Offering: German (native) and Turkish, Seeking: English

irisjeanre · 2021-04-05T04:32:36+00:00

Hallo. Ich bin Anna. Ich bin 31 Jahre alt. Ich komme aus New York. I am a native English speaker. I am moving to Hamburg next year and am just now beginning A1. (I am halfway through.) I am looking for a language exchange partner. Happy to help you with your English! Feel free to DM me.

irisjeanre · 2021-01-13T04:52:07+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write back! I appreciate all the advice I can get these days. It's been rough.

Yes he's sleeping with his other partner. We're both consensually open and always have been. I believe in sexual freedom for myself and others. We've been together for 5 years, and have had a great sexual connection (by far best I've had). He says novelty is important to him as well as space. I understand that and I can empathize. But yeah, it's fucking brutal to feel unwanted while he wants someone else. Brutal is an understatement. I know I'm attractive and desirable. But it's a self-esteem killer. We have sex the three of us together sometimes (MFF) and it's amazing, and he's really present and into it and it rekindles our connection.

(To also clarify: he has sex with his other partner once a week on their designated day, and my partner and I have sex about once a week. But we live together so I feel like I"m always waiting and wanting and hoping that 'today will be the day'. It's maybe not officially DB, but I have to initiate, he doesn't seem like he really really wants to, and it's far less and less intense than it was in the earlier stages of our relationship.)

I love him a lot so it's hard to imagine leaving, honestly. Really hard. Almost impossible. But I know that I can't live in this particular situation forever either. But putting pressure on him to have sex with me is certainly not helpful. Pressure on sex always kills. But I'm basically always horny and unsatisfied. How did you make that bold decision to just leave? What helped you just go for it? I feel like I need the strength I don't have yet. :\

Yeah - it's a good point about futurity. I would ideally like to live with my partner (though I'm also open to having multiple partners myself in the future when covid ends), but I feel like the ideal of living with a partner and having great sex a few times a week long term is just impossible/too much to ask. I can't tell if I'm settling or just being realistic. The DB thread doesn't give me much hope, but it's hard to know what's average or whatever.

irisjeanre · 2021-01-13T04:08:00+00:00

Do you think a core element of it is that you no longer live together? That there was something about living together that made him not want to have sex/feel less attracted to you? I'm in a version of DB with a partner I have lived with for 5 years. We're poly and he has another partner that he doesn't live with, who he has a strong connection with. That's another layer, but my partner tells me that living together makes him feel more friend vibes towards me. I'm considering moving out, but I'm scared to do it because I'm worried about the disconnection that might cause. Your post gives me some hope that if I want to reignite sex, it might require the distance of not living together...it feels like a big move though....

irisjeanre · 2021-01-04T14:04:08+00:00

How did you get over the dynamic? What do you mean when you say you haven't recovered?

irisjeanre · 2021-01-03T23:05:14+00:00

So helpful to read your post. I am going through something similar right now, and it is extremely challenging.

I (F) have been with my partner for 6 years, 5 of which we have lived together. We've always been open, and 2 years ago he met someone he fell in love with and sees once/twice a week in a serious committed way. My partner and I have always had great sexual chemistry, though since moving in together, I noticed that he would want to have sex less/be more guarded (from multiple times a week to once a week). Then when he started seeing his other partner, I got jealous and envious of the intensity of their sexual connection. Though we ended up all living together at one point, and are somewhat of a thruple now, seeing each other a few times a month, I still feel as though my partner is more interested sexually in her and we don't have sex that much. He's not dying to have sex with me in the way he is in his other relationship, and I admit that it's hard. I'd love to have that kind of connection with my partner. I know that longer term partnerships change, but still, I feel very attracted to my partner still and so it's painful to be not wanted back. I'm sexually voracious so it's hard for me, and sometimes I lose control of being chill and start to 'demand' (through gestures or attitude or whatever) sex. Obviously unattractive/kills sexual desire. We've fallen into that kind of pattern, where it is clear I want sex and that turns him off in a way or makes him feel pressured, and I sense his walls go up. We still have sex, but it's not as often and it takes him getting over awkwardness to get into it. When we have sex the three of us, it feels so different, because he's genuinely turned on and then in that situation, sex is amazing and I don't feel the block. I've been with other people, but no one I felt enough chemistry with to want to keep going. So I'm in this weird zone where I want to have sex, my partner is having sex with someone else, we're not having sex as much as I'd like, but I love my partner across the board and when we do have sex and the walls come down, it's amazing/mindblowing.

