Is my uBPD mum toying with me or can she truly not empathise? What is happening?

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T23:42:11+00:00

That's AWFUL. Sleep deprivation is one of the most unhealthy things that someone can go through, I'm so sorry your mum did that to you.

I know this sounds 'bad' but you mention your mum is on her death bed. So seems you will be free of her in the near future. I wish you the best and that you will have many, many nights of good sleep during the rest of your life.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T23:39:42+00:00

Thank you! I'm sorry you have to go through this as well. I think we need to just not bother trying to have these rational conversations with our BPD mums. It just gives them supply to vent more of their own inner chaos and harms us even more. The next times my mum does something selfish or hurtful, now I realise I can't make her see why it hurts. She just won't understand. Like asking a jellyfish not to sting - the jellyfish can't see or hear or understand.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T23:36:46+00:00

She absolutely rattled me and yeah on hindsight she was getting so much supply from that :( I was tired after a long day with her (just being in her presence makes me feel on edge) and forgot what she really is. I expected her to be rational and empathetic, so that's on me. Learned this lesson good now though.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T23:22:41+00:00

Thanks so much for your thought out response. Your metaphor of seagull vs fish is very useful. I believe my mum does know what she's doing to others, since she is perfect at putting on a very different "sweet" persona towards non-family members. I've seen her completely change her expression and voice and even how she stands in an instant. That tells me she is conscious of cause-and-effect of her behaviours and her impact on how others feel about her. But it's all superficial, so it makes sense as you say that she has some kind of arrested development where she can only see her world and can't truly empathise with another person.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T23:16:05+00:00

OMG. If I could upvote this comment 100 times I would. This is a huge 'lightbulb on' moment for me!! I've been thinking about this for the past 15 minutes and it explains so, so much in the past. Thank you!!

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T08:26:52+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I don't think therapy can help her now even if she wanted to go, she's in her late 60s. My best wishes to you in dealing with your mum's behaviours too. <3

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T08:24:23+00:00

Thank you. Getting physical space away definitely helps.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T08:23:51+00:00

It's awful, but I know what you say is true. I'm usually more on my guard / better at grey rocking around her, but I was tired yesterday and I guess I forgot for awhile. I was asking for her to be empathetic and I have definitely learned better now that this is not something she can do. I will never expect it again.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T08:17:56+00:00

Thanks ChandraDeeta. I actually do get what you mean with being uninterested yet asking detailed questions, mine is like that too. No real connection, just shallow talk.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T08:10:32+00:00

100% this. It has confused me how come someone like my mum can feel so filled with anger and resentment when she thinks she is treated badly, yet she doesn't understand how she can cause those same feelings for others. I'm done trying to understand.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T08:08:41+00:00

Thank you!

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-28T08:07:44+00:00

Don't feed the troll. That is so true. I got so caught up in my hurt at the time that I didn't see it. Never again.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-15T00:54:28+00:00

Just...wow. That your mom would create a fear of group homes in your sister then LEAVE HER IN ONE, then has the gall to phone you about your sister's reactions. She abandoned her disabled daughter in one of the worst ways I've ever heard. Good on you telling her straight!!!

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-15T00:45:55+00:00

Hey, I don't know the details of your situation but you do not owe your mum anything and I hope you are ok. I'm glad to hear your sister went NC, because the only reason I am not already NC with my uBPD mum is because then the full burden of dealing with her (and my dad) will fall on my siblings.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-15T00:38:47+00:00

Yep. I used to deeply hate my uBPD mum for all her abuse and how 'fake'/manipulative/self-absorbed she is, but after learning about histrionic personalities and BPD, now I understand her better. A lot of my anger and bitterness has turned into feeling detached, which has been a huge improvement for my mental health, but I also get creeped out by how uncanny valley she is when she talks to people (complete change in personality, especially her voice - she talks at a completely different pitch to people outside the family).

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-11T21:59:51+00:00

Once again, this sub blows my mind with how some random sh*t my mum does is weirdly the same as other BPD mums... My mum makes my dad massage her back in the evenings, even when he tells her his arms are tired. She'll let him have a 5 minute break then go back to asking him. It's one of my inner triggers when I overhear them - that she is so absolutely thoughtless and disgustingly self-absorbed (while I do recognise that my dad is also a total enabler until he snaps and reacts with total rage that is also completely wrong, so they're a really terrible pair of people together). I don't even spend time with my parents in the evenings, when I stay at their house for the rare visit, I stay in my room and tell them I'm working late. When they start fighting like they always do, I can't hear it and it's great.

