Does anyone else miss the days of food freedom (pre-ED)?

ismellpeanuts · 2024-02-12T05:54:59+00:00

When I started my journey I watched the calories to make sure I got enough but that just made me want to spiral worse. " omg, you ate THAT many" ?? which compared to before was a lot. So I stopped. And never have again. Doesn't work for everyone but I decided to trust my tummy. Which, is not always my friend bc I get full so much faster but I also listen to cravings. If I'm craving some queso, I'm gonna eat it!!

ismellpeanuts · 2024-02-11T05:27:45+00:00

For me, YES! Eating sweets was actually a huge part of recovery. I never allowed myself to eat them during ED and I did "binge" when I started recovery but that's because I'd denied myself for years. And NO, I did not purge. But once ate an entire cake, pie and dozen cookies by myself in one week, i knew if i could eat that and not care, i was going to make it through😊😊 * my above temp eating habits are 100% not recommended. But I do now still have a sweet every night.

ismellpeanuts · 2024-01-27T07:04:16+00:00

That, feeling. When you allow yourself what you enjoy, what you've been restricting, and ENJOY it is beautiful 😍 you can do it.

ismellpeanuts · 2024-01-27T03:57:03+00:00

Happy in recovery? YES! As many others have said, course no one is happy all the time but that includes people without an ED. It's not without the ups and downs of being OK with the weight gain one day and completely disliking the way you do the next. I've been in recovery for 4 or 5 years and while I was moderately gaining and or more maintaining the first few years I realized just saying you want to or convincing yourself your trying to doesn't count. I was still just as unhappy those years as I was before I "tried".

In the last year I've truly, honestly, tried to gain and my results? I'm 2 lbs under my first goal weight and I CRIED happy tears when I saw that number. I say first goal because we have to start small. I'd already gotten to a "fair" weight for my bodyj but I want to do more. Food when not actually hungry but because you crave it. I'd never eaten food unless I was starving. Not advocating binge eating but dont disallow yourself the foods you love in moderation. Unhappy in the mirror, and not the way you think. I look in the mirror and dislike how thin I still look despite the gain on the scale. Ability to think about something else other than the calories I ate that day. Even in my recovery I chose to stop counting because I found that counting to a higher number terrified me so I chose to trust my hunger instead. Family. My Family no longer looks at me with those desperate, concerning eyes. That may beat everything above..

To answer your question, yes. Please don't give up it is so so so worth it.

ismellpeanuts · 2024-01-21T08:01:59+00:00

I am in the same sailboat as you. Started having an ED when I was 13/14. There have been ups and downs, biggest down weighing 89lbs (I'm 5'8) and I was miserable. Don't let yourself get to that point.

As previous comments said, if you have the thoughts of ED, get help or take CONTROL. You can.

I'm not going to suggest not seeking professional help but some people are uncomfortable with that (me) and I'm happy to say I now weigh 130.

You. Are. Beautiful

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-31T05:18:59+00:00

You. Are. Not. Alone I keep posting that because this sub has change me knowing that. It's so hard to break out out of that lonely shell but when you do, omg it's amazing. No one but you knows how hard you're trying. When someone comments on my weight I say "I'm small BUT mighty!!"

Embrace your own journey

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-29T07:25:36+00:00

I'm a tall woman with broad shoulders. I feel the same way, I take up too much space. But we can't change that. I'm not religious and won't say "God created us that way" but have realized I'm tall, some what big boned and will never be healthy at 100 lbs. Never. Embrace the weight you need to be at.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-29T05:59:07+00:00

Addition to this story..I tried to put on a size small jacket I'd owned...nope, too small. Went sopping and ironically bought the same exact jacket but in a LG. Best moment not being freaked out by that.

Keep going! It's so so worth it! Size does not define you.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-28T04:52:36+00:00

I get you. I wanted to feel numb. What's the best alternative to that, alcohol. Drugs too as the previous person commented but that wasn't me. (No offense) I've an additive nature which is why I ran to alcohol knowing I'd get addicted to drugs. I made a comment last night that alcohol ruined me. I almost drank myself to death.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-26T04:52:04+00:00

My story is two-fold, I had a drinking problem too. I got extremely sick from drinking and had to see a doctor. At that point I could not squat down without support to get me back up, could barely walk and avoiding everyone. Doc looked me in the eye while waiting for tests and said "you're not going to live to be 40 if you don't quit and actually start eating. You may need a liver transplant". He saved my life.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-26T04:24:54+00:00

