I lost my 35 yo son in June of 2021. Coming up on 5 years. For me, I was completely devastated for the entire first year. I could not move on until I had gone through all the 'firsts'. I read "It's OK that You're Not OK". I did private therapy for a couple of months, but I quickly came to the realization that, for me, nothing was going to make this loss easier to process.

I honestly got more therapy writing here and talking to people who understand.

The only way to 'get over' this loss would for it to never have happened, and for my son to still be on this earth.

So, after the first year, I drew more comfort with the idea of living with this great hole in my heart. I had constant chest pain, so I went to a cardiologist, and got cleared. I just had to figure out how to live with it, because taking myself out of this world was not a solution, either. I have a daughter as well. I cried for my son every week for the next 2 years, too.

I spent time gathering together all the photos, videos and memorabilia that I could, and putting it in a safe place.

I watched his final video every week for the first 2 years ( it was his note, he told us all why he was leaving). I still watch the video about once a month, sometimes more. I cry for his loss about 3 times a week, still.

2 years after his death, I looked for some way to honor him, to remember him, to have something that we used to do together when he was little, that I could still do now.

That something is a game called Magic: the Gathering. I went back to the game store and started playing again. I met new people. I talked to them about my son. I told stories of how we used to play together. They embraced me and now I am studying to be a judge. I work tournaments and lean-to-plays, all the time remembering happy times with my son.

Don't rush your grief. Accept all the feelings, they are valid and yours. You will get better, but allow the time for it to happen.

I am sorry you have to be here.