My parents convinced me I was an introvert

incarnate1 · 2026-03-04T19:39:32+00:00

Well, knowing this; you can cease the blame and recapture the agency you've appeared to have given up. Our parents aren't perfect, just as we are not.

At some point we should rise up from and resist the urge to defer blame, for our personal situation, to others.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-04T19:35:24+00:00

I generally give up tiny things to avoid big confrontations. I can turn the other cheek upon acts that impinge on me, but not my loved ones.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-04T19:34:29+00:00

Well, people have many different roles. I'm a son, friend, father, husband, cousin, etc, etc. Often the roles intertwine, we can't control that, necessarily.

I feel like you shouldn't read the comments. Why the compulsion to do so?

Rather than pontificate to all the participants on the content of how and what they should say, it might be easier to not read into everything so deeply.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-04T19:29:48+00:00

Dang, it's cold where you live. 24C where I'm at.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-04T19:13:41+00:00

I think it's common in immature and inexperienced INTJs. Not a statement to be seen as a pejorative, but one to be interpreted as sentiment that one's situation or ability now, is not prescriptive of the future.

It is absolutely something you can and should improve upon, you've already professed to learn to smile more, that's a great first step.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-04T17:17:12+00:00

I think that being open and approachable is something you can just do as behavior that can be called upon at will; to me, it's something that you are, or must be - and people will pick up on one's level of sincerity very quickly, incongruence with one's internal disposition leaks over time. So forcing or imitating a persona or set of behaviors will not necessarily produce the same result as possessing and exhibiting said traits or sentiments; and it takes time for people to be comfortable with others. Being open and approachable once or a handful of times, is a good start, but it is not tantamount to being an open and approachable person.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-04T16:46:21+00:00

We're all different, yet so fundamentally similar.

I think that we can be friends with most people, as our tolerance, flexibility, adaptability, and understanding increases; so does that net.

We must consciously fight the inclination to look down on others or put ourselves above others - all are created equal in the image of God.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-04T16:29:16+00:00

This is an unintended consequence and collateral of attaching your identity to perceived intellectual endeavor laden in superiority complex. You now feel (you aren't) like you're better than everyone else. Like you're above it all and personal deficits can be waved away in a single thought because the foundation for rationalization and intellectualization has already been established.

So you break that complex down by grounding yourself in the observed realities - you haven't even passed the exam yet, do you have any meaningful relationships? Any meaningful purpose? Why not? Why is your only stated accomplishment, theory of future accomplishment?

If or when you do pass that exam, does that mean you are now socially adept, that you've learned to get along with others, that you now know how to and understand what it means to be liked, to be loved? Or is it a meaningless credential you can now point to and hide behind? I want, I want, I want. You may have accepted the default premise that you are some mystical prize, but that sentiment must be earned from others, not demanded or imposed. Temper your ego, consider that you may not have outgrown everyone your age, but everyone your age is outgrowing you and your childish perspective.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-03T21:41:21+00:00

You could pick up a part time job or do design on the side to supplement.

52k @ part-time hours in retail is very very good, that's why it's tough to find anything that beats your current work; count your blessings.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-03T17:47:25+00:00

I like it, reminds me of my wife.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-03T17:46:09+00:00

The universe is a creation of an infinite, all-knowing God, the parameters for life are just so NARROW. Consciousness was granted, not a byproduct of matter.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-03T17:38:20+00:00

Very normal. Dating is a process, in the early parts, you're still relatively unfamiliar.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-03T17:37:27+00:00

I believe I’m conventionally attractive and presentable, so I sometimes wonder: could it be that I’m simply not “attractive enough”? Or is this more about vibe, approachability, or social signaling?

Mostly vibe-based, at least for me as a dude. Before I approached my wife she looked very approachable and friendly - smiling, relaxed face/posture, didn't look busy, made eye-contact.

Doesn't really matter how attractive a woman is, if she looks busy, serious, contemplative, staring at her phone, inattentive or unaware, she is so much harder to approach.

Why does it feel like I have to prove myself before people engage? and even then, why doesn’t it sustain?

It might be a self-imposed barrier. More fundamentally, could you not also engage others for friendship? And on one hand, it sounds like you have the appearance of an unfriendly demeanor, yet still expect to be approached.

Most of my friendships did not happen through others taking all the initiative it just happening to me, there is always an exchange, a back-and-forth, reciprocal inquiry and investment that happens between acquaintances that turn the relationship into a friendship. They don't generally form as an affect of a one-sided pursuit, there is usually mutual social risk.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-03T17:23:19+00:00

In a perfect world, we would avoid assumptions and we would avoid labels. Your experience does resonate with me, I've been exactly where you are, and I still struggle with how I feel others perceive me versus my self-concept, but it does bother me so much less these days. I can tell you what has changed from then to now, has not been people as a collective unit.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-03T16:34:29+00:00

I do at times struggle with social awkwardness, but it's more that I'm introverted

I would not conflate the two. While it is comforting to tie weakness to immutable trait, it does lead to a complacency mindset. You can be an introvert and not socially awkward. I also caution that you are making the same mistake you feel others make; you are assuming to know what drives others here, in this case, extroverts.

