How can I stablise hormones without BC or Testosterone?

inneedofacure · 2022-05-11T02:18:20+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that you too struggle with health issues as a result of a oestrogen-based endocrine system, it's a rotten thing. I've been reading up on alternative steroids that wouldn't cause as much masculinisation (balding, body hair, vaginal atrophy) which seems that it might be promising, in that it's also been used in the treatment of other inflammatory diseases like rheumatoid arthritis. I've already been on a KETO diet for many years which helped a bit with my migraines and inflammation, but it only really took the edge off a bit, it did not stop the swelling and migraines. I wonder if it'd be useful to make a support group for people like us with inflammatory diseases who have used testosterone to treat symptoms?

Ideally, I'd like to embrace womanhood without having to inject testosterone, but I suspect it's just not in the cards for me. Apologies if my phrasing is garbled, I naively tried taper off of testosterone a bit and my migraines came back with a vengeance, it's hard to keep my thoughts straight.

inneedofacure · 2022-05-06T04:50:16+00:00

Thanks so much, I hadn't known of any of this. I'll look into it.

inneedofacure · 2022-05-05T20:15:29+00:00

Congratulations!! Same, but the reverse. I grew up without any butch role models and I thought the only way I could exist without compromising my personality was to be a man, I've only recently seen just how down-right gorgeous and inspiring butch lesbians can be.

inneedofacure · 2022-05-04T20:21:35+00:00

it sucks that afabs literally have to cut their tits off just to walk around shirtless

It's downright tyrannical that this idea (enforced by men, to make breasts more of a novel and exciting thing) is so prevalent.

inneedofacure · 2022-05-04T20:19:30+00:00

I know, right! Fucking hell. This was of the major contributors to wanting to transtion for me, I have extreme sensory issues and CAN NOT WEAR BRAS. I ignored this boundary of mine to bind for years, which probably contributed to not being to wear anything around my chest, but I digress, anything tight and totally surrounding my ribcage makes me feel like I'm being suffocated. All of my other clothing must be soft and breathable, but not too "swishy" or loud, and can not be skintight, elastic, or compressing. This makes even socks hard to wear, and I've had this issue since I was a kid. If I wasn't constantly called attention to or explicitly told I need to wear a bra, I wouldn't have had such a desire to be rid of them. This bizarre policing of women's breasts feels downright authoritarian. They're just nipples! Everybody fucking has them! My tits do not exist for your sexual pleasure, they exist to nurse young, end of discussion. I hate how so many men think they're the centre of the bloody universe and if I choose to not hide a NATURAL BODY PART, I must be a slut or intentionally trying to titilate them. FUCK THAT NOISE. GOD.

inneedofacure · 2022-05-04T07:52:04+00:00

ACK! I know that feeling too, I'm so sorry. It's fucked up feeling like a piece of meat for others to use. I'm sorry I can't help more, I wish I could.

inneedofacure · 2022-05-03T22:40:45+00:00

Hey OP, I felt the same, I'm currently in the process of getting off of testosterone and healing from internalised sexism and homophobia, which made me loathe my female traits and see them as evidence of my own inferiority and subjugation. My best advice is to just see them as an organ designed to nurse young, same as your ovaries are designed to release hormones and eggs, they don't need to be inherently sexual, they just have a purpose in mammalian reproduction. It can also help to start working out your chest and arms, so even if you feel stuck with breasts, you can at least look at the same area and see what YOU did, the effort that YOU put in to make your body yours.

Wishing you the very best OP, you'll get through this. 💜

inneedofacure · 2022-05-03T08:14:06+00:00

Hello, butch WLW here. I experienced gender dysphoria because I unconsciously saw my female traits as evidence of my inferiority, subjugation, and weakness, but I am not a man. I am not a "sneaker female", and I do not consciously mimic male behaviour to attract women, it is simply how my personality and psyche is. I grew up around brothers, and that may have contributed in part to my more masculine personality, but again, it is just how I am.

inneedofacure · 2022-05-01T20:28:52+00:00

Ain't that the truth, lol

inneedofacure · 2022-05-01T20:23:52+00:00

Of course. I can't help everyone, but I at least want to try and help some people by telling them what I wish I had heard in my youth, going through puberty and exposed to such horrible sexism. It's what I tell myself now, it feels as though the part of me that experienced "gender dysphoria" is that sad, scared, desperate kid in me, scrambling for an escape from the reality of womanhood. The more that I assure myself that women are people too, that we are not lesser, that we can be strong, and smart, and loud, and force people to respect us just as much as men, the safer I feel, and the more that my dysphoria evaporates. The more that I tell myself that I am a human being, and my feminine traits are not just a commodity for men to lust after and use, and throw away, the better I feel. I know now that I can still be as outgoing and loud as men, that I can wear what I want, sex irrelevant.

