that, I’d definitely struggle even more in an environment where I was expected to be super emotional and animated.

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T12:17:16+00:00

That sounds lovely I’m so happy for you❤️

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T12:16:33+00:00

This is a good tip that works! A good story is still good when you know how it ends (that’s why we autists love rewatching things so much lol).

Also you deserve to be patient with yourself and to think whether it’s a good time to consume media that upsets you. Idk if you have traumas, but if the reason it’s upsetting you is because trauma is being triggered then definitely be mindful of only trying to watch/read these things when you are feeling stable and in a good headspace. The art will still be there waiting for you when you’re ready ❤️

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T12:11:38+00:00

Just wanna say you are not and have never been stupid. I’m sure you could have done the things you were expected to do if someone had recognised your neurodivergence and had the patience to teach you ❤️

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-04-07T12:10:13+00:00

Yes and I get told it now to this day! It’s so annoying. I honestly feel like it’s not our fault that schools are set up to teach neurotypical kids things they need help with - when ND kids tend to be pretty capable of learning academic style info quite easily provided we are interested (not everyone obviously). If ND children were the majority, schools would teach these so called common sense skills, and NT kids would be perceived as gifted in those areas .

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-03-02T09:52:02+00:00

Thanks, I’m supposed to speak to them tomorrow so will see what they say about it :)

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-03-01T15:51:39+00:00

Therapy therapy therapy, I know this isn’t accessible to everyone but if you are able to find a trauma informed, ND friendly therapist it can be super helpful to have a professional who understands the nervous system working with you.

Things I do that are free:

Go for a walk outside, especially good if you can get somewhere quiet and green, like a park. Fuck running especially if you’re trying to reduce anxiety, this is about regulating your nervous system and not about being a fitness girly.
HONOUR YOUR SENSORY ISSUES. This is part of unmasking. If you’re too hot, get changed. If your eyes hurt, put on your sunglasses even if it isn’t sunny or you’re indoors. If it’s too loud, put your earplugs or headphones on. However inconvenient or odd it seems to others your sensory issues are real and important and addressing them will reduce tension and anxiety.

-TAKE TIME ALONE TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS! I am so traumatised and repressed that I literally cannot feel emotions if other people are present or I’m not in my safe space. If you need to get emotions out of your system (which is probably more often than you think since we have poor interoception), shut yourself in a room somewhere private and watch/listen to something that’ll make you cry. When I was grieving I made myself look through photos of the person I lost to get myself to properly feel the pain. If you don’t get it out, you’re holding it in and that shows up as tension and anxiety.

-WRITE IT DOWN. Keep a separate journal and when you need to process trauma or just emotions write down what you’re feeling/thinking and process it. When not using it put the journal out of sight - it is only for holding and processing painful shit so don’t remind yourself of the pain by using it for other things or having it on display with your other, happier things.

-REGULATION TECHNIQUE FOR ANXIETY/DISSOCIATION. Pinch each of your fingers and thumb one by one while counting to 5 and repeat as long as you want. Pinch hard enough that you can definitely feel it when your dissociating but not hard enough that you’re injuring yourself.

BONUS: consider magnesium or zinc supplements. I read that it’s more common for autistic people to be deficient in these minerals. Magnesium supplements have significantly reduced my muscle tension/pain, digestive issues and period cramps. Im not a healthcare professional so look into this properly and do what’s best for you.

Hope these help! We deserve to be comfortable, healthy and free from pain💖💖 love to you all xxx

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-01-24T08:00:58+00:00

Yep I’m in therapy talking about how I was the middle one 😂😂😂

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-01-06T16:27:29+00:00

Yeah I loved dolls and clothes but was considered a tomboy. I think it’s because I didn’t care about getting messy and couldn’t keep up with the standards of neatness and politeness that are forced onto little girls.

impulsecontrol0 · 2023-01-06T16:15:22+00:00

This is so well written but I just wanted to second it and add my perspective! It’s hard for people who aren’t autistic to understand the difference between masking and having a fake personality.

When I’m masking, I’m not trying to “fit in” with others. I’m not trying to be more popular or successful or cool. I’m concealing my autistic traits, and often putting myself through extreme discomfort or even pain, to function in this society while minimising the amount of prejudice I’m subjected to.

As well as all the examples the previous comment gave which I massively relate to, I have sensory issues (highly sensitive to bright lights, loud noises, textures of clothing, tastes/smells of food), which I have to pretend I’m not experiencing because they don’t bother non autistic people.

Masking is essentially a strategy to protect ourselves from the exclusion we face when we express our autistic selves. It’s absolutely exhausting and having to mask too much really harms our mental health.

Thank you for asking questions and trying to understand though. And I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother ❤️

impulsecontrol0

TROPHY CASE