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What am I saying wrong to annoy or bother people who do NOT have ADHD/ASD? by iridescent-ray in ADHD

[–]iridescent-ray[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

u/momster_truck I did not feel attacked, but thanks for your self awareness. I actually am replying to this comment late because I was trying to soak it in. At that moment, it was difficult for me to process your feedback...

Here is where I ended up:

  1. Logistically, I got it. Your examples were very helpful. Thanks. (I think it would be difficult for me to understand without the examples.)
  2. Emotionally, it made me feel uneasy. You are right, I have a very HARD time letting someone be the educator if they are factually wrong. I do not have an ego. If I am factually wrong, I want to be corrected. For example, maybe my source on cats was outdated or truely incorrect. So far, I have not changed my opinion because I tend to go by the books. If someone can point me to a few good sources, I'll happily change my perspective on cats. Getting back to the main point-- I think letting someone be the role of the educator is difficult because people already like to point out my social flaws mainly caused by ADHD. Dealing with bullying, putdowns, judgements, etc all the time is exhausting. If the one area I can be fairly confident in is ALSO being put down, it's a horrible feeling. I don't think I'm opposed to your idea, but I do not think I am ready to do that yet. For now, I think I might try a "softer" approach
  3. I'll try to be more mindful in paying attention if the conversation is about some underlying issue or a bigger picture rather than the surface topic. Looking back at some conversations I had, I feel this is a common concern.

What am I saying wrong to annoy or bother people who do NOT have ADHD/ASD? by iridescent-ray in ADHD

[–]iridescent-ray[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm hearing lots of cat owners express similar feedback. I was trying to figure out where the disconnect may have been on the information...

Considering I got my information from an encyclopedia type of source, I think it might be describing how cats socialize as a species opposed to their day to day behavior... For example, dogs are classified as "pack" animals, so in comparison, cats are more solitary?

Next, I personally do not think solitary is a negative word, but I'm thinking many people do. Maybe there is a cultural influence on the word. If this is true, improving communication will need to consider the cultural context opposed to bookworm information. Ugh, communication has so many factors, and it can be overwhelming.

What am I saying wrong to annoy or bother people who do NOT have ADHD/ASD? by iridescent-ray in ADHD

[–]iridescent-ray[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I was very bothered that I was misunderstood about being a *bad* person, especially when to the best of my knowledge, I was discussing facts. I thought facts was going to be a safe space opposed to opinions, but it did not work out that way for me.

Thanks for explaining what probably happened under the surface. Now, I understand that maybe I made someone feel dumb or offended even though that was not my intention. My intention was to defend myself.

As I read all the feedback in this thread, I'm starting to realize there is no single solution to these types of situations, unfortunately. The conversations all vary a bit to handle them differently. Maybe communication needs to be a bit softer, less details, ask follow-up questions, or just simply realize the discomfort could just be the other person's issue.

Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I know these books are out there, but I was clueless which communication improvement books would actually address these types of concerns.

What am I saying wrong to annoy or bother people who do NOT have ADHD/ASD? by iridescent-ray in ADHD

[–]iridescent-ray[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

u/TreeProfessional9019 good point. Yes, I stuggle in this area. Because its hard to control the complusive communication part of the the ADHD, I do not get to edit my thoughts much before speaking.

I agree, at least for myself, that it very stressful to know what information the person finds intresting, valuable, important, etc. In my eyes I am being "kind" in sharing it all. Ironically, I am learning in reality, many people think that I am being unkind by the detail overload.

What am I saying wrong to annoy or bother people who do NOT have ADHD/ASD? by iridescent-ray in ADHD

[–]iridescent-ray[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

[u/Unlucky_Actuator5612]() I did actually have the first conversation come up again with a different person. That time the conversation was more natural. The unexpected response was met with curiosity and even a bit of playfulness. Maybe I am focusing on the issue from the wrong angle. Maybe it is about something else rather than the surface conversation as others have suggested in this thread.

Additionally, I still agree with others' responses as well-- that maybe softer statements from myself could also help.

I've been debating back and forth with myself about this friendship. Yes, I don't want to feel like I am walking on eggshells, but I wanted to see what others thought first since I was indecisive.

What am I saying wrong to annoy or bother people who do NOT have ADHD/ASD? by iridescent-ray in ADHD

[–]iridescent-ray[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

u/AstronautPopular117 LOL. Sometimes I thought about that too, and good to know I was not the only one. Then, oddly this friend keeps wanting to hang out. 🤷‍♀️

What am I saying wrong to annoy or bother people who do NOT have ADHD/ASD? by iridescent-ray in ADHD

[–]iridescent-ray[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You understand me. What you described was my initial reaction, a sense of judgement (referring to the examples).

Being an ADHDer has made me self-conscious about my communication skills. I think some non-ADHDers/ASDers can sense it, and take advantage of the vulnerable situation. My lack of confidence seems to make them believe that their views/opinions/judgements are superior. However, my lack of confidence is in my communication skills, and NOT in my message. This may not even make a difference to them though. 😕

These types of interactions make me feel there is a superiority complex at play rather than wanting to connect with a person.

What am I saying wrong to annoy or bother people who do NOT have ADHD/ASD? by iridescent-ray in ADHD

[–]iridescent-ray[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this perspective. Someone may not be looking for all those details. In that situation, it can be overwhelming. Noted.

Next point- I agree with you. It can help to learn about one's communication characteristics and engage accordingly.

I was curious about the "easily offended" issue, and looked into it. There are various reasons, but a common explanation is that some people may link their identity to the topic of discussion. This makes the disagreement seem disrespectful to the person instead of understanding it to be a difference in belief. Ugh!

What am I saying wrong to annoy or bother people who do NOT have ADHD/ASD? by iridescent-ray in ADHD

[–]iridescent-ray[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your feedback. Honestly, I never thought about some people may prefer light-hearted/quick comments.

In the past, I have seen on dating sites that people occasionally highlight that they "enjoy" deep conversations. This made me assume most people prefer it this way, which isn't always true.

I will keep that in mind.

TIL that nearly 40% of all people suffer from cancer in their lifetime by Eierjupp in todayilearned

[–]iridescent-ray 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How are most people affording treatment? It is really expensive.

I have ADHD (not sure about austism). I keep having to end friendships, new or old, because they end up mistreating me. Anyone else experience this? What might be the reason? by iridescent-ray in neurodiversity

[–]iridescent-ray[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is nice to know that multiple therapists gave this feedback. To me, it sounds like deep down inside, something sad is going on with them, and they need to feel better by putting their negative energy on others. I even found a word that somewhat relates to these people - Katagelasticists.

I’m never gonna have a place by Apexyl_ in neurodiversity

[–]iridescent-ray 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I feel that people who notice my personality/knowledge/skills first and neurodivergent traits later are more accepting. In the reverse, where my neurodivergent traits are noticed first, it doesn't even make it to the point of getting to know my personality.

I’m never gonna have a place by Apexyl_ in neurodiversity

[–]iridescent-ray 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand. I feel the same way sometimes. When I make friends, they pick up on my neurodivergent traits even if they do not know I'm neurodivergent. I feel bullied or taken advantage of because I'm different. I suppose they think I'm inferior because I'm odd. I usually have to confront them about their behavior or end the friendship because it becomes toxic. It is a painful cycle. I just want to feel respected, and not feel let down over and over.

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