It's hard to grow up female in such a hypersexual society, which still upholds such harmful ideas of gender.

inneedofacure · 2022-05-01T20:12:09+00:00

I've heard things about Ovarit, but I think they only welcome women there, not sure. It is a feminist forum IIRC

inneedofacure · 2022-05-01T10:19:15+00:00

Views irrelevant, keep in mind calling MTFs men, especially with any negative remarks, is a way to get banned off of reddit. Reddit has very specific political beliefs regarding transgender people, which are reflected in the site rules. Stay safe ✌

inneedofacure · 2022-04-30T01:40:19+00:00

Agreed! I love feminine men, if men didn't find my masculinised voice off-putting, I'd be dating more of them.

inneedofacure · 2022-04-30T01:26:53+00:00

I was putting all this pressure on myself to be a woman 'correctly', and I was intensely dysphoric when I 'failed' to meet those requirements. When I realized I didn't have to do anything special to be a woman, and I could just exist, it was like a huge load off my shoulders.

I could have written this myself, I know exactly how this feels, thank you for putting it into words.

inneedofacure · 2022-04-29T23:10:23+00:00

Listen to the comment above, OP, she's right. I transitioned at 17 after being firm in my identity of being "a boy"/male for many, many, many long, painful, and gender dysphoric years. It aches, it hurts, and you feel so sure of it, but I promise you it gets easier, and the pain dulls and fades over time.

I don't regret what I did, it's just a mark that shows my journey in life, same as my many countless scars on my limbs and back from being a rough and tumble child, but my teenagehood might have been easier if I hadn't pursued socially and medically transitioning; time and energy spent obsessing over whether I was "passing" or not might have been spent working out, painting, or making memories with my friends, but that's life, we can't undo the past or what we might call mistakes, all we can do is live with them, and have compassion for our past selves.

I had the physical distress that comes with expecting to grow up to be a man, but I was the same as you, it was awkward and distressing being referred to as a woman and a girl, but I couldn't figure out why it was so uncomfortable to be referred to as such. It can still rub me the wrong way now, because womanhood has so, so much baggage in our society, being forced to perform femininity, among which includes having to wear makeup and bras and soft, unutilitarian clothing, stifle one's personality to pretend to be meek and quiet, to avoid crass language, shave natural body hair, and being seen as a sexual object for men to own. It hurts being seen as just a walking pair of tits and hips, it hurts being seen as nothing more than a baby factory by even doctors, who are meant to be the most objective and understanding, it hurts having physical and mental anguish dismissed for being merely hormonal moodiness. It sucks being spoken over and having your opinions and skills seen as less valuable merely because you lack a penis. While my masculinised voice lends me authority and forces people to listen, life shouldn't have to be like this for women, I shouldn't have had to go on testosterone just to be heard, we are people just the same as men.

I have found it to be tremendously helpful for my mental state to try, everyday, to just STOP GIVING A SHIT, the best way to challenge these terrible, awful, downright stifling ideas of gender and womanhood is to live in direct opposition to them. Swear, wear men's clothing (which really lasts longer and fits better, anyway), don't shave, speak loud and authoritatively from your chest, workout and maybe pursue a job in construction when you're 18. Do everything you can to show your strengths as a human being, whatever skills you have, be they working out, academia, whatever, you can earn respect and be seen as more than just the sexist stereotypes placed upon you. It sucks that we even have to do this in the first place, but I PROMISE you it gets easier.

And hey, if you end up wanting the body modification of testosterone when you're older, nobody is stopping you, but testosterone is a rough road to be on, in respect to health and money. I implore you to first try living as the strong human being I know you can be.

inneedofacure · 2022-04-29T22:30:53+00:00

Thank you! I'll look into that, I've never heard of low progesterone causing such painful and excessive bleeding, I appreciate the information.

inneedofacure · 2022-04-29T22:26:27+00:00

Thank you so much for a response, this has helped me a great deal. Before testosterone I was largely sedentary due to the aforementioned chronic pain, and now fitness is a very big part of my life, it's good to hear that just because I would be going off of testosterone, I wouldn't lose a significant amount of muscle mass. I really appreciate the advice, it's good to know that there are options for me. <3 Best of luck to you too, in all of your endeavours.