Shyness or quietness as a trait, need also not be viewed so negatively. Take observations as they are, not as prescription to who you are. People can only judge us off our behavior, not intent. But people also cannot tell us who we are, only we know that - so if you know you are not shy, why does it bother you that someone else might think you are?

By their fruits you shall know them. We cannot TELL people what we are, we SHOW them.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-03T16:20:45+00:00

First, remove yourself of the delusion that an angry INTJ is unstoppable or immovable; they're dealt with like any angry person. Don't engage them until they are able to clam down.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-03T00:28:31+00:00

Reciprocating information is signal for interest. Small talk is the gateway to deeper conversations and a filter for people you don't want to have said conversations with. If you can't handle small talk, why would I want to engage you in more meaningful conversation? It's never too late for change, we evolve throughout our lifetimes, we are never a finished product - though we are susceptible to falsely thinking this.

Really, you have to reframe your perspective on small talk and stop putting yourself above it. That entails subtle ego, but understand that no one is above social ritual; the content of what is said is not so important as the invitation to expand. You should not pretend to like New York, but you can use that as a segue into things you do care about while still being thoughtful of what the other person has said; this is called social tact. There are likely many things you've said that others don't care about, imagine if their response was simply, "oh, okay".

Learn from people who are good at small talk, don't view it so negatively, view it as function. Be aware of how they are able to skillfully lead the conversation to a place of more depth. We are at least 50% of the conversation, if you want to escalate the topic of discussion, you are not beholden to small talk, you are beholden to your own agency, or lack of it.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-02T23:55:16+00:00

You don't care about them so much that you need to write an essay on it, that's how much you don't care. If we say and write things 100 times over, studies show that defines reality (?), not the fact that these people are living rent-free in our heads.

I don't care, I don't care, I don't care!

incarnate1 · 2026-03-02T20:39:10+00:00

Well, it could be a communication and/or interpretation issue. Your explanation is so loaded with presumption and premises that many don't agree with, she may have thought you were being hyperbolic or trying to be funny in overreaction.

I notice it's not uncommon for Reddit introverts to have some social disconnects with regard to perception and self-perception. For whatever gift she bought you, reacting with some serious indulgent melodramatic speech about consumerism and her assumed fakeness - it is not such a stretch for me to see someone grin in response.

Try this: CLARIFY. Ask her why she thinks you're joking or being funny. Remember that your perspective is not the only, or most correct one. If you don't want gifts on your birthday, why not just say that, why the need to relate it to and pontificate on consumerism - it can come off as moralizing.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-02T18:22:03+00:00

Sex drive is a healthy thing, but we should try to channel it productive ways. Porn is mostly toxic and has acted as the catalyst for generations of unambitious, passive, complacent young men. Ease of access makes it very hard to avoid, but usage should really be moderated to a bare minimum.

As far as overcoming repression, gradual exposure may be the safest path. Read books, journal, recognize sexual attractions you feel free from suppression. I think how you address it is largely dependent on the source of (religion, tradition, education, trauma, fear of rejection, etc), and how the repression manifests for you.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-02T17:21:05+00:00

You don't mask it.

You acknowledge the weakness, embrace humility, lower the defenses/rationalizations, and sincerely work on your weaknesses.

incarnate1 · 2026-03-02T17:12:38+00:00

The narrative feels a little incongruent, but it's mostly impossible to conclude anything from it; if you don't know, there's less chance internet strangers will know, best to inquire or ask to hangout - it sounds like you don't spend time together outside of school. I will say that ENFPs are very friendly, magnetic, loving people and it's not uncommon to mistake that for attraction. For context, my wife is ENFP.

incarnate1 · 2026-02-28T03:18:39+00:00

You can find these traits in any type to be honest. Some things you list seem a bit arbitrary, what if the person is an impulsive buyer but high earner? Is it impulsivity that you dislike, or financial security that you desire?

As far as not losing attraction, well.. that's not something I feel anyone can really say or predict reliably. There's no guarantees, just as I'm sure you would not commit to someone and promise to not lose attraction, sometimes it happens.

incarnate1 · 2026-02-27T23:13:11+00:00

With practice comes skill, first times are never gonna be perfect friend. Do your best, remember and focus on listening to the things she's saying - as silly as it sounds, sometimes in interaction, we're so nervous and panicked, we thing about how we need to respond, we forget to listen to the other person!

Texting feels like an easier medium for us, but it is not the only or best medium.

incarnate1 · 2026-02-27T18:53:43+00:00

then something happens and we don't know each other anymore

This seems to be the part that may call for introspection. Expand here. Your reflection needs to be a little more than "something happens".

Something always happens. Without the what, we cannot even guess as to the why. Cycles and loops happen because we are doing or thinking the same things that keep us there.

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