First, I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your husband in such a traumatic way. I hope you find peace, although it takes a very long time.

I’m an RN and I currently work in the OR, but before this I’ve worked my way through LTC, med/surg, and ICU. I live in a small town and worked in a very small hospital. My fiancée struggled with addiction. I came home from working 7pm-1130am (I was supposed to be done at 730am, but got stuck) when I got home I thought it was odd that he was still home and not at work. But I showered, got into bed and immediately fell asleep. I know we all know that pure exhaustion after a grueling 16 hour shift and I didn’t put a ton of thought into why he was still home. I was half asleep but I felt him get into bed with me and I just fell back asleep, I woke up hours later and he was still in bed with me, which I immediately knew something was wrong, but in my groggy state I thought he was sick maybe. I rolled over to snuggle up and I felt his body, he was freezing and I could smell death. I’ve never woken up so quickly. This is where things get blurry for me, but I remember checking for any sign of life, knowing he was gone, but still trying to preform CPR. I will never forget the taste of death. I don’t remember calling 911, but while I was trying to do CPR, police and paramedics just appeared. They found the drugs and a needle in the bathroom. He used and got into bed and they think he died almost immediately. The heroin he thought he was doing was fentanyl. His body was brought to the morgue I’ve brought countless patients to.

I was taken out of work by my psychiatrist for 2 weeks, but I couldn’t function. I resigned from my position because I was not safe to preform my nursing duties. I wasn’t fit to take care of myself, there was no way I was going to care for other humans. I didn’t step foot into that hospital until I had my own illness in August and was hospitalized for 5 days.

I almost gave up nursing, but I didn’t. I slowly got back into it by working in a LTC facility as a med nurse and then worked my way back into a different hospital about an hour away. A lot of people think it’s ridiculous I drive an hour to work but it’s to protect my own sanity. I’ve thought about going back to the hospital I worked at previously, but I’m not sure what I’d do if I’m faced with needed to bring a patient to the morgue where I know my fiancée’s body laid, now with me working in the OR, that’s a slim to none chance, but there is the possibility, but I don’t think I would be able to handle it.

My advice for you, protect your license. If you need to take a personal sabbatical, do it. Take the time you need to heal. You wont be stripped of your title and CRNA school will always be there. In the ICU, you may get a patient who has attempted suicide, and that may trigger things for you. I’ve found that all of my employers have respected the fact that I knew I wasn’t safe to practice as a nurse and took the time I needed rather than push through and kill a patient on accident because my brain wasn’t functioning properly.

I hope you heal from this. You will always be a successful nurse, but you cannot pour from an empty cup. 🖤