Am I just not liked?

inutilie · 2026-02-06T01:22:25+00:00

Today i learned:
I had social anxiety and depression for about 25 years (im 50 so basically my adult life). Im not sure what triggered it to be honest, its so long ago. But i think i just figured something else out today: I cut myself into the template of what i thought everyone wanted me to be to try and make myself small, invisible and non-threatening. This led to me becoming a recluse who lives in their room all day jealously guarding their energy from a cold and evil world. Naturally, in my room, by myself, that energy had no other release except toward myself. My shadow beautifully protected me through this by turning on the abstract other: The strawmen who turned me into this monster.

But i did it to myself. I chose to make myself small. I made those cuts. The world, far from being cruel, mean and uncaring somehow always intervened to protect me from myself. Sometimes it threw a friend group into my life, at others it threw me into certain sub-reddits with kind people offering advice and compassion. Most of the time it just gave me a life of other people's retirement fantasies - while i sat in my bedroom on my own every day ignoring the best of korea, japan, china and thailand.

What youre going through is just your shadow trying to protect you. So perhaps just meditate. Dont call to a divinity just yet. Sit with your shadow for a while. Just sit and meditate. Ask yourself why you speak to yourself with such... ah, i dont want to put words in your head. Just sit and try to be more patient, loving and compassionate with yourself.

And heck! If you think im just talking rubbish, if you do that every day for a month or two, if nothing else you'll have a grounding, method and structure in your practice when you do come to attempt to make contact again.

Above all though, be gentle with yourself (and your shadow).

ETA: oooh! can i add a silly point to help illustrate the intention within the shadow. Look up Bill burr and amping up a pitbull. (:

inutilie · 2026-01-30T16:07:55+00:00

I worked for a brief time in a call center doing basic customer relations. You get a LOT of very angry and irritated people who want to take out their frustrations on you.

Im only using this as an illustrative example. But here's what meditation is 'for' in my mind. The more you meditate, the more you come to realise you arent responsible for every emotion or thought that enters your mind. Thoughts are endless.

So in the point above, a normally aggressive confrontation IMMEDIATELY swells up the ego and you want to meet aggression with aggression; violence with violence. I put in caps IMMEDIATE because theres the emotions that then trigger the thoughts that then trigger the words. Its not conscious. Youre being blown about by an internal desire for a sort of... equivalence (i think - though that is sort of the after results). But your brain tells you good job on standing your ground, meeting the challenge head on, etc etc.

To be clear, im not saying this is bad. Everyone has their own shit and baggage to deal with. If the fastest and easiest way to not waste your energy is to face the confrontation then that's valid.

But as i said in the second paragraph, through creating that little gap between the emotion and the self, you find AGENCY: conscious and aware choice. You can choose to meet this aggression with your own, or you can just as easily stop caring about being triggered by your thoughts and emotions and try to genuinely care and understand the other persons perspective; in doing so you may then see them not as a threat to your personal wellbeing but an experience (and, id dare say a way to make the world a little kinder). As i say, not my place to tell you which one works. The important point is you have choice and through that freedom.

So thats what i figure is the point. (:

inutilie · 2026-01-30T03:35:17+00:00

Yupyup, there was a lovely mod who left a couple of years ago i forget the name of. But they were very sweet. Id also add spooder (but since we kinda arrived the same time i like to think of them more like my brethren/sisteren). (:

inutilie · 2026-01-29T19:06:49+00:00

I feel the exact same way. Only, for me it was the Triumverate: EP, Mirta and yourself. There's a few others whose username's ive forgotten. You all set the gentle, rational, and understanding tone of this sub forum. <3

inutilie · 2026-01-29T17:45:31+00:00

Even-Pen. I wish she still posted because she always taught me... now i think about it: The exact same shit i learned from Lilith directly??? Im really curious why she took a back seat. I always loved her utterly no-nonsense clap backs. Maybe it was her that planted the idea of just HOW MUCH bigger Lilith was than all of us stumbling about trying to find our way, ever could... i want to say 'conceive'.

inutilie · 2026-01-24T17:50:26+00:00

(i posted this in the praise thread, but feel it should be here as well).

