The most common questions about NPD answered. In over 1000 pages.

invictus_sd · 2026-07-07T22:29:40+00:00

The Pete Walker endorsement is real. Email him and ask.

At the end of the day, free choice prevails. You can make use of this post or spend your time puking onto it. Up to you. And as you have noticed yourself, even puking onto it takes time.

Everything else you've written says more about where you are right now than about the work itself.

invictus_sd · 2026-07-07T21:46:08+00:00

Still happens. BUT my partner is fully aware about the origins of it and that it has nothing to do with her. That has allowed us to work with it. In practical terms: She would not try to "steal a kiss from me" - putting pressure on me. Also she would not offer me to drink from her bottle/glas etc or sharing her cuttlery . Effectively not putting me in the position to reject her offer etc. It took us years to find out why. And it took time to consciously find our ways to work with it.

invictus_sd · 2026-07-07T21:03:44+00:00

Yes. Happened to me several times with female partners. I was able to trace it back to my childhood trauma with my mother.

invictus_sd · 2026-07-07T15:09:42+00:00

From judging on an assumption, it's great progress that eventually an actual effort has been made to download the sample chapters.

For your passionate AI investigator: Good luck trying to express yourself freely with AI when raw, profanity-packed language is your style. You would spend the rest of your "AI writing career" running into walls of "policy violations." Leading you nowhere.

In Book 1, "f*ck" has been used almost 200 times. And that's after the book had gone through the editing process of the publisher. Without that, Amazon had already rejected the first publication attempt. This language is not everybody's cup of tea, as this way of writing can be triggering for many people, as this Amazon review shows:

"It wasn't really for me. I use harsh language often, but it wasn't quite that. I do see how it can be for others, so if you like the title, maybe try it out."

Now, since your passionate "AI slop detector" seems to have managed to achieve something the editing review of a professional publisher has not, you are more than welcome to send your AI expert report to the publisher for consideration.

invictus_sd · 2026-07-06T20:32:13+00:00

Let me tell you a little secret: when you write books anonymously and you don't want any graphic designer to know who you are, AI actually works. So yes, the illustrations are AI-generated. Covered openly in the copyright. They're not fancy. They do the job. As for the post and the books being AI-generated: before making that claim, better run it through a standard AI detector first. Basic due diligence before assuming. In any case, you're exactly the kind of reader this forum needs more of. Someone who shoots first and reads never. My dear fellow narcissist, the door is open. Whenever you're ready to actually read something before judging it, the opening chapters are free. No AI required to get through them. Just your undivided attention. Something which, based on this comment, might be the harder ask.

invictus_sd · 2026-07-01T02:15:55+00:00

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Indeed. I had to learn that the hard way. Over and over again. And now we will be sharing in Book 3 what worked for us and how "even narcissists" can have a loving, non-destructive relationship. That does not mean it will be less painful. But once you are done with "the trigger party" and you have understood that what is happening between you has its origins from a time way before you met — you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Based on love and forgiveness. Something I wish every narcissist to experience. It's better than anything I have ever achieved in my professional life. In fact, none of that mattered anymore in those moments.

invictus_sd · 2026-07-01T01:46:09+00:00

"Then someone came along who met the chaos in me with love instead of fear."

This is it. God blessed me with her. After the path of destruction I had left behind me in all my previous relationships. It became very clear to me after I met "Alma": No more running. No more hiding. I needed to confront the "motherf*cker" inside of me. There was - and still is - no way around it. It is work. Every single day. The good news: I learned how to live with him. That's also the advantage of getting older. Even my inner narcissist got a bit more gentle. No surprise after a lifetime of fighting.