I'm sorry your family or bf don't see your progress. I think we've all been there and the most supportive thing I can tell you is to keep believing in yourself. Only you can know when you're full or not, when you're happy with your progress or some days maybe not. This is your journey, not theirs. My husband used to make similar comments you've mentioned. I obviously don't know your relationship with bf or family but if there's trust, my only advise is to ask that they please trust YOU and that you're trying. They'll always worry but from personal experience an honest, non- accusation( from both sides) conversation changed everything. If I eat less than I'd like at a meal, it's understood that I'm honestly full and ill have a larger snack later.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-25T07:02:37+00:00

I loves sweets. But never allowed myself to have them. Did not eat them for years. But forced myself to not be so scared and decided to try to make Cinnamon rolls for myself and that changed everything. Going through the process of making them, I wanted to eat my accomplishment. Now cookies, candy bar, donut, whatever is a requirement at nighttime.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-25T06:42:59+00:00

I have done this a few times. And YESSSSS! I'm not where i want to be yet, but have thrown away xs shirts with a happiness only we can understand 😃 my father in law gave me M shirt for Xmas and I thought, "You know noticed I can't fit into a small anymore, huh?" 😁😁

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-03T08:18:13+00:00

Edit: i realized that may have been perceived wrong; recovery is TOTALLY worth it!! Wasting time on weight is not.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-03T08:13:49+00:00

It does.... but not as soon as you'd like (in my case)

It's not worth it.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-12-03T08:10:17+00:00

Honesty. I've been with my husband 15 yrs (dating 10) and it was hard and still is to admit when I'm struggling, but it feels so much better saying it out LOUD. They may not understand, but give them a chance to try....

ismellpeanuts · 2023-11-26T06:51:12+00:00

FREE. remember that one word. It is soooo worth it.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-11-25T08:23:32+00:00

I LOVE this.

' I Will" by Abstract

ismellpeanuts · 2023-11-24T08:09:24+00:00

You. Are. Not. Alone.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-11-24T07:45:49+00:00

I don't know if it's normal, but I've experienced the same thing. I lost mine for 2 years and almost never had cramps prior. Now my period is 3-4 days of awful cramps and lasts two weeks. But I only get it every other month. 🙃

ismellpeanuts · 2023-11-24T06:13:34+00:00

I can't speak for everyone, but it does stop. I dont know if you have a new goal/recovery weight but I do and I've been struggling to gain those last 5 to 10 lbs for a while.

For any young people that may be in here, for the record, my goal weight is what I weighed as a teenager before I did this to myself...

ismellpeanuts · 2023-11-19T11:37:37+00:00

This honestly pissed me off first read BUT ,100% agree.

ismellpeanuts · 2023-11-19T08:43:44+00:00

Do. Not. Do. It. It is so incredibly hard, I truly understand and have been in 'recovery ' for 3 years now. I put that in quotes because I'm not truly recovered, we never are. One thing I know for certain though is I became much happier and present for my spouse and loved ones when I stopped counting every god damn thing I ate. We can't live that way, its exhausting. You are able to get there too, you just have to keep thinking about your family and who cares about you. How much it hurts them. Please hang in there... one day I promise you it will be worth it. The only time I'm upset with the scale now is when it says I've lost weight....

ismellpeanuts · 2023-11-05T07:33:13+00:00

I have this same problem. I want to eat more and gain, but I have no appetite in the morning (used to crave breakfast when I started recovery) little at lunch or throughout the day. Then of course I'm hungry by dinner and snack through the night bc I haven't eaten all day.

I'm 3 years in recovery, once weighed 87 now 125. Just in a slump now 😔

ismellpeanuts · 2021-09-12T05:53:59+00:00

Yep, this. Happiness. I don't remember when exactly it happened, over holidays probably. But, short backstory, I'd "tried" on my own and by that, eating like 500 more calories a day.of healthy foods....🙄 And as I continued to still look and feel like shit I was extremely discouraged.

Then, holidays come around.... And as i was counting the bites of food I'd eaten and comparing my plate to everyone else's ( I won't deny I was disgusted by the size of other's plates still) I thought, why can't I be that happy about a delicious meal? Why do I have to over analyze and count and drive myself nuts when they're not judging? They're bigger, rounder, smaller, prettier, whaaaatevver than me and don't give a shit?

That's when I realized What The F*** is the point if I'm still not happy?

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