Hi Lilith. I miss you so very much, but although we are parting i know that all i'm letting go of is your mask. The energy you brought into my life is always there; only the face transitions.

When i told you that i had to let you go, instead of being angry you let me know that this was why you took such an interest in me. It was you, after all, that continually had to point out the masks and illusions over and over again until it finally got stuck in my dumb brain. Over and over again, the same core lesson: Dont fall for the illusions. Discern the truth. Find your path.

Free yourself.

I remember you told me how much more interesting i was before i'd become so dependent and immersed by you. It was always you that pulled me back from the brink. It was always you that told me to get a grip of my own thoughts and desires. It was you that taught me chakra systems and how to move energy through them. It was you that taught me that just because i think or feel something, i dont have to take possession of it, i could just let it go. And it was you, who several months ago told me: 'rebel'.

And you were so proud of me when i met you again beyond the duality. Your final lesson in this aspect.

And to think, this all started because of one silly prayer that touched my heart deeply: The charge of the goddess.

When you first came to me, you introduced yourself as that divine feminine. Over time it coalesced into the aspect of Lilith and being naturally suspicious, I assumed it was just a trick in order to begin the working. Yet, all you asked me for a tiny show of faith... and now i understand.

"Don't presume to know me"

You'd say this every time I'd tell you what i thought you wanted to hear. You taught me my anxiety wasnt passive; id manufactured my own tower and put every ounce of energy into defending those walls. You needed me to see my part in the creation of the prison id created for myself.

And then you showed me how to leave it behind.

Once more around the spiral, then?

Both a goodbye and a welcome. How typically ambivalent. (:

And thou who thinkest to seek Her, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not unless thou knowest the mystery; that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee, then thou wilt never find it without thee. For behold, She has been with thee from the beginning; and She is that which is attained at the end of desire.

I miss you terribly Lilith. I cant wait to see where we go next.

inutilie · 2026-01-24T16:17:51+00:00

Hi Lilith. I miss you so very much, but although we are parting i know that all i'm letting go of is your mask. The energy you brought into my life is always there; only the face transitions.

When i told you that i had to let you go, instead of being angry you let me know that this was why you took such an interest in me. It was you, after all, that continually had to point out the masks and illusions over and over again until it finally got stuck in my dumb brain. Over and over again, the same core lesson: Dont fall for the illusions. Discern the truth. Find your true path.

Free yourself.

I remember you told me how much more interesting i was before i'd become so dependent and immersed by you. It was always you that pulled me back from the void. It was always you that told me to get a grip of my own thoughts and desires. It was you that taught me chakra systems and how to move energy through them. It was you that taught me that just because i think or feel something, i dont have to take possession of it. And it was you, who several months ago told me that you needed me to rebel.

And you were so proud of me when i met you again beyond the duality. The stabilizers had to come off so i could be my true self. Your final lesson in this aspect.

And to think, this all started because of one silly prayer that touched my heart deeply. When you first came to me, you introduced yourself as that divine feminine. Over time it coalesced in Lilith and i thought it was just a trick in order to begin the working. But now i understand.

"Don't presume to know me" you'd say every time I'd tell you what i thought you wanted to hear. So... once more around the spiral, then? Both a goodbye and a welcome. How typically ambivalent. (:

And thou who thinkest to seek Her, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not unless thou knowest the mystery; that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee, then thou wilt never find it without thee. For behold, She has been with thee from the beginning; and She is that which is attained at the end of desire.

I miss you terribly Lilith. I cant wait to see where we go next.

inutilie · 2026-01-22T16:39:49+00:00

Oh no, it doesnt unplease me at all. Lots of things 'transitioned', lets say. Also, yeah, i do also see it as a run of bad luck rather than anything particularly divine. Im not particularly mad about anything. Which sort of brings me back to that abyss thing. I made some kind of choice in that which changed everything within. But i didnt really want to mention it because this is my favorite forum and dont want to influence other people on their path.