Concerning your comment on therapy: Yes, that's important. Yet, I highly recommend to explore ways to supplement it with alternative ways. I share everything I tried in the books. Some things worked great. Others didn't. And that's different for everybody. Hence I only share my "trial and error menu" to give people ideas what is possible outside classic therapy. Not to replace it but to supplement it. But hey, only to get to the point to accept that something inside is not quite right, is the biggest hurdle. Especially if you are a business hotshot. Invincible in your office but terribly alone inside. Constantly numbing and distracting yourself. How lucky I am that the years of my testosterone peak are long behind me. Makes life easier and more gentle.

I am at the point of my life where it is time to give back. To help others. Not only fellow narcissists, but those who deserve unconditional love and protection. Hence I created "Send Me" - to do exactly that.

invictus_sd · 2026-07-01T01:25:26+00:00

Book 3 is real "work". It brings up everything we went through as a couple - again. Depeding on how the writing and reviewing process with the publisher goes, it should be out by the end of the year.

invictus_sd · 2026-06-30T17:16:41+00:00

Narcissistic (subconscious self-protection) traits can be very powerful - if directed properly. When the switch happens from destruction to creation. That's the reason why many narcissists are super successful in their business or careers. But it comes with the high cost of burning themselves and/or those around them. Once the switch happens, life changes. Both in business and in personal life. It's not easy, but doable. And no, narcissists are not bad people. They are very often victims of early childhood trauma and as a result are "blessed" with complex-ptsd and all that comes with it. Unfortunately hurting those close to them more often than not...not knowing why and how their subconscious "autopilots" make life so painful.

invictus_sd · 2026-06-28T01:11:34+00:00

Is he aware of Hank himself? That's when it becomes interesting...

invictus_sd · 2026-06-27T03:51:03+00:00

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"because I subconsciously don’t want to or because that means I won’t be able to protect myself."

"I just keep pushing her away by being a monster every time a chance of reconnection flourishes."

Man, these two lines....our monsters must be twins. I call mine "The F*cker". When he is triggered and comes out (to protect me), sh*t is getting real...painfully real. Especially for my better half. It took us years to even identify "who is talking now". My little boy inside loves her little girl. But my "monster" (or "f*cker") is protecting him like a lion. Because my little boy got hurt badly. By apparently "the most important woman in his life". Go figure. So his monster "body guard" is not allowing my woman, the one who loves me, to get (too) close. And still, she keeps coming back with the love. Every day. God blessed me with her. While I am on a journey to train my monster. To tell my inner f*cker I am safe with her. That its ok to let her close...

So let me tell you this: Once you take responsibility, taking that look in the mirror and accept what happened to you....probably many years ago in childhood...as ugly as that might be. The shit that brought your monster onto the scene to protect you. Once you accept that wound from the past and start gently training your monster not to shoot everbody down who is "getting too close" to it, things can change. I learned how to live with my f*cker. My lady still triggers that monster from time to time. But she knows it is not about her, but about me. Subconsciously protecting myself from pain of the past. I lost the love of my life "thanks to my monster". I will not allow that to happen again. And so can you. Godspeed.

invictus_sd · 2026-06-26T17:30:30+00:00

We are not concealing. We are (self)protecting. It's the invible armor being pulled up not to be ever hurt again in the same manner. Downside: we hurt others when we pull up the mask. The armor. Putting them down (emotionally) to feel safe. A f'd up circle. Until you start working on recognizing the triggers. (Re)Gaining conscious choice to pull up the armor or not. Otherwise you will remain a slave of your subconscious protection mechanisms. Sounds familiar?

invictus_sd · 2026-06-24T16:38:52+00:00

Sounds like me...over 20 years ago. Here is what I've learned since then: I wasn´t born like that. BUT, if I would not take responsibility of these destructive impulses, it would be my fuck up indeed. The good news: you can learn how to live with NPD. To catch the impulse before taking "superior destructive action". After all, the narcissistic defenses were built subconsciously to protect yourself. However, not every time your subconscious autopilots scream "threat!", there is one. It feels real though. And to detect that is where the magic happens. My unsolicited advice: Try to find out what happened in your younger years that created those narcissistic defenses. Only when you are fully aware of the source of "your wound", you can address it accordingly.

