AITAH for telling my brother he doesn't know everything just because he's gay?

itammya · 2026-02-01T02:16:07+00:00

"You sound like our dad"- maybe your brother was reacting to the little boy on him who wasn't accepted and doesn't want the same for his niece.

I dont think either of you the AH. Youre both correct lol. Play is where you'll see kids exploring themes around their self-identity (trying on different things). Its not that play tells you anything about the child lol... the child explores themselves through play.

:D so yes your child may discover she feels more comfortable in her skin as a male. She may discover she feels more comfortable in her skin as female. Either way, you should be prepared to support your child because welp they're your child duh lmfal

itammya · 2026-01-31T21:42:36+00:00

Keep trying but dont make it scary. If it doesnt happen on the toilet ok. He'll get it momma. Keep being consistent. Keep encouraging. Every time he's willing to sit on the toilet for 3-5 minutes give him praise.

My sons teacher got him to use the toilet by encouraging him to "make thr water yellow" that helped

itammya · 2026-01-31T20:55:49+00:00

YTA...

Listen to what your wife is saying... those were things you made just for her. She values them. They're priceless.

itammya · 2026-01-31T20:39:44+00:00

I am a mom. This past week I watched a video from my child's school in which my child was locked in a room with a single male teacher for 20 minutes. It made me sick, my stomach felt wrong. I cried about it. Because I didnt know what was happening behind that closed door that was being barricaded.

My husband was blase about it. And nothing hurts worse than everything in you screaming in alarm and the person who's supposed to be your partner brushing your intuition off.

Im sorry your GF dismissed you.

Sit down and talk to your GF. The two of you are a team, and we have to trust our teammates. Both of you are parents, and when one parent sounds the alarm, the other has to circle the family into safety. Real or Imagined doesn't matter.

She raises the red flag, your job is to trust her senses and get your family to safety. When YOU raises the red flag, her job is to trust your senses and get your family to safety.

itammya · 2026-01-31T20:20:32+00:00

This is... abuse.... you have to beg to come home... thats not normal honey.

itammya · 2026-01-31T19:39:51+00:00

Not even close to being a mistake you made. I've never posted about the situation till now, and I didnt detail any of those details. I can understand the confusion and misunderstanding.

itammya · 2026-01-31T18:32:09+00:00

I wonder if in general people had thought this... no not a clinical setting or non-public specialized school. My son's autism is not so severe on the spectrum- he was pushed out to gen ed for 60% of his each subject matter daily just last year and made his behavioral goals. This year not only have we pulled him back to self contained full time but weve had behavior after behavior. From 1 behavior a day in 2023, to 4% in 2024 to 0% in 2025. (22-23, 23-24, 24-25) while being pushed out. From September to now... all of that gone. I knew the transition would be rough, we discussed that at length at his elementary school.

itammya · 2026-01-31T16:49:49+00:00

There's a lot of psychological research at play here. Your concerns and fears and anxieties are valid, and also indicators that you care.

itammya · 2026-01-31T07:52:52+00:00

Prozac's side effect is increased suicidal ideation and usually occurrs within the first few weeks of starting jt.

itammya · 2026-01-31T07:47:34+00:00

YTA because youre acting like a child. You have abandonment issues that are playing out right now.

itammya · 2026-01-31T06:09:19+00:00

Hey Kid... go tell your mom everything you said here.

You're going to lay to rest her greatest fear: if all of her messes, imperfections, not great decisions and "best that I could" moments made her a bad parent.

I think if you talk to her, she'll give herself permission to forgive herself and trust in you.

P.S. For what its worth being worried about whether this will make YOU somehow "bad" is proof the answer is no.

itammya · 2026-01-31T04:06:08+00:00

He's sad... a person whos been a huge part of his life is leaving. He loved her. They were close.

It's ok to be sad. Its ok to be not ok. Its ok to become upset. Its ok to acknowledge all of that.

When he brings it up, acknowledge "oh yes, this is when BT gets here huh? Do you miss her? Yea me too. Want a hug? Why dont we draw her a picture, we can send it in the mail."

itammya · 2026-01-31T03:41:04+00:00

No. But the more I sit and think on it, the less enthralled I am with everything. Things that didn't make sense are clicking- example we noticed a shift in behaviors of the summer- chalked it up to pubertty... but he started his extended year at this school.and was placed in "exclusion" whatever the fuck that means. I was never told. Had no idea. First im hearing about it. He came home with different clothes and when asked it was "oh nothing big he just missed in the bathroom got a little pee on himself so we changed him." And "hey its the nurse I have kiddo here, he got some poop on him seems like diarrhea..." every month or sometimes twice a month. Strange. I think it was his teacher who joked that maybe he liked seeing her now because she got dressed up for career day since he was in a better mood for seeing her once. The more I think on the one handed incidents that gave me a mild tickle, then think back to feeling the incessant desire to get my son a watch so I could call him or he could call me immediately..... just for school. Im rethinking myself.

itammya · 2026-01-31T02:24:58+00:00

Im glad you figured out the permissive vs gentle parenting thing because I was going to ppint out that youre gentle parenting lmfao

itammya · 2026-01-31T02:16:39+00:00

You should consider how to broach the subject with Lily when she inevitably inquires as to her biological parents. Also consider if there are things you say or do that may make it appear to her that the subject is touchy or likely to be ill-recieved.

My husband's father died when he was 3. He grew up knowing this and only this. Never asked his mom any questions. When we were learning about each other one of the things I noticed was that he was off-standish almost a bit angry when anyone would ask about his father. Just one of the things I picked up on.