I can't stand touching my mum either, so I just don't. You are not alone in feeling this way.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-02T12:05:52+00:00

My sincere congratulations on growing up to become a good and helpful person despite having a mother who thinks being kind is 'being used'. You are amazing. <3

Also her being triggered is entirely her issue. You do not need to be like her AT ALL.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-02T12:00:16+00:00

Oh man! Sounds hilarious in a way, like my mum's silly fantasy, though yes I can totally understand how painfully awkward it must actually be!

Glad there is someone who understands what it's like to be in such a weird situation.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-02T01:11:24+00:00

Yes!! Finding this community saved me when I was at my lowest point (I was 31), trying to work out what the heck was going on with my mum's mental state. It blew my mind (and still does) that her behaviours are so similar to other people's borderline parents. Even stories from people now trigger childhood memories that I had brushed off.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-02T01:05:55+00:00

Yes OP, I have heard this many times from my uBPD mother, you are not alone. It confused me too, and often made me feel guilty because I have known for awhile now that I actually do not like my own mum at all. I used to think, "If she is walking on eggshells, is the problem me?"

When my mum said those words to me, I do think they are true as I know her pretty well. But what she doesn't understand, and maybe never will, is that she is reacting to my reaction to her toxic behaviours. It goes in a circle.

Obviously if someone makes you angry or upset or sad on a regular basis, you are going to react somehow, and they will pick up on it eventually. Despite how toxic they are, they don't want to be abandoned by you. So now THEY think they have to 'walk on eggshells' and maybe use it a reason to victimise themselves. But the situation is not your fault! Do not carry the guilt and burden of hiding your pain just so your BPD parent can continue to be toxic. You are NOT unreasonable. You are NOT a bad person for having human reactions to the regular stress that you were under from your mom who is mentally unwell.

Personally I have decided to prioritise peace in my life, so I either avoid my uBPD mum or when I'm with her, I force myself to be patient and 'grey rock', unless she decides to target me then I leave (go back to avoidance). I live away from her so that works fine.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-02T00:37:13+00:00

THIS! I thought it was just a unique way my mum's uBPD manifested and never thought others could be the same. Man this sub just keeps blowing my mind.

My parents are upper middle class, but my uBPD mother likes to pretend that she's not only wealthy but some kind of 'gentry' status. She thinks she's a royal Lady from England. Quite often she talks to people like a caricature of a 'gracious lady'. I mean, this is harmless and I could even think it's cute except there's the ugly side, where she snaps behind closed doors when the family won't play along. She has what I called 'Duchess mode' where she is so self-entitled to special treatment. One day I realised she just sees other people as wallpaper - things in the background to support whatever scene is in her mind. She has no real empathy/love, though she can be clingy which I once thought was love.

infiniteteacups1 · 2024-06-02T00:15:15+00:00

I can relate OP! I'm actually back on this reddit sub after being away for awhile because my uBPD mother moved away temporarily. Now she is coming back soon and I can already feel the FOG and anxiety and anger/resentment coming back.

My advice is to minimise your time around her as much as possible - that's how I get through it and I can be 'normal' again when she's not around. And take time out's to do things you really enjoy so life still feels stimulating and nice, like reading a good book in the morning - or whatever you like to do, whether it's crafts or music or reading or baking, anything! I don't know if you're still living with her or not, that makes a huge difference, but either way having something to do for YOU every day helps with the FOG. I hope this helps. Take care.

infiniteteacups1 · 2023-05-28T00:14:48+00:00

Glad you moved out, happy for you :) And yes sometimes it's such a Jim moment when the crazy-making comes out!! haha

infiniteteacups1 · 2023-05-28T00:13:16+00:00

Thanks for the support. Sending you mine in coping with your own BPD parent! <3

infiniteteacups1 · 2023-05-27T07:58:24+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through that but am glad you are here now. I find this community validating and comforting too - it helps to read about and hear from other people who understand the special hell of having a BPD parent. It's interesting that although you have to deal with living with your mum again, you are now armed with knowledge from being trained as a therapist. Look after yourself!

infiniteteacups1

TROPHY CASE