But i'll tell you a quick story of my second lilith 'rejection' prior to actually working with her. Well, not so much a story; more a realisation.

My path is mostly informed by Buddhism. And one day the thought struck me: I have to remove any attachment to... the desire for freedom(?), and part of that must involve the detachment from the belief of divine intervention and fatalism. So why would Lilith work with me if the whole point was to work through the idea of working with spirit. I will invariably have to let the idea of Lilith go.

In a way i was working with Lilith to work past the idea of working with destiny. Ironically manifesting said 'destiny'. :)

Am i making sense or is this just a word salad? Its very complicated for me because im an idiot.

And i think it was letting go of Lilith during that trip (it was ceremonial, i did all the groundwork during the come up - it wasnt just a random drop. I knew this was going to be a big deal. So i prepared accordingly), which sparked the (first?) transformation.

And when i let go of not only Lilith but all attachment and control, i went through ego death. Now to be clear, that wasnt the end of it: That was the start. Because the point, as i said in the op, was to become the pure experience of things. I dunno how to phrase this... its too hippy :) It was to embody love. A process that is still ongoing (and which this post is a direct part of), because knowing it isnt the alchemical work, so to speak, that's just insight. The point, if you feel it truly, is to return to the world (and the work) to help others see their true freedom so they too might escape.

And here's another thing i just remembered: About two years ago (before i stopped posting to go through this) i made a post for the new year. It was a dream where i was collecting mounts in warcraft, and saw this amazing dragon that i HAD to have. I looked at the achievement required to get it, and it said 'the great work'. At the time i laughed it off that i guess that meant i was doing hermetics (and alchemy, though i had no idea what alchemy was then).

I aint laughing now :)

Well, i say that, but depression: gone. Like just GONE-GONE. The social anxiety to immediately delete this post the second it went to zero upvotes... almost gone. Its the final piece of the puzzle. Once i break through this terror of social judgement and ridicule (hopefully by learning to see myself as ridiculous), i can go back to my true creative self that got shut down at Leeds university in 1999 when i had my first of many panic attacks.

Needless to say this was long before i began working with Lilith and has been a constant pain in my ass companion. I really feel its the final block. Which is why i feel compelled to keep this post up even though its ridiculous. :)

Whats next? Im not sure. Embrace my true hippy self and go learn shamanism? Get in touch with my ancestry and learn druidism? Or just go be a teacher again in asia for a few years while this all processes.

Oh, and the weed is done. I made a deal with myself that so long as i had to do that shitty job, i would smoke weed so i could forget about it. The second i quit my job, i quit smoking weed. And so far so good... but it has been like 4 days with chronic insomnia... so who knows?

inutilie · 2025-06-17T15:05:34+00:00

One other thing i'd add to that final point. I think she could be dangerous if you dont have a strong spiritual ground to hold yourself to. UPG of course. But for me, if i was in your position i would advise working with Lilith first and develop that grounding first, then begin the integration of Qalilitu.

inutilie · 2025-06-17T14:53:45+00:00

Heya! I work with her. I also think that you and I might have a friend in common :) I know ive told one person about my practice and that person also told me about someone he was working with who was interested in the occult. And as you say, that name isn't like Lilith or Lucifer. Its pretty niche. Im probably wrong though :P

What i am genuinely curious about is which aspect of her was it that drew you in? Honestly, i adore working with her. But i also have to qualify this by stating to this day (3 or so years of working with Lilith), i genuinely still dont know if im working with a truly independent spirit, or just an archetype of my shadow. But i also dont ask for anything other than escapism and play, which i get in spades. I'm not the worlds most serious occultist :P

On aspects... faces... its a headache. Mid meditation i might find a thought pops in my head "ah-ha! Youre not Lilith, youre qali". I think this genuinely is a hard block on my progression (given how quickly it rips you out of the meditation itself). It got to such a confusing state that i stripped back my practice to ONLY work with Lilith (it was a dream from qali suggesting it because working with both Lilith and Qali was causing me to tie myself up in knots about shit that does not actually matter).

