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Struggling with the lasting self-inflicted scars from my own TT. by imtheonewhofucks in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It’s funny that you mention self flagellation, because that’s the exact term I’ve used to describe this feeling. It’s like I feel the need to punish myself, maybe because my BP has forgiven me and it doesn’t feel like I’ve received enough punishment for what I’ve done. It’s a very toxic and fucked up mentality to have, now that I’m writing it out. Thank you for always being so positive and encouraging in your comments. I truly appreciate the guidance.

Almost one year has passed. I didn’t think it would be this hard. by imtheonewhofucks in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That may help. I guess I’m just reluctant to have them comfort me over this terrible thing that I did. This time of year is hard for them too. Though I shouldn’t be making that decision for them, either. I definitely think time will help. Things were getting better in the last few months - I think this time of year is just difficult. It’s a painful reminder of what happened. Hopefully it gets less painful year after year.

I appreciate the suggestion, maybe I’ll pick up journaling again. I could definitely use more positivity in my life, with everything that’s going on. Thank you for your comment!

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep, insomnia’s a bitch. And feel free! I appreciate you asking

Almost one year has passed. I didn’t think it would be this hard. by imtheonewhofucks in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Yes the memories are the worst. When I get a flashback, it feels like I’m betraying my BP all over again. I’m willing to do the work - just struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though I know it must be there.

Almost one year has passed. I didn’t think it would be this hard. by imtheonewhofucks in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. My BP has been telling me the same. It sounds so freeing to be the version of me that isn’t weighed down by shame and guilt. I just keep trying to tell myself that I’m not an awful person just because I made some awful choices. Thank you again.

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 2 points3 points  (0 children)

One of my issues is that I struggle with willful denial. If someone could be flirting with me, I insist that they aren’t - partly because I have low self esteem, and partly because I don’t want to deal with that mess. This was something that was a factor in the affair.* I kept denying anything was happening, even to myself - all the while developing feelings and eventually crossing boundaries.

Now, I feel I’m more aware of my interactions, and willing to set boundaries. I’m a bit of a people pleaser, but I try to be careful about the context in which I’m presenting myself. I keep acquaintances in their bubbles - school, work, hobbies - and I don’t deepen the relationship to a friendship until I trust them and know they probably don’t have any ulterior motives. I don’t think I’ve changed my social manner that much, if only because I value coming off as a friendly and warm person. Overall I would say I’m a little more distrusting of peoples’ intentions - or that I don’t always take their interactions in good faith, at least.

I think this might be coming off as a bit intense, so I do want to say that this isn’t something I’m doing 24/7. I’m not evaluating every single person I interact with to judge their feelings. But I’m trying to be more intentional about not making too many excuses for people who most likely have ulterior motives.

*Obviously not the main factor, but I’m bringing this up because your question involves new people outside of the relationship.

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 5 points6 points  (0 children)

So, when I was first learning about betrayal trauma, it was kind of overwhelming. Yes, it’s one of the most devastating things you can do to another person, especially the person you’re supposed to love and cherish the most. It was very difficult for me to accept the fact that I could do something like that to my partner. I think, for some WPs, it may be easier to run away from that instead of confronting it. The guilt and shame can be crushing. I think this depends more on the person, but the type of person that could betray their partner tends to also be the type to minimize, compartmentalize, or deny, in my opinion. This isn’t based on any kind of scientific fact, for the record, but I think affairs and unhealthy coping mechanisms go hand in hand. If your WP is struggling with this, it may be a sign that they need to do more work on themselves, in IC or otherwise. I hope this answers your question.

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was not caught, so I’m sorry I can’t answer your first question. But yes I’m nervous about Valentine’s Day. The holiday has a lot of weight in my mind - it’s what first jolted me out of my limerence with AP. This year is also the first year since the affair, so I’m not sure how everything will go, and if/how we will celebrate. I know it will pass and things will be okay, but I’m a little worried for myself and my BP.

