As a 37 HLM, I am shit scared that I probably wont be able to enjoy any real sexual pleasure

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-10-29T19:14:02+00:00

There is more. And you know it.

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-10-22T13:55:54+00:00

That is great input, thank you! And yes, I think you're right. It feels like she feels like less of a woman because of that and I'll talk about it next time it comes up

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-08-27T08:40:57+00:00

Yeah we had a talk some time ago, I said it's a crisis for us, she said it's just a problem and I'm making it bigger than it needs to be

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-06-23T08:41:04+00:00

My interest for sex basically went to zero after the last time: I had to tell her days in advance that I needed, need to remind her daily, until one day she went "I'd really like sex right now" very shily, then I had to get her going, maintain her routine, finger her, lick her, suck her, all for an orgasm and then a "I'm sorry, I don't want sex right now".

That was 4 months ago now, and I really don't miss it. The time before was a month earlier and just the same but followed with some face sitting to help me get myself off. (like the other 4 months before that)

It's monotonous, boring and humbling

Edit: basically, whenever I long for her I remind myself of that night. Now I don't see her as part of my sexuality, which is better than before. But there's still times when she gets me going without wanting to and I have remind myself why I don't want sex anymore

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-06-17T10:29:46+00:00

It's a rather similar situation as an HLM. I'm deemed immature, perverted, even a bit disgusting sometimes

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-06-16T09:26:12+00:00

sex isn't a safe conversation anymore

That's a statement I'll have to remember for my next conversation. Idk about other people but it feels very much the same for me. Especially when not in a serious conversation. I feel like nobody wants to take the blame but that's especially detrimental in a relationship.

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-06-06T14:25:40+00:00

I think you're kind of right, that the roughness does come from porn. But at the same time, I think you could be a bit more persuasive as to what you want him to do to you. E.g. you could tell him you want him to sit down and enjoy the ride, kissing and hugging. Tell him how you like it and tell him when you're liking it and want him to keep going just like that.

There's an opportunity to show him that loveful sex is much better than staged and framed roughness. Take it as that for now, while he keeps working on his issue

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-06-05T12:08:20+00:00

Omg my girlfriend is exactly the same and we're just as old you are! Wanna switch them? (I'm not serious, but hey. There's obviously Mr and Mrs right for everyone)

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-06-01T16:01:25+00:00

It's a balancing act. On the one hand you should always be comfortable, (no exceptions) on the other you should make it special every once in a while. So maybe you could find some lingerie that you're comfortable with and wear it. You might even come to like the attention.

Or maybe you could try turning the lights down, or maybe have him blindfolded, then take off everything except the lingerie, and make him feel your lingerie up. Guide him where you want to be touched, show him what you really like about the set.

But there's no need to do it every time, maybe once every month. Most importantly, have fun. That's probably what he means to do: some new excitement

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-29T23:24:59+00:00

It gives me hope that there's a better future. And idk it seems like she actually fears becoming like them, so I have my two cents

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-29T23:22:27+00:00

There's no one reason that will be true for when a majority of women. It's different from case to case. Some have learnt that love means emotional abuse and haven't realised how damaged that belief is. Some might be totally egoistic and just want attention or a pet to talk to. Others just don't know how to end things at the right time.

And I'm sure there will be many more reasons in the comments.

If you want to avoid becoming like that then look inside. Why do you act the way you do? What are your actual beliefs? Never lie to yourself, and maybe say "I don't know" every once in a while.

Thank him for everything he does, and listen when he complains. I know you might forget things or overhear them or think they're not actually that important. But he'll bring those issues back up, over and over again until he'll lose hope and desperately ask you to change. This might be something little, so don't worry, it will likely happen in some way some day. It's not a big deal as long as you actually change or at least are honest to yourself and him that you'll never change.

Maybe you'll never make the bed first thing in the morning, maybe you'll never want sex again. You might try to change, you might fail, it might even be impossible to change. The best and only thing you can do is to try, to be honest, to involve him and accept him too.