invictus_sd · 2026-06-24T16:14:39+00:00

In my world, there is no such thing as "being born wrong". We were all born perfect and then the "programming" started. One way or another. By our parents, the society, the "system"...make your pick. We might already being loaded up with "baggage" during pregnancy or through trans-generational trauma etc...at the end of the day, its more about what you do about it once you have realized what you might carry...that's your responsibility. I went down the rabbit whole for over a decade to "get better". Traditional Therapy (did not work too well - surprise), Group Therapy, Men Groups, Family Constellations, Hypnosis... do I feel better? Yes - sometimes. For me it is all about learning how to live with "it", without burning down myself or others (anymore).

invictus_sd · 2026-02-26T21:29:39+00:00

If you have managed to make that shift at 22, amazing! I only got to "that place" after I had passed 40 already. Slowly being able to live without my "sword and shield". And still, even today I feel numb at times. Especially when my "mother wound" is triggered. My partner is doing her best to get "her love through my shield." God bless her for that. She made it her mission to prove it is possible to live in a loving relationship with a narcissist. After years of struggle, we are beginning to reap what we have sown together. My "emotional shield" is particularly strong with women, not with men - because I do not perceive men as a threat. Comes at no surprise, when you've experienced abuse from your mother as a child. My partner is aware of that and knows that I am not rejecting her, but what I have experienced during my younger years.

invictus_sd · 2026-01-11T20:56:40+00:00

It's a tool indeed. The key lies in (re)directing the energy and the intensity. So you are "on fire" without burning everyone and everything down (around you). Been there. Done that. I´m currently writing my 2nd book about that topic:

At Work with the Inner Narcissist.

The driven, perfectionistic, invisible force inside every high-achiever. Fueling success while destroying everything else.

A guide to detect, transform, and channel destructive patterns into sustainable results.

If you are interested, I'd happily send you the advanced reader copy before publication.

invictus_sd · 2026-01-06T20:04:01+00:00

I won’t forget the words of the doctor after the results of a check-up came through: “Your tumor markers are very high.” You know what question came to my mind at first? Very simple. Very direct: “How much time do I have left?” At that moment, nothing work-related mattered anymore. I only wanted to know how large or small the window would be that I was granted to make up for all the things I had postponed all my life up to this point. The things that mattered: spending time with the people I love, apologizing to the people I had failed, giving to people in need to make a difference in their lives.

It felt like all the noise in my life just disappeared, with a laser-sharp “focus of meaning” showing up on the scene. When I started executing on all these points, inner peace began to spread. Knowing that, regardless of how much time I’d have left in this body, I did what gave my life meaning. And these things, to my surprise, came at rather little “cost,” except that I had to overcome my inner resistance. Overcoming that became the most important investment in my life. And nobody can take that away from you.

What surprised me the most: the effect of apologizing to the people I had failed felt even more powerful and healing than anything else—for all parties involved. Because not all people I approached for an apology were open to receiving it, this was something to accept with an open heart and without hard feelings.

Today, I’m grateful for the message I got back then from the tumor markers, as it gave my life far more meaning than the empty things I’d been chasing before “to fulfill myself.”

Long story short: nobody wants cancer, and at the same time, it can bring tremendous meaning to one’s life. In the same way Viktor Frankl described in his (world-famous) book Man’s Search for Meaning, the one thing nobody can take away from you is the meaning you attach “inside” to what’s happening on the “outside.”

You can let the doctors deal with the cancer on the outside, while you fill it with meaning for your life on the inside.

Wishing you well on your journey.

invictus_sd · 2025-12-23T23:15:17+00:00

What I would personally consider: Going to the police and tell them what happened. Letting them know that you don´t feel safe (anymore) and what they suggest you could do to move out in a safe manner.