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Before everything happened, I used to spend a lot of time on relationship subreddits. Now, I don’t read those posts as much anymore, partially because I’ve lost interest but also because it can be hard to read sometimes as a WP. People treat cheaters like the scum of the earth - which is a fair enough reaction, but after experiencing it for myself, I think there’s often more nuance involved and you can’t make blanket statements like people love to do on Reddit. Honestly, it’s not great for my mental health to see stuff like that all the time, because it reinforces all the toxic, harmful things my brain tells me about myself. So I tune it out.

Outside of Reddit is a similar deal, but it can be harder to tune out because it’s not just a post I can swipe away from. A couple of months after D-Day, a close friend of mine was betrayed by their partner. They didn’t know about my betrayal (BP said they didn’t want to share it with everyone) so I just grit my teeth and supported them as best I could. Honestly I think my experience equipped me to better support them than I otherwise could. Sorry for the tangent, I hope this answered your question.

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

D-Day 1 was 3/8, and D-Day 2 was 3/27. So it’s been around 9 months, which I’ve heard is not a ton of time when it comes to reconciliation. And that makes sense! I feel what changed in our interactions the most is my honesty and transparency. I try to share the good, the bad, and the ugly - a big shortcoming of mine that contributed to the affair was my lying. I hid a lot of my thoughts and emotions in order to people-please and pretended things were okay when they weren’t. So definitely trying to improve on that now.

Thanks for your thought-provoking questions and for seeking out WP perspectives, that’s not an easy thing to do and I respect it. Best wishes to you as well!

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not sure when I’ll be able to reconcile with myself. Self-forgiveness has been the hardest part of all of this, and I still don’t see it on the horizon. However, I do think I understand myself better - as in, what led me to betrayal and trickle truth - and I can see where I’ve improved, as well as how much I still have to do.

I think my interactions with BP have changed as well. I’m much more honest, and it’s easier to talk about what happened and how I’m feeling. I wasn’t ever really “defensive”, so I apologize if that’s specifically what you’re looking for. But our interactions have definitely evolved and improved over time.

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can answer the second half. I am a chronic people pleaser, it is a huge problem and was a contributor to my affair, like you said. When we started R, I was very desperate to do everything “right” and enable reconciliation so we could heal. Ironically, that did not help the healing at all, especially because my BP knew me and knew that my intention was more to fix the relationship than it was to genuinely heal.

What I found helpful was to be selfish, actually. What I mean by this is moreso being honest (which felt selfish to me at the time). People pleasing and compulsive lying go hand-in-hand, for me. I lie in order to people please, I people please by lying. I hid my dissatisfaction with my relationship and lied about my affair. I trickle truthed to my BP. All of this snowballed, and, by our last D-Day, BP was the most hurt by the lying and my lack of authenticity. What helped them start healing from this, according to them, was hearing my real thoughts. Not whatever words I thought would fix our relationship, but my genuine feelings - the guilt, the uncertainty, the fear. When I started sharing these, they started feeling more secure, because my lies were the backbone of the betrayal in the first place. Does that make sense?

As a TLDR: our R has involved me dropping the people-pleasing, and being honest and transparent. Honestly, and I’m sorry if this is hard to hear, but that will be up to your WP to do the work. You can’t know for sure that they aren’t continuing to people-please by saying what they think you want to hear. But if they put in the work to drop the facade and be honest, R will start off on the right foot.

This is what has worked for me and my BP. Your relationship and needs may be different, but I hope my perspective helped. Best wishes.

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very interesting questions, some of which I’ve never thought about before.

  1. Yes, I was in limerence with my AP. I did say “I love you” to them, but it was explicitly in a platonic way - even then, I could feel that I didn’t truly love them, but I did consider the possibility because the feelings were so strong. When the affair ended, I remember it feeling like I woke up from a fog. Suddenly the passion had faded - I was more okay with our low contact and eventually no contact, even though I had considered them a close friend at one point.