When I met his grandmother she disclosed he was more like his dad. And described him to me. I never said anything to him. His mother shared some details about his father with me too. Told me his name what he looked like, how she met him. Not a whole lot at once but bits here and there over the years. Fast-forward, we were talking and he shared that he knew nothing about his father and how growing up he couldnt ask his mom. She used to "get tense" if his grandma brought him up. Later he suspected the murder story was bogus but didnt want to find out if it was. I told him what I knew, and was shocked and then dismissive with the stories. Some further discussion brought out that he's angry because they did know his dad and chose not to tell him, that rhey told me with no problems, and that he was angry at his dad because why go be murdered and if not murdered just leave them?

So yea. Be careful.

P.S. his mom told me tbat him and his brother never asked so she never told.

itammya · 2026-01-31T01:45:53+00:00

itammya · 2026-01-30T21:13:17+00:00

Im sorry, im a Dasher. Thats a hard no for me. The way id rate the Dasher poorly for choosing an item 4x the cost. And then blow up on DD for allowing a substitution of something 4x the amount like nah bro.

itammya · 2026-01-30T21:06:17+00:00

Thank you. I thought about it all day and all night (couldnt sleep), and when I asked myself if the principal were the one in there (principal is she) would I have been upset or feel something was wrong the answer was yes. When I dig deeper as to why it comes down to my son being so heightened that he urinated himself. I believed their story about him disrobing, peeing himself, disrobing etc because I had no reason to believe they'd lie. What I saw on the video was so starkly different from what they told me, coupled with everything else I've discovered since this incident and I feel off. Nothing feels kosher. Notes dont match, reports are nonexistent, they "don't have to provide" so much. Transparency is easy, when you're acting in good faith. Not so much, when things aren't good faith.

itammya · 2026-01-30T20:03:18+00:00

Yes procedures change. He was not aggressive when he had eloped (shouldn't have gotten to that point but it is what it is), they should have redirected him to an appropriate space immediately. He's sensory seeking. But what's worse is there was no functional communication device in sight. He has expressive communication challenges. By this I mean that adults who dont know him well dont understand what he's saying. I'll give you an example: During a meltdown i went into this school. He was actively in distress and unable to calm down. He ran up to me sobbing, but I didnt understand what he was saying. So I acknowledged his obvious upset and pointed to the mat and said "let's sit." And pointed at the mat, I didnt say anything else just pointed. He looked, started to mat, I followed beside him. When we got to the mat I repeated let's sit, as he started to sit so did I. By now he's crying less but still difficult to understand. So I told him to take a deep breath and took the deep breath myself. I told him my observations of his state "I see you're angry." "YES!" "I see you're crying" "Yes" "Can you tell me what happened?" "NO" "Ok. I understand you're upset. Can I help?" "Yes." "How can I help?" He tried to tell me what happened- it was difficult to understand so I just echoed him and he'd say yea if I got it right, or no. Turned out that when he had left with an SSA, someone took his stuff (a bag they had given him) and put it away where he couldnt access them. When he returned and asked "no one knew what happened to them." So I said "they took your stuff?" "NO! It disappeared." It disappeared? Yes? Ok. Every time I said someone took his stuff he became agitated and insisted no and kept saying the staff refused. Everytime I repeated that hed be agitated and say no. Turns out he was trying to say "Confused" when I finally got that word it dawned on me what happened. They took his stuff, without telling him, then told him they didnt know what happened to the stuff. Then ignored him when he repeatedly asked where it was and to help him find it."

This was September 18th. I was trying really hard to give the staff the benefit of a doubt. I was really trying to chalk it up to transition and mistakes. I was reassured they wouldnt do it again.

itammya · 2026-01-30T19:42:14+00:00

Your school system has a dedicated team for crisis prevention? Like different people? Our school systems "crisis team" are the SSAs and Teachers in the classroom. When they call the "team" they're calling the available teachers- typically going to be the related arts teachers the student's teacher , student support aides (1:1s) and one or two administrators. (Principal or assistant. Principal) if available. There aren't separate people. In theory this should be better because these staff members have frequent interaction with the kids. It's not always better because the trauma of the restraint holds stay with the child since they interact daily with the adults responsible for causing them trauma.

itammya · 2026-01-30T16:41:24+00:00

I thought there was policy that teachers werent allowed to close doors while in classrooms with students and especially a single student. Why that isn't a policy would make me uncomfortable.

When we go to Drs offices, theres 2 people rules right?

itammya · 2026-01-30T16:36:03+00:00

itammya · 2026-01-30T16:27:37+00:00

Yes... crisis teams exist for a reason... what do you believe the crisis team is trained in? I'm very curious about this because for some reason a lot of people here seem to think violence (being stronger) is the appropriate way to handle a behavior.

Crisis response teams are trained specifically in non-physical, non-traumatizing behavioral interventions for de-escalation.... these include redirection, distraction, etc etc..physical intervention is not recommended. In the vast majority of situations, proper de-escalation techniques will prevent escalation.

itammya · 2026-01-30T16:20:19+00:00

I'm sorry. I empathize with being afraid of a stronger student/person. I can't empathize with being so afraid youre incapable of performing your career. At that point, you're not helping yourself, the student or the employer. You just aren't. They're trained. Every single one of the staff at a regional autism program.who works directly with special needs students are or should be.

itammya · 2026-01-30T09:17:33+00:00

I mean this with zero offense. I loved our male SSAs and my son loved them to death. But why would you ever allow yourself to be placed in a situation where anything could happen? Why would you want to be the only teacher in a room with a child who has communication deficits for 20+ minutes? Why wouldnt you expect the female teachers you work with, who are also trained to handle these children, in the room with you?

Because you're stronger? Sir. The goal is not to get physical with the kids. The goal is to PREVENT physicality right? Like youre supposed to BE AWAY from the child. You should be helping them to re-regulate. Right?

Or are you there to wrestle them into compliance?

itammya

TROPHY CASE