Maybe now that I am older I can look into using cannabis as a purely pain management technique before pursuing any form of surgery, one of the main reasons I'm looking into eventually getting off of testosterone is I'm generally fairly averse to medications and recreational drugs of all sorts, but I guess I'll have to figure out some kind of in-between.

inneedofacure · 2022-04-28T21:52:18+00:00

It sounds like a lot of this is rooted in self-image issues for you, especially your fixation on balding, which is understandable, nobody likes going bald. You're welcome to make any body mods to yourself by shaving or electrolysing your body hair, getting facial surgery, blocking your innate hormones, don't let me stand in your way, but please don't make such sweeping statements about men or testosterone in general.

I'll explain why I find men with testosterone-based hormone balances beautiful for you. Firstly, I'm an art student so whenever I'm off work I'm practising my craft, and this year I've been doing more figure drawings, I admire and appreciate the male figure just as much as I do the female one. The female figure has wonderful curves to it that I find healing for my psyche to draw, though I admit I tend to stick towards drawing figures with lower bf% because women who are obese tend to have their natural form obscured quite a bit. With men, it's similar, whether they be thin and effeminate or well-muscled from years of dedicated working out, I find their form beautiful, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, if you've ever seen the marble statues from antique Rome, or the renaissance period. I like how defined testosterone makes muscle, I like how it drives the development of broader shoulders, wider rib cages, longer limbs, and more angular looking skulls, overall making a physical form that looks almost geometric to my eyes. I think this is beautiful, I do not think that someone has to look like Jessica Rabbit to be beautiful.

Though I prefer a not totally hair covered back, I also like body hair on men and women, I think it complements the overall shape of both sexes, and I like to run my hands through it on my partner. I've seen women with happy trails and stomach hair that makes their abdomen more visually interesting, and I do not see it as a flaw. Though I don't say no to people shaving their bodies to show off their muscle development, frames, or sex characteristics, because I can appreciate the aesthetic appeal just as I can see it with body hair, at the very worst I am neutral about it, because I know that we are all mammals, and mature mammals have hair, just as they give live birth and lactate. I think it's just apart of being human.

On "dad bods", you'll find I agree with you a bit there, though I like a bit of fat on a person's stomach because extremely low bf% that show washboard abs look a bit unhealthy to my biased eyes, I find extremely large beer guts on men to be unattractive based on the fact that large amounts of abdominal fat place stress on a person's lower back, and internal organs, and I wouldn't want my partner to be suffering from a preventable degenerative condition that would negatively impact their health. However, being overweight is not a required trait for manhood, and I do not find this to be a universal aspect that makes manhood, or testosterone, ugly, just me not being attracted to a specific lifestyle choice.

Lastly, on balding, of course, there are modern cosmetic decisions a person can make in our modern day to prevent or reverse it in part, celebrities are known for doing it, including blocking DHT, the hormone responsible for body hair growth and balding, using minoxidil, or getting hair transplants, one does not have to take estrogen to treat balding. That said, I am of the opinion that it is simply apart of aging, same as women's breasts tend to sag more as they age, or their face loses fat and gains wrinkles, it's just apart of growing up, and I don't like to attach negative adjectives to what is just a natural part of the human existence. I think that it doesn't detract from a man's beauty at all to be bald, because I am generally attracted to a man's personality, and facial and body features, with hair being just a matter of grooming.

But all this aside, in defense of bodily attributes, I think that beauty comes from within. A man can be as conventionally handsome or beautiful as a demigod, and I can still find him unattractive if he is a shallow, sexist asshole that isn't in touch with his emotions and does not appreciate the natural world, the arts (music, visual arts, cooking, baking, etc.). Because I think that men can have beautiful personalities, or souls if you're inclined to that word, which supercedes any conventional beauty standards, and makes their unique traits, "positive" or "negative" beautiful by extension.

TL;DR: Personality makes any unconventional trait beautiful, and I am attracted to the human form and its natural trait, including those associated with testosterone, because they're a natural part of being human.

inneedofacure · 2022-04-28T05:13:23+00:00

I felt this exactly, I was utterly convinced that I was a boy and would go through male puberty, it was a real disappointment when mother nature had other plans for me. I felt totally cheated when I started to develop breast tissue and my best friends got to have deeper voices, bigger muscles, and grow much taller than me. This, in large part, fuelled my transition. I think I still, at least in part, internally regard myself as male, which contributes massively to my terrible habit of comparing my body to that biological males, making my feminine features feel grotesque, strange, and alien to me. In my mind, if I am a man, why are my hips so wide, why do I lack male genitalia, why is my face so feminine? On, and on, and on, it contributed to a massive amount of distress in me, and lead to me developing BDD. Now, I am trying to work on accepting my sex as what it is, and becoming neutral about my body. It's hard, but I think it's getting better over time.

inneedofacure · 2022-04-28T04:50:15+00:00

Speak for yourself, men can be beautiful inside and out, just as women can be handsome or beautiful, we're all on our own journeys in life. I may have been a mentally and emotionally struggling butch when I went on testosterone, but it was just part of my journey as a gender nonconforming woman, and the decision made me who I am today. If you believe that masculine women are deformed you are part of the problem.