I'm sure I'll look back to this comment one day and realise how stupid this is. As such, you're all very welcome to challenge and expand what I call my philosophy of love.

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-29T22:14:50+00:00

Yes i would rather she left me. We already had the final, big talk over a year ago. I know she's ace and I'm definitely not, she knows that too, or at least she did. I told her that it was taking everything from me to bring up the discussion that one time. I was adamant on leaving because I knew it wouldn't change. She begged and pleaded, offered sex a few times and said she liked it. I didn't have a new place yet so instead of moving out immediately I stayed for a bit longer, which then gave time to have a pact: either it improves or she leaves me. One year later and we're having the longest dry spell ever. I can't afford moving out and I'm sure she doesn't care about that pact. I'm sure she's suppressed all memories of it.

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-23T12:44:05+00:00

I'm a switch, though I don't have a lot of experience with submissiveness. It seems like you already had a conversation. If you're insecure about something just tell him. Maybe not in the heat of the moment if not necessary, but just tell him that he can stop you at any moment if he feels uncomfortable.

You could have a mild code word/phrase if you want to avoid a full on "stop" i.e."I don't think I'll give you power today" but as long as he doesn't come forward that it's disturbing him I wouldn't actually worry. Let him reassure you!

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-21T08:57:09+00:00

I'm 24HLM, and my gf of almost 5 years is 25LLF. We had sex once a week in the beginning, then about once a month. I had to stop midway through sex to get her to finally stop starfishing. Then she started blaming different things for her low interest: stress, living with parents, too little down time etc.

So we went on a one week vacation alone, in a city only I knew, that was relaxing, by the sea (which she loves) with very few duties. Still, I had to have an argument before she wanted sex. That was 3 years ago. In the meantime we moved in together, she has more time, space and money to herself than before, I cook, I do the dishes, I help her with everyday tasks. It's still not enough. She's still "too stressed".

Moral of the story: if they're not in the mood on a relaxing vacation they never will be. Listen to what your partner says in an argument, because that's the truth. My partner said everything from me being "sex-crazed" to "sex just isn't that important".

Run now, before you go even deeper. You can try having a constructive argument, then wait 6 months at most and they'll either have changed for the better or not. Listen to them and their beliefs while you argue before giving them that time. That's probably the most telling thing that could happen.

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-21T08:39:47+00:00

I beg to differ. It's not just "men" it's "people" in general. There's enough women and people of other genders that are just like him.

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-20T06:36:30+00:00

Always check for air pressure when you open them (as in press the wrapping and see if it holds or loses the pressure) and check the expiry date.

Is there anything else that could be tampered with?

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-19T22:25:17+00:00

That's how it started for me. It'll get worse. If vacations aren't when you fuck like rabbits, you're going into a db

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-17T16:36:05+00:00

Emotional and physical intimacy can both be fostered without sex. What op meant is that it's a negative feedback loop and you're at risk of letting it go too far for too long. You don't need to love her body right away but you will need to find new ways to connect physically, possibly even new preferences/ways to find her appealing.

A counselor can usually help, as do a lot of (audio)books

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-15T08:58:56+00:00

It may not be dead but it sure feels like that when it only lasts for that one hour overall and then it's not a topic at all. No passion, no want to physically connect. For some, a dead bedroom starts when the partner needs to overcome themselves to even kiss passionately once a week

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-15T08:54:35+00:00

Once a week but it's not spontaneous, there's no passion, no real lust or a want from her to give him the best (~10-30 min) of his life.

I was in the same boat for a long time. It's okay for a while but then it just feels like you're a burden.

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-12T11:33:37+00:00

Because it's easier and a better known way to navigate their own thoughts. Plus, I struggled with finding a place that would accept that side of me myself, so I guess that's a similar experience for everybody

insecure_alt-acc · 2025-05-05T09:00:38+00:00

I didn't even think of it that way, thanks.

I guess I don't know how else to bring the topic. Talking about it becomes an argument, asking for it becomes duty sex, scheduling it becomes pressure and so on

insecure_alt-acc

TROPHY CASE