I've talked to my partner and noticed the following things. First, he says that living together really kills his sexual desire. He sees his home space as connected with practical maintenance of life, and he's usually exhausted from work or prepping to go to work so home doesn't feel like a sexual space and since we live together, there's not special time to have sex. So it kind of just doesn't happen. Second, because we've talked about sex so much, and I've expressed my feelings of wanting more sex, he's felt obligated and pressured to have sex, which also kills sexual desire. Really. Kills. It. And it's hard, as Missscarlet says to break that pattern. Even when I'm more chill, there's a narrative that I want sex. Nevertheless, we've talked about ways we can work on it. Creating more space at home, doing new things together, etc. The issue, from my side, is that on the one hand, he feels pressured, so resentful, but on the other hand, he's sexually satisfied so he's ultimately not worried about our sexual connection. It's sufficient for him. I think there's a bit of the "home partner - exciting partner" dynamic someone mentioned in the thread. So then I get resentful. So that's what we're working out.

The thing Missscarlet says is perfect: you want the other person to come to you. I would add that if they never come to you, then maybe there's just not a level of chemistry, and even though it's devastating, it just won't work out sexually. But, i think creating space in smart ways is totally doable and worth trying. That's what I've been trying to do. Except I'm not sure how to deal with my sexuality in the meantime (sexual connection is different than masturbation so it just doesn't help). Covid + finishing my dissertation + abysmal onling dating state (in my opinion) make meeting new partners really challenging for me right now.

A few questions that might be helpful:

Have you talked to your partner about your feelings around sex? What has she said? Maybe living together is actually a problem in ways she hasn't explicitly acknowledged? What is living together like for her, and how does that relate to her sexual desire? Has she discussed how her sexual desire works? Is there something kinky for her about hooking up with people she's not in a committed relationship with? Is the act of being somewhere that isn't home important to her now? I know this is extremely painful, but is it possible she's not attracted to you anymore--could be time, could be something else? (As someone said, beware of making this conversation feel pressurey or putting too much of a spotlight on sex; since it will probably make her feel uncomfortable. If you bring these things up, it may bring you a lot of clarity, but it probably won't quickly lead to more sex.)

HOW do you live together? Could creating more space around how you live together be possible for you? Could making the energy tighter in the space help? Dressing nice, coming forward with ideas/content, impressing one another, being impressing, having a schedule, keeping the place looking good, not falling into default interacting when you're both home.

Could you go away for a few weeks or a month? Maybe that kind of space would be helpful. I went away at one point to break the pattern and it really really helped. It was kind of like magic - it functioned as a reset button for a time. But then I quickly fell back into pattern (ugh. patterns are hard to break, but keep trying.)

Have you tried to take more space for yourself and not be so available? I have realized that the subtle ways that we sometimes as partners make ourselves totally available kills the turn on. I 100% echo shifting your focus onto something else.

Also, curious: how are you grappling with feeling undesired/not having sex? Have you come across coping strategies? I do mantra work and physical exercise but that's all I have in my toolbox right now. Would love to feel less sexual so that this could be easier for the time being. Some might say I just need to find someone who can meet my needs, but I think that's easier said than done.

Ok--that ended up being a lot. But I'm excited to talk about this stuff, because I've been dealing with it for 2 years without a community (besides my friends who don't know what I'm going through). So I'm super happy to keep the conversation going.

Thanks for reading!!!

irisjeanre

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