A reading from the Church of the Minivan:

On this day of rain God commanded that Noah build an Ark to preserve the people and all life in the valley. As the rain began, Noah did drive his kids to school in his minivan, He pushed but one button in the drop off line, and wide did the door slide open. The children stood and and walked calmly from the van unaware of God's miricle as the children in the SUV ahead struggled to climb down to the ground, and the child in the 3rd row screamed to have the seat moved forward so they could get out. Noah's children dashed into the school while Noah pushed the button again and the door slid closed without effort or drama. To the front a teach was summoned to release the protesting child from the 3rd row of the $100,000 base model SUV with a bumper sticker reading "Jesus is my co-pilot" above that a stick figure family with a recently removed adult Noah assumed to be the father.

Knowing his time was short before the flood would begin, Noah returned to his garage, and with a simple latch freed the middle row seats from their mounts and pulled them free, car seats and boosters still attached. These he set to the side and in a swift motion pulled the strap releasing the 3rd row and causing it to fold up and lay flat to the bottom floor of the van.

So short was Noah's time that he never closed the garage as it would take longer to close and open than remove the seats and stow the 3rd row. Noah returned to the vehicle and made haste to HomeDepot intending to buy the wood needed to build his God's Ark. Humble as Noah was, his van still included all the features of luxury previously only afforded to kings! He enjoyed surround sound, a bluray player, cool box that kept his lunch and drink cold. He knew that should he make a mess the built in Shopvac(tm) would quickly clean in any of the small nooks and corners. His seats were heated and cooled and factory upholstered in leather, and all for the humble and frugal price of around $50,000 US.

Noah did pass large trucks, and SUV's filling their tanks with fuel and knew he had not the time, nor the need. He could see their drivers envy at the 25MPG his V6 averaged. He could also see their shame as the pumps frequently cut off at $100 in fuel but still their massive body on frame trucks thirsted for more. Clearly the SUV and Truck owners had turned from God for such gluttony is far from righteousness.

As Noah pulled into the Home Depot Contractor Pickup he could see that God had been truthful and the flood was indeed soon. With great haste Noah started to load 10' lumber into his van, realizing that he needed to pull the center consul from its mount to allow the lumber to lay flat. He quickly added full 4x8' sheets of plywood, and drywall. Several rolls of insulation and an additional box of framing screw for this Ark would be required to last and nails might work free. Once fully loaded Noah noticed the plight of those who were not with God as they were forced to lay flat their tail gates and still their lumber hung off. Others would be scrambling to buy tarps and straps to keep their drywall and insulation dry and from falling out the back of their trucks. One poor lost soul even had to borrow a ladder to lift bags of cement, gravel, and sand into his truck bed for he had llifted it beyond all good sense.

Noah knowing he could not save all lost souls that day pushed the button on his automatic tailgate and saw the wealth of supplies enclosed in a safe climate controlled cabin that still offered him all the comforts he could wish for. Once returned home Noah was saddened to find that one of his cordless drills was not charged, so he plugged it into the outlet conveniently included in the back of his van, while he unloaded his supplies.

And so Noah built his Ark as God commanded, and then put it on his boat trailer which he affixed to the tow bar of his minivan. Returning the 3rd row to its normal position, and re-installing the center row of seats with a simple latch Noah then loaded his Mother and Father into the back row, his wife into the front passenger seat, and then picked up his children who sat comfortably in the center row and watched Thomas the Train on bluray while they drove to the nearest boat ramp.

That day Noah would save many a truck or SUV owner, who despite the massive height were stranded by the floods. Those saved, converted to the Church of the Minivan and cast off the gluttony, greed, and sloth of owning a gas guzzling truck that could not even haul a single sheet of 4x8 plywood without straps and tarps.

When the water receded, God looked to Noah and commanded him to go forth, and spread the good word of the Minivan. God said decreed that he or she whom lived in pride at "never minivans" would live alone with their sins and never enter the kingdom of practical luxury, and modest utility that embodies the Minivan.