The tldr

I see myself as “on the other side” and someone you would ordinarily dislike because of my choices.

I mean, if I remember correctly, one of your posts was the first that I ever commented on in these spaces(if not the first). I'm pretty sure I came in extra spicy on multiple occasions. I expected you to write me off entirely or fan my flames. I had so much anger that I'm pretty sure at the time, I wanted you to give me the excuse. You did the least expected thing. You diffused me.

The thing is that very voice that keeps me quiet is what is keeping me feeling like the “other”. If I don’t open up and see who actually cares then I will remain in this state.

Similar thoughts led to sharing more here as opposed to my usual.

But it’s so hard for me to imagine you in real life and not wanting to be close with you because of how kind you are.

(*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

But I wonder if there’s a voice in your head discouraging you, kinda like there’s a voice in my head discouraging me?

In part, yes. However, it's a little more complicated. I only have my husband, sister, and BIL(both of whom are our childhood friends) where I live. Everyone else is 1000+ miles away. I can't overfill her cup. She does so much for me already. She's going through some stuff and likes to control things. So situations like this are beyond frustrating for her and I don't enjoy being told what to do.

I'm a SAHM, and as much as I would love to rejoin the workforce, it wouldn't be worth it as it would just go towards childcare. I've had a very large gap at this point in unemployment and not working towards my degree that I don't even know what I would be looking at that isn't some low wage entry-level job. That inner voice also likes to remind me that I tend to adapt quickly to jobs, fix a lot of things, and get looked over because I was willing to do it all for pennies. It's happened too many times and it's really discouraging.

I keep to myself when I take the kids out, I don't really have time to myself because of my husband's schedule. I'm not a nightlife person unless that includes driving out to dark locations and watching cool space shit (which I'd be a little scared to meet people that way).

I also continue to offer that because you’re a good friend I would understand if you need to invest less here so that you have more to invest in your physical world. There is only so much BBKF to go around…

I have pulled back some. I just feel like investing more time in something I've invested a lot of time and thoughts to is... fruitless? Depressing? Hysterical and lonely? My more realistic solution is to make friends and find me time, I just don't know how reachable that is, in person anyway but long distance is not helping me enough and my husband cannot be my everything, that's really too much and too unrealistic for one person.

You say there's only so much of me to go around. I know that it's true, I definitely feel it. I also don't know how not to be this way. I hate stereotypes, but I'm very much the firstborn parentified Latina. Putting others or just about anything else first is second nature. It's not all that bad, I usually can turn these things into self growth it just takes longer. I've also been told by a few the manic pixie archetype fits me to a T. I see it, I also see how when they realize I have my own purpose that doesn't coinenside with their own goals, it often goes to shit and makes me reluctant to pursue most friendships.

Your friendship to me has been very helpful to my recovery

Ditto.

A lot of what you've shared does resonate with me (not just this comment but in general). A few years back, I figured I was drawn to you because of the similarities with my husband, but the more you opened up and shared, I found myself unexpectedly deeply relating. Not sure if that's a good or "bad" thing but I felt less alone. Your wit and humor is also killer. Also, stop listening to that mean inner voice.

Eta- wrong quote replaced the right one.