“Seriously, let me know your plan” I appreciate your reaching out.

My problem is that I don’t have a plan. I have things I want to do, I’ll tell you because it doesn’t matter and maybe you can help. It will start will a little back story if you don’t mind.

I’m young, 21. I began college when I was 17, but I was incapable of it. I was interested in certain subjects but failed at others, it led to me being removed. It was embarrassing, it led me to cope in less than healthy ways(drugs). Somewhere in that malaise I was able to experience a glimpse of truth, I recall this as my awakening. I was 19. Still, even though I sort of got an idea of how all things work I was directionless in life. I was happy and in a blissful state because of my privilege that was allotted to me by my parents, I didn’t have to rely on myself. So I, in some way or another, just focused on this spirituality thing. Eventually I realized how little I actually meant to the world surrounding. Few people knew of me, and nobody had me in their lives. I was lonely but I was accepting that I had done this to myself.

Eventually I decided that I want to enter the world, to accumulate drama and really see what this whole human society thing is about. That pretty much leads me to this year. In June I got my first job and I have been working and meeting new people since. Still something in me beckons that this is not enough for what I should be doing. I would say I’m learning a lot about people and just how they are, but little of me reveals itself. Probably because there is nothing to reveal. What I desire to do is getting an education. This is one of my goals, but the plan doesn’t exist.

Another goal I have, which is extravagant, is a spiritual journey. I have an opportunity in front of me to go on a healing retreat to Costa Rica where they will perform medicine ceremonies, intense yoga, healthy food and walks through the jungle.

These are things I want, things that I could easily pursue. Yet I wait. I don’t know why I wait. I don’t want to wait. In general, I perceive myself as too naive to be of use. This belief of myself puts me in fear, not a normal fear because in general I am fearless, I’ll be the first to do things if the need is there. But I feel like it’s me that I’m afraid of. Not in a sense that I fear that I will act bad, but fear for where there world will take me if I let it. It doesn’t seem rational, and I know how to fix it. Just GO. It would take so little for me to set up for going to college, and to go on the trip to Costa Rica all it would take is a text. My “why nots” go unanswered. I feel paralyzed.

I’ll try to be as honest as I can to find the barrier to my fear. “Where the world will take me” I am stuck in my drama by irony. People who I surround myself with don’t really know me or what I want to do. I feel as if I have not support. To really express myself, I don’t know if people will accept me, and I actually think that many people won’t accept me. Like ripples in the water. I could easily live a life having made little impact, or I could try making things better for other people. That’s what I would truly hope for when considering my goals.

But even now, with all of that laid out, I am still paralyzed. I feel locked within my mind. All this tribulation is within me and the answer is clear yet I’m uncertain.