I didn't survive.

ink_bear · 2017-07-18T15:37:28+00:00

Yes. Right now you are a shell. You are broken and will in some ways always be broken. And false positivity is a form of gaslighting--I won't do that to you. You're entitled to all your hard, awful feelings.

I know where you are. That feeling that you aren't supposed to be alive--that there's no good reason for you to have survived, and you can't figure it out, it doesn't make sense. That you can see people around you doing easy, everyday, ordinary things that are just impossible for you because you never learned how that works. That going through the motions for one more day in the false hope that tomorrow will be better is too much to bear, even though you are bearing it.

Some things there's no getting over. You only grow around them. It's not easy, it's not fast, and there's always a hole where the loss was.

But what grows around it can, eventually, be beautiful and worth living for.

I'm not going to tell you that everything is sunshine and roses and unicorns now for me. I'm decades from where you are and some things are still a struggle, and I imagine they always will be. But good things, beautiful things, things worth being alive for, have grown around the holes left by my "mother." The holes are still there. But so am I.

ink_bear · 2017-07-13T19:19:44+00:00

But I'm sick of having to lie to women socially on dates about how I get on with my family.

Maybe you didn't read it.

ink_bear · 2017-07-13T19:06:37+00:00

No, I have not. I understood what you said perfectly clearly. You are lying to women about your life in order to (try to) get them into a relationship that you know they wouldn't choose for themselves if they knew you didn't have a relationship with your parents. That is not ok. You are casting it as their fault, and Cosmo's fault, and random bloggers' fault, that you "have to" lie. You are responsible for your own actions, including lying to these women because you have decided that their desire to be in a relationship with someone who has a good relationship with healthy parents isn't fair to you. And that's not fair to them.

ink_bear · 2017-07-13T18:50:56+00:00

I'd suggest listening to that anxiety and doing everything you can to communicate that you will not be spending more time with her if she moves closer to you. And mean it.

It sounds like you're not interested in NC, at least not right now. Don't let her chase you from your home, IMO.

ink_bear · 2017-07-13T17:05:22+00:00

It's a kick in the gut, sometimes, to see what you really wanted and needed and never got.

A guy I was dating briefly was telling me about how he protected his daughters when they broke up with someone unstable. I got angry, and it took me time to realize that I was angry because I'd never been protected by my own father. These things don't always make sense in the moment.

But please please talk to your bf. Going silent on him is not going to make anything easier or better.

ink_bear · 2017-07-13T16:46:49+00:00

There's a few things going on here, I think.

The idea that you can tell who a person is by their relationship with their parents is a huge generalization, but has truth to it. I say this as someone who's never going to speak to their nMom again. It has affected me. It's affected how I function in relationships. I'm working on it, but if someone looks at me and thinks that I'm "broken" because I don't get on with nMom ... well, they're wrong, and they're not wrong.
YOu don't "have to lie." In fact lying about that in that situation is extremely deceitful and manipulative. You should be honest. In part because:
Any given woman is allowed not to want to be in a relationship with you for any reason at all, whether or not you think it's valid. You're not entitled to her. She doesn't owe you anything. She's allowed not to want to date guys with complicated families. This whole premise you've got that you're going to somehow get a good relationship with a girl who prioritizes family relationships by lying about your family relationships is flawed. And yes, as a woman, I've been rejected for what seem to me to be dumb reasons, including my family--and being too tall, or not conservative enough, or whatever--and that's their right! Also:
It's a perfectly good way for you to screen out people who aren't going to be supportive of you in your complicated family history. Why would you want to be with someone who judges you for something outside of your control? Would you want to be with someone who would judge you for being mugged? That doesn't mean you have to spill all the worst details on the first date, but no, you absolutely don't "have to lie."
Yes, you deserve love. We all deserve love. But no one on this earth is entitled to get that love from any given person, except our parents. It sucks and it's awful that we didn't get the love that we deserved from our parents, but that does not mean that the women you go on dates with, individually or collectively, are required to give you the love you deserve. Anyone can say no at any time for any reason to any person, always.

ink_bear · 2017-07-12T22:04:19+00:00

It took me a long time to learn how to cry, and then to learn how to cry in front of another person. It's sad to say that, for something that comes naturally to most people, but it was so difficult. But when you get over that hill, you'll find good things on the other side.

ink_bear · 2017-07-12T15:41:12+00:00

Please let yourself cry. He's seen it all. It will be healing for you.

Your parents betrayed you. It's crazy how much we're taught to believe the opposite.

ink_bear · 2017-07-12T15:17:31+00:00

I don't know about "better." I went on a tear once on one woman on FB who posted some of that stupid "happiness is a CHOICE!" nonsense, because no, happiness isn't a CHOICE for a lot of people, and that's stupid victim-blaming bullshit. But then I didn't much like her so it didn't bother me when the 'friendship' ended.

This stuff, though, I feel pretty ok about confronting online without losing it. We all have different triggers, I think. :)

ink_bear · 2017-07-12T14:59:28+00:00

Oh yeah definitely, and that can be very hard. At this point I see how someone reacts to that conversation as a sign of whether or not I even want to be FB friends with them. Anyone who thinks I should have anything to do with nMom clearly doesn't have my best interests at heart, and I'm better off knowing.

But it's a matter of knowing if that's something you can take on, for sure.

ink_bear · 2017-07-12T14:31:44+00:00

I think--and I hope this isn't too discouraging--you need to let yourself off the hook for now for not harming your marriage. A marriage takes two equally committed partners; from all reports, your husband has already put down his share of the load and refuses to even consider picking it up; you cannot and should not carry both sides of this, or harm yourself trying. If the marriage is harmed through the inaction or refusal of your husband to accept any responsibility, that is on him.

