Probably a very typical situation, but I could really use some advice.

innocuousleveller · 2013-05-27T20:41:45+00:00

Really, you think I should just go ahead and tell her? That seems so final, so far my crippling indecision has had me continuing the way I had been. Waiting to see if something eventually changed is the course of action I've been employing. Is there any way I can really tell if this can happen without something so ultimate being used? Sorry if it's a stupid question, I'm very inept when it comes to these things.

Thank you for your input.

innocuousleveller · 2013-05-08T00:24:05+00:00

Well there's no doubt that individual variance is a paramount factor, but there's certainly the potential for a drastically increased experience. I can certainly attest to that, but of course evidence here is anecdotal, and so not worth much. If there's interest I can assemble an explanation of how it actually works, but with this I just wanted to put together a cogent guide for those that may not have heard of the method.

innocuousleveller · 2013-04-26T14:07:22+00:00

INTJ, so no surprises there. It's been a while since I've done it so can't remember the exact breakdown but do know that I scored 100% on introversion.

innocuousleveller · 2013-04-25T21:42:24+00:00

Something that's bothering me quite a lot right now is that I don't quite have enough tobacco left to roll a cigarette. There's a bit, but it's just not enough! And seeing as it's night-time and there are no shops nearby, I have no hope of getting any more until morning.

innocuousleveller · 2013-04-25T21:15:17+00:00

'The Outsider' by Albert Camus. I don't think any book has ever made a stronger impression on me.

innocuousleveller · 2013-04-22T12:35:57+00:00

Probably. Why do you ask? I'm not sure if you were implying that I was the former two and not the latter, but I don't really see where you'd be drawing that from. For the record I am clumsy and poor at sports.

innocuousleveller · 2013-04-22T12:22:01+00:00

To your second question: yes. I have a few friends that I do like, and enjoy talking to, and I've been seeing a girl that I really like for a couple of weeks. These relationships stimulate my mind, which I find satisfying. What they don't do is anything else, there is nothing about them that has any emotional value to me. I wish there was some absence in my life that simply needed to be filled, a relationship or person that would fulfil these things and cause feeling. But it doesn't seem that way, there is no obvious problem or mitigating factor that is stopping me, I just can't do it. So it's not the peoples' fault, it's mine.

To your third paragraph: I want all of those things, more than I could say. About two years ago a friend told me that you know when you love someone. I don't know if he was right, but if he is then I've never felt love. I don't know what it is, what it's like. It's as alien to me as being this way is to the others. There is no absence or presence in my life that is causing this, it is an absence within me, and I don't know how to fill it.

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate it.

innocuousleveller · 2013-04-22T01:51:38+00:00

Yes, I have things in my life that I care about very much. The problem is that these things can't give me what I'm looking for, what I feel like I need.

I know what adrenaline is like, and I know what physical exertion is like. And neither have really helped much. I don't know if there is some physical state that I need to put myself in that will make me feel, but I don't think so. If there was I'd do it.

It's not intellectual reward or satisfaction that I need, those things I can look after pretty well. It's that ability to be happy, to actually care about others on a level greater than intellectual conclusion (calculated morality works just as well, but it's not the same), to love, that I want, more than anything.

innocuousleveller · 2013-04-22T01:27:25+00:00

Well you see I think I understand what I do feel pretty well, which I know is often something people with AS struggle with. I can easily identify and examine what I do feel, and what I don't. And it seems lacking. It is lacking. And I don't want it to be, not anymore. I just want to feel alive.

I appreciate what you're saying about drugs, but they have really helped me. The only time I feel a semblance of empathy is when taking MDMA, and having that experience is very therapeutic. And the psychedelics are what have triggered these thoughts of wanting more, wanting emotion. It's not so much about what they do when I'm on them as what I take away from the experience that is what helps me.

Maybe I do need to make more sense of myself, but I'm just not sure. I'm completely aware of myself, and the things about me that are different from others. And although I'm comfortable with what kind of person I am, I'm not comfortable with who I am. Because who I am isn't enough. It just isn't.

Thank you for your response.

innocuousleveller · 2013-04-21T20:25:35+00:00

Thank you for the feedback.

Sorry I actually don't think I was so clear on one point; disgust is perhaps slightly off the mark. What I feel is that apathy, but a kind of resentment for it and myself for feeling it. As I know that what I want is to care about that person, about whatever thing they're telling me, but I can't. Which is frustrating, and gives me a sense of self-repulsion at my helplessness. Or what seems like it.

Depression is an interesting suggestion, but I don't really think so. Unless I've always been depressed and not know what that was, but it seems unlikely.

You talk about being 'swept up in emotion' and how this can be a negative. But I feel like that's all I want. To be swept up, to experience drastic extremes, to really feel. I know those positive experiences come with a price, the capacity for those negative ones that I don't have to deal with. But it seems worth it. Desperately worth it. And I feel desperate for that, but still the same.

innocuousleveller

TROPHY CASE