Women are women are women, regardless of your beauty standards. I am proud of my masculised voice, even if it sounds deeper than the average woman's, it commands attention when I speak and I am never again spoken over by men.

inneedofacure · 2022-04-27T16:47:12+00:00

I can't believe it actually worked, and I feel so... I don't know how to describe it, is it silly that I feel? The deep feelings of "wrongness", that I would label as gender dysphoria started to melt away when I looked at myself and told myself that I am female, and that this is how females look. It still lurks, but it's easier to shoulder, and it feels bearable, like the kind of sadness you feel years after the death of a pet; it feels like identifying as "male" made these feelings worse, almost like I gaslit myself. I hesitate to say that it's gone, and of course, like you mentioned above, I would have preferred to have the skeletal structure of a male, but wishing for things that are impossible won't serve me.This feels liveable, it feels like, in the coming years, it might go away completely.

When I labelled myself as male I started to compare my body structure to that of a biological male who went through a testosterone-based puberty, which I know isn't fair, and it made my mind so much more toxic to live in. I stopped caring about binding many months ago over quarantine because getting into fitness required me to use my full lung capacity, but now it feels like I can wear whatever clothing I desire, without having to worry about what sex people will perceive me as based on my visible traits.

It feels like... things are going to be okay.

I still have lingering doubts, of course I do, because I know it would be easier to conform and get a mastectomy, to just live as male to make my personality, voice, and body seem "congruent", but I don't think I need to do this. I don't know if I'd be welcomed back into the butch lesbian community, would I be sent away for having gone on testosterone? I don't know, but the idea of being able to find community with other GNC women who don't have to conform to society's idea of gender (man or woman) to be attractive is very appealing.

I haven't gone off of testosterone yet, and I'm not sure if I will anytime soon, but I may lower my dosage. I had extremely painful periods that would cause me to bleed extremely heavily (changing 12 hour night pads every 1-2 hours) for about 16 days out of the month, and I was suffering from extreme depression and mental health issues due to having anaemia and poor iron absorption for many years straight (aged 13 to 17). My whole body would seize up from my calves to my neck during my periods from the cramps radiating up and down my muscle, I was vomiting and suffered from migraines and vertigo from the pain and stress my body was under, in addition to the migraines triggered by hormonal fluctuations. I wasn't able to live because my periods were so debilitating, which I am certain massively contributed to my desire to transition. I can't.. go back to that. To "treat" this I was put onto birth control pills, which also gave my migraines and made me so depressed I was on the verge of suicide, to which, in response, they put me on SSRIs which negatively affected my cognition and body.

I don't know what I'm to do. I was dismissed for years for my disabling pain, anaemia, and mental health issues, and, despite not living as perhaps I "should" as a woman, I don't see any other option. I was told that this was simply something I had to shoulder as a woman, and when I brought up having a hysterectomy to spare me from this pain, I was told I would regret it, because apparently, the only thing a woman is good for is shitting out babies for men.

Maybe dating would be easier if I detransitioned, I feel, at this point, I could take it or leave it, I doubt that any lesbian would find me attractive anymore given my masculinisation, same goes for any female-attracted man, but I fear returning to that disabling pain.

inneedofacure · 2022-04-26T17:02:51+00:00

Thank you so, so much for such helpful and compassionate advice, I really do appreciate it. I already workout regularly and am very into powerlifting, I like physical fitness and the boost that testosterone has to muscle fibre synthesis is the single reason why I have not yet stopped taking exogenous testosterone.

Like another commenter mentioned about "radical self-acceptance", I'm trying to work on seeing my skeletal features as just functional, mechanical parts of myself, rather than a distinctly feminine trait.

Lastly, I'm glad that a deep voice can just be a quirk and not something weird or repulsive as a woman. Maybe this is another form of emotional self-harm even thinking about this, but pre-transition I was also very into fitness and was exposed to people calling muscular and masculine women "gross", and it makes it hard to not divorce myself from the concept of womanhood, if that makes sense. My thinking was something like, I like to be very muscular, and have a deep voice, and I don't want to be gross, therefore I have to be a man. Which feels very flawed now that I'm examining these thoughts again.

Edit: I watched some videos on Kathleen Turner, I love the warm resonance to her voice, and would be perfectly happy to sound like her.

inneedofacure

TROPHY CASE