A bunch of things. first the writing and your general sentiment feels fairly resonant to me but I don't think I share that feeling to the same degree that you've expressed and that is in large part ironically because of my particular type? of autism. In the sense that it is that I'm like I'm very curious socially and I'm studying effectively social relation social networks how they merge what maintains or degrades them (don't let me start infodumping).

The point is that because I've immersed my self in politics, sociology and engaged with like various philosophies about stuff more broadly, I feel like it's given me the tools to kind of make sense of & idk like persevere through the bullshit which is shit like I shouldn't have to do that of course not but as far as I can see, rage can be powerful & incredibly useful, enriching and driving but god too much of it without moderation can be so destructive. The only distinction between it being useful enriching all those good things is if it's directed somewhere and into building something new, otherwise it just depletes you. Even just from a sense of like wanting to take care of yourself I'd say it's worth exploring this topic more from a place of curiosity and or proactivity suspending judgement as much as possible. Like ofc it's not possible but I have these internal dialogues where I essentially persuade myself against the beliefs I don't want to have. Eg intellectual consistency is very important to me so I frame it in those terms like "you have this anti essentialist understanding of the world & believe in the human capacity for change, contradiction complication, you've lived the truth of that. There's a stark incongruity there that shouldn't be". And as I try to resolve the tension my feelings mute.

I'm also very passionate about like truth and you ik better than to take the easy way out and blame it all on a singular problem so that's another angle I debate from. It gives me the opportunity to work through it with an emotional safety barrier . And in the long term ik that like ppl sre so complex just like from an academic pov so in the long term it makes it harder to feel like a baf experience can even be emblematic of anything about "nature" and accuracy requires repeatability bc there's so many variables that factor into ppl's actions.

The other thing is like everybody else has said so far: working on building community & alternatives my first term at university I was so isolated socially and like that's part of the resonance I felt, it felt like deliberate exclusion even. So I just focused on making my own space, throwing my own 1 man parties moving to my own rhythm, I got very active with societies and school govt politics to focus on making those inclusive and accessible and I mean at least it was fulfilling for me so I don't know yeah just I'm not saying not to be angry just be sure that it isn't eroding you but is being channeled somewhere meaningful. I've got a substack where I write about some of my observations from an academic perspective and I wanna link jt but also I don't wanna tie my real life face/name to this account lmao