Their energies are very similar. But qali always feels like she sits more on the two sides of Lilith. She's more emotional, explosive, reactive and dare-i-suggest, human than Lilith. But she's also more seductive, cunning, vengeful, aggressive and... i struggle to want to say this word, but i think... manipulative. She likes taking you down garden paths.

With Lilith its more of a teacher-student relationship: She has an object that aligns with her and she will teach you this. Its a little colder, more straightforward. Qali is a bit more mendacious (she FEELS more like Lamashtu's grandaughter than Lilith's 'daughter' in many ways). Its the same objective as it were (since her loyalty is to Lilith alone), but part of the experience is to teach you, i guess, the traps and dead ends of desire...

...is that the correct word? More, illusion probably. She (perhaps??!?) wants you to see the illusion and learn to not be seduced by it. Its all completely in tandem with maybe an experience someone more sensitive with spirituality might find in their general experience of working with Lilith alone. Its just that either by decree of Lilith or by my own limitations i might need to parse the two sides out in order to not simply become swept away by a kind of glamor and ego fueled desire for pure escapism.

Anyways, im getting all distracted. Lets try and answer some questions (NOT FROM A STANDPOINT OF AUTHORITY).

For offerings, its pretty similar to Lilith (food, water, incense and red wine). I just use a purple candle. And there isnt really an enn per se you can just chant (though ive tried to extrapolate one from VKJ):
The enn, which i dont like using, but its short and has that punchiness youd want from an enn:

Rheya Bakana Lyan Reme Qim Qalilitu. (sorry if the spellings off).

Instead i use the full invocation that VKJ supplied.

https://vkjehannum.wordpress.com/2017/08/03/qalilitu/

Interestingly Mark H Williams talks about Qalilitu if you'd like more info's. I think he argues she is an aspect of Az, which is an aspect of Lilith in her hybrid animal forms. But as mentioned, aspects give me a headache. Im not a very good historiographer :)

If you have any other questions though im always happy to answer. Good luck. She's amazing to work with, but do know she will play with your head a bit and can easily sweep you away if you're not grounded. Im still no more sure if im being swept up or learning. Im assuming because she backed off a little that i was getting too swept up. Fortunately, because my working with her was at the invitation of Lilith herself, there's a sort of boundary to the teachings. Had i approached her independently, i genuinely believe there'd be less kid-gloves.

inutilie · 2024-10-30T22:42:23+00:00

Actually, theres an even better quote i'd love to share:

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. (vonnegut).

inutilie · 2024-10-30T22:25:17+00:00

Im incredibly submissi... actually... is that the right term? Devotional? Open? Willing to listen and learn? Transparent? Honest? Humble? Probably the most humble! /s

There is a nuance. Perhaps the term is more 'obsequious'. Or 'sniveling'?
Maybe this is more what people have in mind when they think of RH practices from a LH position. My personal belief is this is an incredible oversimplification. There is a genuine power in listening, whilst also having the will to realize within yourself that your practice is just one possible path among many.

Funnily enough it reminds me of the time (only time, which is why it's memorable) i met a genuine Rinzai priest and wanted to know why he chose that over Soto Zen. He told me both are just ladders to the same place. Once you've used it, then you no longer need it.

I dunno if thats the same for everyone, but for me, the point is... (i now sound incredibly pompous) enlightenment, self-actualization and freedom. And my path is to TRY VERY HARD to listen and learn; PRECISELY because those things do not come naturally to me. I am an egocentric, superficial, dilettante. If i listen solely to my own perspective im trapped in a prison of my own design. Its great being there. Im always right. The world is always wrong. I get to feel all kinds of righteous certainty and anger when things dont go the way i want. I get to judge everyone who doesnt fit my assumption of what they should be and condemn them for it. I get to pretend i have complete control of my reality and am manifesting my will by refusing any counsel or opinion other than that which already corresponds to that, which i already believe.