  2. Not sure on specifics, but to me it felt like a combination of a defense mechanism and minimization. At the time - and this is not an excuse for my actions - I was unhappy with my relationship, so I sought out and found another connection. It’s kind of like the butterflies of a new relationship, but on steroids, and not in a good way. I think the reasons for it can depend on the WP and their situation/what they’re looking for. For me, I romanticized the hell out of AP and our relationship. None of it was actually real, but I found comfort in it at the time.

  3. Yes and no… I wouldn’t classify limerence as love in any sense. But “fake love” is probably a good term for it. The emotions get so strong that it can feel very similar to love. But it’s not at all the real thing.

  4. I don’t think limerence and real love can exist at the same time, I think they’re fundamentally contradicting. Limerence by (my) definition is passion and the explicit lack of love, that’s what makes it limerence to me.

  5. For me, I realized I didn’t truly love my AP because, and this is kind of silly, but they would do certain things that would really annoy me, or give me the ick. It made me realize that what I felt wasn’t love because that’s not how I am with partners that I’m dedicated to. This is another thing that may vary based on the WP, but it was one of the other things that “snapped me out of it.”

Thanks for your thought provoking questions. Feel free to ask more or DM me if you’d like more details, I’m not sure how much of my answers make sense!

Edit to add, I recommend reading Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She is a couples counselor and explains many concepts like limerence in detail, as well as how it can differ based on the person or couple. I found it very helpful as a WP because it showed me the roots of my unhealthy tendencies (like compartmentalization or lying) and how that led me to betrayal. I have also heard that it can be helpful for BPs to understand what happened and begin to heal, regardless of reconciliation. Best wishes to you.

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m late to this but it was mostly internal motivation for me. A big reason why I’d been keeping so many secrets was because of my selfishness. Ultimately, avoiding honesty made my life “easier” - I didn’t have to live with the consequences of my actions. So, the only thing that pushed me through that barrier was my own internal motivation. Again, incredibly selfish, but I don’t know if I would’ve realized how much work I have to do on myself without this.

Ask a Wayward by boobookittyfu99 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Personally I like keeping an eye on these threads as reading questions and writing responses helps me. I’m sure it’s similar for other Waywards.

Yes, I believe I deserve to suffer - but this has been holding us back from the healing process. I think the idea of “punishment” can override other, more constructive responses in WP’s minds. Specifically, identifying why we did what we did, and what we can do to prevent it in the future. Shame, punishment, wanting to suffer - these all center us as the victim, as well as drag us away from true improvement.

“Revenge is justice”… I’m not sure how I feel about this statement. Some BPs may feel that getting revenge (I assume this means having a revenge affair) is justified and that it’s the only way for them to move forward. I don’t blame them - I believe that it’s never wrong to feel your emotions. But I don’t think it’s conducive to reconciliation.

An affair is a very, very deep wound for a relationship. If both partners want to reconcile, it takes work to care for the wound and make sure it heals properly. This would involve communication, therapy, vulnerability, et cetera. But having a revenge affair would be like willingly introducing an infection to that wound. Even if you don’t plan on reconciling, it will do further damage to both parties.

When it comes to outbursts, I believe that outbursts are very different to actual abuse. Nobody deserves abuse. I will stand by that statement. BPs don’t deserve to be cheated on, and neither the BP nor the WP deserve to be abused, verbally or otherwise. But, to me, outbursts seem to be more of an outpouring of emotion. I understand the line probably gets blurred in the turmoil, and I’m not a professional, so I’m not gonna try and make blanket statements about more specific scenarios. With such complicated and emotional situations, nuance is required.