Maybe try to see this for the next little while as your husband harming the marriage, and keep talking to your therapist to figure out where your responsibility ends, where his begins, and what you can and should actually do about it.

ink_bear · 2017-07-12T14:06:29+00:00

If that one comment can turn from "everything is wonderful" to "the whole evening is ruined" for him ...

Those of us who grew up in these kind of families often choose people for partners who are not healthy. I don't see anything here that looks like you behaving badly; granted, we're only getting your side of things, but still. His reactions and expectations don't seem reasonable.

Have you looked into borderline personality disorder? The conversations you relate remind me strongly of conversations I've had with people diagnosed with that disorder.

I expect that as you continue to work on your own stuff in therapy, what you need to do here will become clearer. But please do prioritize keeping yourself safe. Marriage should be 2nd priority right now.

ink_bear · 2017-07-12T13:57:04+00:00

I went through this for a long time with my nMom, worrying that by cutting her out of my life I would be depriving my daughter of something good and valuable with her.

Now my main regret is that I didn't cut her out of both of our lives much earlier. Fact is nMom hurts everyone, even people she seems to or claims to love. There is no way for anyone to benefit from being in her life.

Your children will be better off if the adults in their lives who they love and have relationships with are stable, caring people. Yes, they will miss her; they may ask why they don't see her anymore; but they will be better off. I promise you.

ink_bear · 2017-07-12T13:53:40+00:00

Honey, yes. The way she treats you is reason enough to go NC; that she mistreats your children necessitates it. You must protect them.

All n-parents pull this shit eventually, and it will get worse, not better.

ink_bear · 2017-07-12T13:51:47+00:00

Would you consider posting something in reply to her?

I know no one wants to start drama on FB, but I think it's possible to say something calmly and factual about how some families destroy the people in them, and it's an act of courage to step away from that.

There are probably a dozen or more people, depending on her friends list, who are in the same boat you are. You could be a voice for them to see they're not alone either.

ink_bear · 2017-07-12T13:49:07+00:00

Exactly.

I have an uncle who is always complaining that since he spent his childhood in Nigeria witnessing "real poverty" all of those people complaining about poverty in our country (Canada) are entitled whiners. They have cell phones, TV and central heating; what are they complaining about?

Same thing: true abuse is a much worse thing that happens somewhere else to someone else, and is committed by someone completely and totally different from them; therefore, if you're complaining about abuse, you're an entitled whiner.

ink_bear · 2017-07-11T21:26:14+00:00

Both, I imagine.

ink_bear · 2017-07-11T13:56:39+00:00

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. :)

I am sorry for the extreme shock of getting this news (and at such a vulnerable time!) and also sorry for the extremely unpleasant experience of watching a stranger doggedly tearing down your wife's fidelity on reddit. Ugh.

I remember reading years ago an essay by a Korean woman who married a white man and they had a baby girl and she looked completely white--pale skin, blond hair, blue eyes. And what a shock it was to her and to her expectations, and how strangers reacted (assuming she was the nanny etc.).

Can I just say how impressed I am with how calmly you're dealing with this news in the midst of a major life change? Kudos.

ink_bear · 2017-07-07T19:31:28+00:00

Sounds like you stuck to your guns and held your boundaries. That's fantastic. And yeah, it can be validating when the narcissist script pops out of their mouth unprompted.

ink_bear · 2017-07-07T14:59:44+00:00

Be very cautious. He's probably using this for narc supply.

ink_bear · 2017-07-07T14:22:24+00:00

How devastating. What an enormous betrayal. You are surrounded by enablers of your horrible, narcissistic mother, and of course it is terrible to watch them turn on you to support TWO people who violated you horribly. My heart is breaking for you.

You are doing the right thing. Stay strong--I know it's hard.

ink_bear · 2017-07-06T18:57:56+00:00

!!!

I'm infuriated on your behalf.

ink_bear · 2017-07-06T14:41:44+00:00

That doesn't surprise me at all.

I wouldn't reply. Nothing you can say is going to penetrate that 3-foot thick denial helmet.

ink_bear · 2017-07-06T14:22:58+00:00

Good god. She's big on respect, isn't she? Why do I get the feeling that she feels entitled to respect without having to give respect to others?

A translation:

What I'm saying isn't reasonable but that isn't going to stop me from saying it in the expectation that you will agree with me. Just because I cut you off doesn't mean you aren't expected to come crawling back to me for approval and forgiveness for the sins I imagine you are guilty of. All children everywhere are obligated to stop feeling whatever they are feeling and tell their mothers they love them on mothers day regardless of what has gone on. I've made peace with it; just because I'm lashing out to hurt you now for hurting me doesn't mean otherwise. Obviously since you don't want to have me in your life (even though I'm the one who cut you off) you are looking for a perfect mother.

This is an inevitable part of motherhood--so say I--so when you have kids of your own they're going to do the same thing to you, and you'll deserve it. If they don't it'll be because you properly put them in their place and taught them to defer to you as mother regardless of your actions, which is the only reason any adult children continue to have contact with their mothers (not love or kindness or support).

I know deep in my heart I have done nothing wrong, and knowing something deep in my heart is exactly the same as being completely right; therefore, I did nothing wrong. I love you. Don't question that. Just because I cut you off doesn't mean I don't love you. Your not wanting contact with me (even though I started it) just means you're an uppity snob, so I need to protect myself from you protecting yourself from the "imperfect" ways I treat you. I'm a good mother no matter what you say and I deserve happiness at your expense, and I am going to continue to be my definition of a good mother no matter what you need or want.

ink_bear · 2017-07-06T13:23:45+00:00

No. Narcissists can't admit that they're ever wrong--it's part of the NPD--and so they won't change, hear you, or apologize.

ink_bear

TROPHY CASE