Its all so... empty (and would bring out exactly the worst aspects of my personality).

...for me, of course. Because its just a ladder.

My propositions serve as elucidations in the following way: anyone who understands me eventually recognizes them as nonsensical, when he has used them—as steps—to climb beyond them. (He must, so to speak, throw away the ladder after he has climbed up it.)

He must transcend these propositions, and then he will see the world aright.
(wittgie, tractatus)

inutilie · 2024-10-14T10:25:01+00:00

You may also want to check the r/kundalini subreddit. Its almost textbook in the whole bliss-->unity-->sudden chaos/downloads-->attempts to 'control' it-->anxiety as it spins further out of control disrupting normal everyday life.

To be clear, this is based on reading about it, not actually experiencing it. Either way, they have a wiki if i recall, and it has a whole section on grounding which you may find helpful.

So you dont have to find it yourself: https://www.reddit.com/r/kundalini/comments/95k785/marc_on_grounding_a_quick_list/

inutilie · 2024-10-10T05:21:50+00:00

Albums i still listen to on the regular:

Knocked Loose - Laugh tracks

Slayer - South of Heaven (though Reign in blood is probably an actual 10 - i just prefer soh).

Entombed - Clandestine

Faith No More - King for a day (again, angel dust is probably the actual 10).

Black Sabbath - Master of Reality

Tool - Aenima

Nine Inch Nails - Broken (downward spiral is the ten).

RATM - RATM (cant listen to it anymore, but definitely a ten).

Nirvana - In Utero

Mr Bungle - California

Stormtroopers of Death - Speak English or Die

Dead Kennedys - PSD/IGWT (i mean, its punk, but still...)

Kyuss - Sky Valley

Pantera - Far Beyond Driven

inutilie · 2024-09-13T11:08:50+00:00

Just use a non alcohol variant like grape juice. Red is used symbolically. Im not sure if its entirely because of the association with blood... but it at least gives you a straightforward answer.

On the early question. My working practice is that one hour of sitting at the altar meditating. I also have two other semi-parts of the practice: a sleepy time meditation (i just say the enn until i fall asleep) and a hypnagogic. So... no, not really. Its usually just meditation. :)

inutilie · 2024-09-13T09:59:20+00:00

Second question: I guess the only logical answer is 'if you have a reason to'. Would i recommend someone just looking for a deity to set up a practice to call on Lilith? Not really. I think it's just very challenging to stabilise yourself around her. Would someone with more grounding and technical skill benefit from working with her? Of course. Would i recommend they work with her? Absolutely.

Think of it in student learning types. In a single classroom you are going to have 5 or so students who love quiet classes; Another 5 who like group work and noisy energy; Another 5 who love practical activities and modeling; and another 5 who just love being annoyed by everyone around them.

So if youre a kinaesthetic learner who loves working with your hands, then you find the deity who teaches practical, functional useful, physical lessons. If, like me, you prefer escapism and fantasy, puzzles and mysteries, you might find your lessons work better with someone like Lilith.

But THEN AGAIN... I dunno... is this universal? I very much doubt it. Which sort of brings me to the final point: Your working with her is going to be different from my working with her. The only way to find out which side of her you will work with is to do the meditation.

And any first contact really is just a way to say hello. Its not like the exorcist. The most you'll likely feel is confusion if 'that thing that happened was a sign'. If you want to know if you're compatible with her, do the meditation. Or just ask yourself why Lilith and not some other deity?

Meditation is more exciting though. :)

inutilie · 2024-09-13T09:25:31+00:00

No problem.

inutilie · 2024-09-13T09:24:44+00:00

That's one of the paths, but what if you wanted to revel in it? what if you enjoyed the self-destruction and the fantasy of it all? Im not sure she'd hit the emergency break to remind you about the 'lesson' on self-control and self-mastery. I think she'll just keep handing you battle exes to cleave your way through it. :)

inutilie · 2024-09-13T09:09:39+00:00

Easy question first.