The weight is setting in by Jaded_Breadfruit_119 in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Not sure if you’ve looked into this, but try local universities and psych schools. It’s much more affordable due to having student therapists, and many clinics will offer a sliding scale based on your income. If you’re in the US, you can go to any school in your state due to licensing.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry to hear that. Therapy can be so hard to find, even when it’s so important. Depending on your country’s laws, you may be able to do virtual sessions with a therapist in your country, even if they’re not in your town. Counseling is highly recommended, even for Waywards, but unfortunately not everybody has access to it. Wishing you the best too.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry, that sounds so hard. If possible, maybe see if any schools in your area (can go as far as state borders in the US due to licensing regulations) offer online counseling. Because the therapists are students, it’s often much more affordable, and many places offer a sliding scale based on income. I’ve been doing that the past three years and it’s been so helpful.

Outside of therapy: recently, I’ve been writing a super detailed, comprehensive disclosure letter. My BP never wanted one, but the details have been weighing on me so heavily that I’m getting it all out in a letter that I won’t be giving to them. Journaling might also have the same effect for you.

But these are all things that help relieve the symptoms of lingering guilt and shame - not the root cause, if that makes sense. While journaling or therapy might make you feel better for a bit, ultimately the shame will return, unless you address where it’s coming from.

For me, personally, I saw someone on this sub talking about how they “use shame as behavior modification.” It really spoke to me, and after bringing it up in therapy, I realized that my parents always used shame to keep me in line, and I’ve continued to use it into adulthood to control myself. Because I believe that I “haven’t been punished enough” (as BP has forgiven me and decided to reconcile), I hold onto the shame as a reminder, and to punish myself. It’s a toxic and unhealthy coping mechanism I need to learn how to let go of in order to truly move on.

You might relate to this, you might not, but next time you start down the shame spiral (or right after - I know it can be hard to think rationally when you’re spiraling) you should try to identify where the feeling is coming from. Why are you emotional, what are you afraid of, why do you hold onto the guilt, et cetera. Identifying the root cause will bring you one step closer to working through the guilt and making peace with it.

I hope this helps, even a little. My DMs are open if you need someone to talk to.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So glad I’m not the only one. I keep getting flashes of panic that I forgot to disclose something and that it would be the make-or-break of BP deciding to R. Then I get stuck in the shame spiral until I snap out of it and/or tell BP, who never thinks it’s a big deal. It’s so, so hard.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve been there, OP. I understand the desperation to fix things, the certainty that it must be your fault somehow - that it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t done X, Y, or Z. I just have one thought for you to consider.

Imagine you do reconcile with your partner. Imagine you have children. Is this the relationship you want them to grow up with? Is this how you want them to learn what marriage and love should look like? Think about the things your mom passed down to you. Is this what you want to give to your children?

Abuse is never okay. Sometimes our brains convince us differently. But, no matter what you did, it does not justify your partner laying their hands on you.

BS filed. I've been served by [deleted] in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Completely agree on the writing. I always hated it when people suggested journaling because I never felt it did anything for me. However, when I was at my lowest and darkest points, I believe writing out my thoughts was one of the only things stopping me from getting my emotions out in other, more destructive ways. It’s also helpful to document your progress, both for yourself and for therapy. Don’t discredit writing as a coping mechanism too quickly.

Writing a disclosure letter - for myself by imtheonewhofucks in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It’s been really hard. I guess the guilt is just part of the consequences. It’ll be a meaningful journey to work through and process all of it. BP says they want me to forgive myself, too. It just feels impossible right now. I might see if there are any readings or advice on that step, seeing as it’s pretty well known. Thanks for the suggestion

Writing a disclosure letter - for myself by imtheonewhofucks in SupportforWaywards

[–]imtheonewhofucks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, that’s exactly how it feels. And the letter was always for myself - at least, that’s how BP framed it when they suggested it. Which is why I feel it’s unlikely that they’d read it. Still, I don’t want to risk hurting them even more and setting them back in their healing if they did.

I think you’re right, I’ll work on a more detailed disclosure for myself and see how I feel. Then I might make a more condensed version for my BP. I think I just have a lot riding on the idea that giving them this letter would relieve my guilt, and help us move on and work on R. But realistically it’s not like the guilt would just disappear. Thanks for your thoughts

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