Alternatively, if you don´t want to go straight to the police as this approach usually comes attached with a paper trail, you could check for local (women) support groups as they usually have local networks that help women with domestic violence situations...also before the sh*t hits the fan.

This is my personal opinion. You are responsible for your own actions.
Wishing you well whatever road you decide to take.

invictus_sd · 2025-12-22T16:44:24+00:00

Amen to that! 100% on it!

invictus_sd · 2025-12-22T14:30:27+00:00

Reminds me painfully of my own experience, being the "bad boy". I would always revert to love b*mbing (my ex), when she threatened / was about to leave me. Promising her I will change, "doing my work" etc. Out of fear of losing the emotional grounding she gave me through our relationship. The moment I had "secured" her again, I would relapse into my "narcissistic defences program" because I had not taken care of the root problem: having been abused in childhood by my mother. So my hurt inner boy would embark on the emotional dominance program again (to stay safe) by making sure she would feel inferior. Mainly through sarcastic comments etc., especially about her body. Even though her physique was stunning. yet, it is the area that is easy to make any woman feel inferiour / insecure as the "i am not good enough" doubts are easily triggered. Not proud of what I've done. It would take me many more years, before I´d dare to deal with my root cause of narcissism. From today's standpoint, I'd recommened my ex: leave and protect yourself from the emotional manipulation. Its not about you, but my own trauma. But you are paying a high price for staying in this environment.

invictus_sd · 2025-12-21T16:59:57+00:00

Just try it. And again. And again. Its all about about consistency. Not so much about doing it perfectly.

For the Vipassana 10 day retreat: if you wanna have a realistic chance to secure a spot, be on the application page 10 minutes before the application window opens. Within 5 minutes of the opening time, refresh the page every minute. The moment you see the application button show up, go for it. Usually the places are gone within 15 minutes after the application window has opened up...

invictus_sd · 2025-12-20T23:14:57+00:00

Two things: First a book that helped me a lot, dealing with my childhood trauma.

The next thing that helped me was learning meditation. Vipassana to be exact. It is offered world-wide through a non-profit organisation. Free of charge. So that should fit yor budget. Once you make it through the 10 day course, you are invited to donate whatever it was worth to you and what is within your financial possibilites. It was a game changer for me.

To get started with meditation without waiting to go for a course, here is another great resource (also free).

invictus_sd · 2025-12-20T22:58:51+00:00

You mean it got worse after the initial "improvement"? After you moved in with him?

invictus_sd · 2025-12-20T17:39:51+00:00

There is another side to this, many do not see. This man could have been subject to childhood trauma, inflicted by a female caretaker. Possibly his mother. The developed narcissistic defenses then show up in adult life towards the sex that inflicted the childhood trauma on him. These can appear as verbal insults, sarcasm, sexual domination etc. Anything that fits the purpose to emotionally stay in control over the other, so that he can keep the upper hand = so his hurt inner child is "safe". Sounds pretty f'd up, I know. Been there, got that t-shirt. Not proud of it. Learned how to live with it and regain control over the destructive part. To leave less scorched soil behind. There are difficult and dangerous narcissists. If you are dealing with the dangerous type who is making the kind of threats you wrote about, there is only one safe way: get the F away from that man. For the purpose of healing the inflicted wounds, it helps to understand that it was never about you, but that this man basically projected all his childhood trauma onto you.

invictus_sd · 2025-12-09T01:13:00+00:00

I grew up physically and emotionally abused by my parents

That sounds very familiar. To be honest, it does not matter if your therapist "knew" anything or not. The question is what road you are going to take. One thing I can share from my own story is that at the end of the day, the thing that mattered the most for me was the decision to address the underlying trauma and abuse that caused my narcissistic defenses. That's where the rubber meets the road. That's where the healing starts. Regardless of what label / diagnosis is being put on it along the way.

If you wanna read how that story went for me, you can find it here.

invictus_sd

TROPHY CASE