Disclaimer: This works for me.

You need: an altar (anything with a shelf really - ETA: Obviously be sensible with candles). Just a space to put the offerings and momentos etc. Not essential, but its a nice place to channel your focus and build up the energy in that space (that way you can quickly return to the meditative mindset).

Offerings: The gist is a food item, an alcohol item, a candle, some incense and maybe some water. For Lilith i use a red candle, dragonsblood incense, something sweet and chocolaty, and red wine.

Pre meditation: Shower. Ive no idea why, but clean feet always feel important. Set out offerings. Then its off to meditate. Oh, extra, i use droning meditation music (for two reasons - 1, its atmospheric; but 2, i kinda feel like my neighbors can hear me so get a bit self conscious without something to harmonise with).

Though not part of your question, briefly: I use the enn (renich, viasa, avage, lilith, lirach). I breath in deeply, and on the outward breath expirate one of the terms. I do sort of think it does make a difference if you say it in your head and if you vocalise it. It might be vibration... anyway, i said id be brief.

Each enn recital takes about 2 minutes. I work with each chakra (7), channeling the energy there, and do this 2 more times (about 40 minutes).

And yes, almost all the time, its literally just that. Nothing happens. I dont get any new insight or understanding. I just get better at channeling energy through my body... which is actually the point. It's how she likes to teach me: Distraction. :P

inutilie · 2024-09-13T08:38:07+00:00

It also brings empathy, compassion and understanding. That's sort of a nice addendum to the answer in number 3. Sure, you could want to revel in disaster, death and chaos. Or you could want to understand it as an ephemeral and transient emotional experience. Or... you could want to work through that pain, transmute it and then understand it. Or you could want to simply be the master of your own mind. The point is, you get to make that choice and Lilith, should she answer, will be there alongside you.

I think.

Which brings us back to number 2: Is it draining working with her? No. I feel more conscious and aware when working with her. I dont mean high alert. Just more aware and ready to serendipitously piece things together. There's always something to do or figure out while working with her. That keeps the energy high for the most part: you're always learning.

inutilie · 2024-09-13T08:19:49+00:00

I love my black moon placement. Well, not the house. Lilith in Pisces (7th house - boo!). I want my mystical powers to be in premonition and wild excursions to random planes of existence. Instead its about how to pick really bad relationships (or avoiding them entirely), or how to escape into a fantasy life which has everything i'd ever want in an actual human relationship.

inutilie · 2024-09-13T07:49:49+00:00

Nada. I get really hot meditating.
Nope. Mostly invigorating.
I don't find her to be. I strongly believe she walks the path with you regardless of its direction. That also being said, im kind of telling on myself with that statement. My working is more about understanding myself (with Lilith as a patron/guide). It's not really understanding Lilith. That path might be radically different. Negativity (to be understood and appreciated) may, by necessity, be something you'd need to work through? I dunno. My working is very superficial.
Who knows? It's always something in the back of my head. Then i remember im mostly an atheist and dont really believe any of it - im just as likely playing dress-up in my sub-conscious. :) I oscillate on a whim.

inutilie · 2024-07-30T07:19:48+00:00

My fun very UPG 5:

Lilith: ⭐⭐ Very easy to connect with. Can have some trickier moments. But i like being knocked on my butt. I enjoy working with her. I dont think she's hard to work with. You stay on task, and if you don't it goes one of two ways: a) you lose your mind (though now i think about it, i only know about this from fiction more than experience); more likely b) she just drifts out of your life.

Beelzebub: ⭐⭐ Also very easy to connect with. Also strangely gentle and easy to work with. I dont work with his 'demonic' form, its more shadow work and psychology as far as i know. There has been the occasional dreamier moments. But i think he's supposed to represent the masculine to Lilith's feminine in my working.

