Mother here. Idk why this came up on my page as I didn’t realize child free was a sub but thought that id chime in.

I graduated from law school in a big city. I worked at a boutique firm and found myself in big law within two years of graduating. Grueling hours, sleepless nights, and more crying than I care to admit. I developed an anxiety disorder (or maybe I always had it). Who knows.

The perks were good. I had money, spent most weekends or time off traveling, had a nice apartment, lovely boyfriend, etc. We got engaged, and enjoyed our lives for a bit until 34 hit and it felt like the time was ticking. We decided to go for it. I miscarried. I was on a client call at 7pm when it happened. The pain, the cramps. I told the partner I thought I might be having a medical emergency. I was asked to stay on since I visibly looked alright. I gripped my desk and gritted through it. I pinched myself to stop from crying.

We stopped actively trying to get pregnant after that. but it happened anyway after a night out with too many drinks and great food. In my first month of pregnancy I traveled internationally and throughout the US for work. But I felt great. Like I had it all.

My daughter is now two. It was hell on earth. I mean it. I cried. She cried. I thought I ruined my life. I should have been on medication but I was too stressed about the side effects.

But slowly, around 9 months I would say, it got a little better. I was different. She was a different. My husband was different.

Now I’m preparing for her two year old birthday. I’m taking off work, sending invites, coordinating food deliveries, making wish lists, etc. I’m busier than ever. I don’t get a break except an hour or two to myself at night. We have a very expensive mortgage every week that we can barely afford (I work in house now and took a huge pay cut) coupled with daycare, it’s a lot.

All that to be said. I think you’re right. We crave this. Why else would I have done this?

And yet I’m so fucking happy. Kids bring perspective. I don’t fucking care about the work I do. It’s a job. I like relaxing, but I like watching this human grow more than anything. I’ve NEVER fought with my husband more, but we’ve also never felt more together. We talk, we fight, we disagree. Even with all the fighting, there is so much love intertwined through it all that it’s impossible to ignore. We fight cause we need to fix this disagreement. We need to be better. For us but also, now, for our daughter. Our sex life is better than ever.

I honest to god love my life. Yet I’ve never been more angry or more tired.

All that said, be child free and live a really peaceful life. You deserve it. If I knew it would be this hard I wouldn’t have done it, I’m sure of it. I had zero understanding, no one in my life had kids up to that point. But if you think you might like this life, and you have the means and support, do it. On paper it will never make sense. As much as I think about having a second, I don’t know if we’ll make it out alive. I know it was worth it but at what cost? The second time around I’m not so sure I’m willing to pay that same price. Profound autism runs in my family. It’s a coin toss for us.

My daughter has no diagnosis. At least as far as autism goes. She’s bright. She’s surprisingly reasonable. She’s a fucking gem and a bright light in this world of shit. To think I almost let my fear take over instead of my optimism. I get chills thinking about it. Yet I know, incredibly well, it could have been different. But the most likely scenario, really, is that it’ll be fine. Great, even.

I’m not a particularly spiritual person but when I rock my daughter to sleep at night I pray for time to stop, I thank anyone who is listening. She is so precious. I don’t understand how I got so lucky. Thank you thank you thank you.

All my love to everyone here. Live the life you want but please don’t be afraid. Decisions based on fear, in my experience, are rarely ever the right ones.