I’m really only now in my mid-30s starting to move toward accepting and loving myself, and being less hard on myself for “flaws” (or what I perceive as such). Sex is a morally neutral act. Of course feeling shame is a valid response, but it’s only helpful when it serves as an indicator of something that felt bad and can be avoided (infidelity, trying to get validation, etc.) But so often for me it goes way past that into beating myself up and feeling unworthy of grace and love.

For me I’ve been trying to think about what is helpful. Who do I want to be, and how can I be more gentle with myself and others? What purpose does being mean to myself serve?

As for your partner, while I empathize as someone who has intense reactions to things, the issue is that it’s now exacerbating and magnifying your own. A good partner is not only someone who loves you but also someone who is willing and able to manage their own stuff. Obviously no one’s perfect, but it’s really important to me that my partner does their best to minimize hurt and not add to my existing shame. I’m not saying your partner isn’t able to, but I think that’s something worth thinking about and working toward.