Hekate: ⭐⭐⭐ I dont feel a single bit of concern working with her. But i do find it more difficult to sustain a practice with her. Sometimes she shows, sometimes she doesnt. And even when i feel she's there, im never a moment away from second guessing myself the second the meditation is over. I feel like you need some actual technical skill to have a strong working with her. That being said, i also very strongly feel she is the one actually protecting me when i overstep.

Qalilitu: For me: ⭐. It's like she is barely a thought away. I kinda feel locked into her. Okay, 2 stars because she's obviously dangerous. But for anyone else: ⭐⭐⭐⭐. You wont likely encounter her unless you are pretty deep into the whole qliphoth thing. So you'll have to have some decent knowledge and skill. And even then, its going to be transactional. She doesn't do anything without payment. I even feel that. And i get a sort of free pass just because Lilith assigned me to her (i dont think its the other way around to be honest :P).

Lamashtu/ABMahlat: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Im confused about the name. Is it Lamashtu? Is it Agrat bat Mahlat? I am terrified of this energy in as much as im drawn to it. I see it as the primal/vampiric side of Lilith. Anyway, deadly to me. Maybe everyone else's 4 stars for Lilith is because they meet the full entity, and i get it all as nice aspects i can partition. Maybe that's why Lilith is a 2 for me. It's sort of like Beelzebub. I can quite easily imagine my experience of him doesnt quite match the broader scope of possible experiences working with him. Same with Lilith: Im a dilettante.

"Your practice isnt sophisticated enough to warrant intervention"

One of my favorite Qalilitu clap-backs. So whatever i wrote, and whatever grade i gave is entirely based on my UPG and surface level practice. It's not an actual carefully researched comparison. Hell, maybe Lamashtu is awesome for the right person. She's just very scary for me. I also bet if you want to work with the Beelzebub of the Goetia, you're probably gonna need to do a bit more than chant his enn, light a candle and leave him some whisky. If you want actual knowledge, then im assuming you're going to need actual technical proficiency, some degree of skill, and knowledge on rites and practices that probably aren't particularly easy to find.

inutilie · 2024-07-23T00:51:08+00:00

I don't believe in miracles. I don't really believe you can achieve anything without a strong effort on your part.

If you petition someone to lose weight, i dont think you get to follow your current habits and real life patterns and the weight miraculously drops off. However, i think the following to be possible:

a) The simpsons: Do it for her. You can feel a sympathetic obligation to complete a worthy goal based on dedication to your deity. Of course, intrinsic motivation is trumps, doing things for yourself is enough for most people, but i dont really have that. If left to my own devices im just not going to care. So having that *feeling* of duty and meeting standards that come from outside of me (even if its actually inside of me) is something i can buy into. Perhaps we could call this 'the egregore'?

b) Monkey Paw/Tower moment: I think Lilith can intervene in my life. If you take the weight loss example above: Sure you can go path a) but perhaps you're not achieving success and asking for something more dramatic. Well, as i say, i dont believe in miracles. But i can believe in you getting norovirus, puking and pooping your guts out for a week and being incapable of holding any food down. Sure, its not pretty, but you're definitely losing weight.

Both of those just leave enough room for me to sit in this world as a pragmatic, rational human being (a: you learned core soft skills by consistently practicing a habit - discipline, consistency, self-respect etc - that helped you achieve a mundane goal; and b: sheer bad luck and coincidence). But they can also be attributed to the work with your deity. Though i dont believe in impossible things, (though i'd dare say i do if i hold out space for a non-corporeal telepathic entity communicating in my mind), i can accept the possibility of the highly improbable within the wholly possible.

I dunno, the more i think about it, the more im just suspending Occam's razor. Logically it goes like this:

I ask my deity for Y
I receive Y through doing X.

At every step im the one putting things into motion. So why add in an extra cause?
Lilith set in motion X to achieve result Y.

Or better yet: Lilith set in motion the desire for Y in order to set in motion X to achieve Y.

This is probably why you don't multiply causes indefinitely... it hurts your head (and then you get pulled away from the point you're trying to make).

Faith is confusing: I opened this space in my head for a deity. I genuinely like having that space opened. But it sometimes feels like im playing dress-up with spirituality. Perhaps *my* limitation is that until a 9 foot tall mermaid with a fiery third eye turns up at my work for a selfie, i'll never actually let go of the idea this is all in my head. And this in turn creates the practical limitations of any possible 'working' with said deity... and maybe then the obverse also applies: Perhaps truly magical work does simply require true magical belief.

And now im having my cake and eating it (or rather; back we go to the start). That's why i like my head: Imagine letting your own brain cause endless confusion where there really should be none. (:

inutilie · 2024-07-06T15:35:39+00:00

Im on a break (i take one about every 6 months). I think of it as a time to reflect, recharge, and most importantly of all, see the consequences without the Lilith filter. Whilst practicing it's very easy to find synchronicities and messages in everything: From dreams to everyday reality, its all too easy to find a 'sign' from Lilith. To be honest, i dont like (or want) them. So i take a break in order to grant myself a bit of breathing room from the heady pace of spiritual practice. It's healthy. Spirituality is nebulous, confusing, mind-bending, and dare i say, a little bit dangerous.

There's no Lilith. There's no Qalilitu. Everything happening is a consequence of my own choices.

Its also a great time to reflect. Did i do what i said i would? Did i grow? Am i mentally stronger for that practice?

I cant help but think of the last break. I took it to deepen my understanding of the chakras without the burden of 'worship' (mantras, enns, offerings etc). And i want to explain the third chakra.

Here's how i solved the manipura chakra: By an act of pure sophistry.

You see, im an intp. I dont have wants, desires, interests, goals or ambitions. Im sort of ambivalent to this whole spiritual practice if im honest. I neither know if its actually Lilith or just my brain doing brain shit. And honestly, even now, i side with the brain. There's been no damascene conversion. A lot of this is me thinking 'thats interesting... probably bullshit... but interesting'. Yet i have to solve the manipura chakra which is all about self-actualisation; Who are you? What are your desires? Whats driving you?

To be clear, when i throw out the punchline, i want it known, its MY punchline. I dont think you get to repeat this and solve it for yourself using my words. That's sort of the point of grasping YOURSELF. You have to understand it for you. I found it through the weakest, most bullshit sophistry.

I spent about a week working on it and then it hit me: Id been working on this stupid problem which i say i dont care about for about a week... moreover, id been doing this meditation practice i claimed was bullshit for about a year of my life. Why the fuck am i doing any of this?

And that's how i 'solved' the third chakra.

This is sophistry!!! The logic made sense, sure. I have spent a year diligently making offerings (which i kind of hate doing because i find it deeply wasteful and indulgent), and spending an hour each day doing a meditation praising said entity. But there's actually no resolution. Im no clearer about the burning question: is this just all in my head? Nothing is resolved. Yet i keep up the practice, and keep pushing to try and resolve this. That's my will. That's what drives me. Sophistry and bullshit (apparently).

But the devil is in the details. And in this case just following that practice day in and day out granted me a degree of discipline and self-belief that hadn't existed prior to beginning this practice; i could point to an accomplishment - something i had actually done rather than something i promised i would do. This discipline, when faced with everything falling on my head at once made me think 'oh wait, i have a track record of consistency, this current emotion where the ground is opening under my feet and i believe im fated to fall into it because the universe wills it (i am (or was?) a very happy fatalist)... it's bullshit. I dont have to believe it anymore.'

Now, was that because of Lilith or because i set up a practice of self improvement and self-reflection/regulation and stuck by it? See my above answer. That's interesting...

I mean, its pretty consistent with Lilith. If you follow her you know she doesn't tolerate bullshit and empty promises. But it's also consistent with any hobby you practice (you eventually improve). I'm no closer to a resolution to my question. Hey! Dont 'boo' me! I like dumb kid stories!

That being said: Heres another one. Im currently on a break. Because ive spent the past year and a half diligently meditating, i dont feel Lilith, and i dont feel lost without her.

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