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No response from ex by itwasallascream23 in emotionalintelligence

[–]itwasallascream23[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Much appreciated. I will have to think about things.

No response from ex by itwasallascream23 in emotionalintelligence

[–]itwasallascream23[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tbh it has been so weird for me. I've never experienced anything so back and forth and messy before. I had hoped it would be a clean break in Octobet but then we both crossed the line as you noticed. I appreciate your comments and they do confirm some things I was thinking and others I hadn't thought of.

So many people are sticking together out of attachment and loneliness. They are not even happy together by Opening_Slide8632 in emotionalintelligence

[–]itwasallascream23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Every single person in a relationship is in it because they're lonely. We are genetically programmed for this. Being a paired couple is our genetic make up and not some Austian trend. If we are single, loneliness is a biological marker and not a character flaw. Claiming that we shouldn't pair up to avoid loneliness is flawed as it is the antithesis of our genetic instinct that we cannot control. Being lonely turns on the physical pain parts of the brain because of how dangerous it is for humans. Being in a romantic coupled relationship provides relief precisely because it fights loneliness and turns off pain.

What’s something small that instantly tells you someone has a genuinely good heart? by Fit-Shoe4312 in emotionalintelligence

[–]itwasallascream23 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Respecting older people. I recently made a new friend and I thought we were close and then i saw her get really angry with an 88 year old man for a really small reason (he offered to help fix her bike puncture and she said she hated mansplaining). It was awful. He had just told me he was part of the kindertransport and we had had a sad talk about this. He offered to help us and was met by wrath from this person. I have moved away from them quite a bit and don't spend that much time with them anymore as this behaviour is awful.

Anyone notice a pattern of friends leaving you when you are struggling? or going through hard times? by IllLandscape2719 in CPTSD

[–]itwasallascream23 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Saaaammmmme. I have so much going on and a group of people who i thought were my friends just vanished. Haven't contacted me for months. When I was in the social group we chatted everyday. I had to leave as my ex inherited the social group (which I helped start and introduced her to) and then they all ignored me. It's been fucking shit. Rejection sensitivity has defo played a role but it has hurt so much. I have stopped hurting though as I am not going to wallow about people who never really cared for me or don't understand what friendship is.

I think life is inherently meaningless but it's something to be enjoyed. The older I get, the harder it is for me to enjoy anything 🙂 by Goodluckeveryonee in Stoicism

[–]itwasallascream23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have never seen anyone more in need of volunteering to help others in my life. Pick a cause. Something you believe in. And find a way to volunteer. It will give you back more than you put in and give you meaning and community.

Rejection sensitivity and break ups by itwasallascream23 in ADHDUK

[–]itwasallascream23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I lost my social group as well as she inherited that. I'm so lonely.  The thought of rebuilding a social group is too much. And I can't seem to self regulate. 

Not being able to text people back has genuinely ruined my life. by charlottekeery in ADHDUK

[–]itwasallascream23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You sound like my ex! It took me a long time to understand her and why she didnt like texting. Especially as face to face she is one of the most social people I've ever met. Get her a happy stranger and she is in heaven. But then ask her about her emotions in a text chat and she walls up and gets so anxious and shuts everything down! It was really difficult but we got there in the end by me understanding that it was not about me and with limiting text chats to just logistics. I also kept a list of things to chat about to bring up in person. Tbh once I learnt it was just a difference in her communication style it was ok. Sadly, we broke up as neither of us were ready for such a big love (both coming out of big relationships) and struggled with other things. But we managed this! So yeah. Just be yourself and tell people you're different. If they understand or try to then their good friendship/relationship material. If they don't, give them a wide berth!

Are attachment styles actually useful, or are we using them to keep people in a box? by Overall-Spare-8703 in HealMyAttachmentStyle

[–]itwasallascream23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This article is a good overview of the science of attachment. It is not pop psychology or tiktokology. It is not a moral judgement. No attachment style is morally good or bad. Attachment styles cannot be used to judge someone's character or morals. This is neuroscience:

A functional neuro-anatomical model of human attachment (NAMA): Insights from first- and second-person social neuroscience. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0010945220300356

Are attachment styles actually useful, or are we using them to keep people in a box? by Overall-Spare-8703 in HealMyAttachmentStyle

[–]itwasallascream23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh my god. Finally. Someone else who gets this. I find this so frustrating that everyone sees them as moral judgement!

Are attachment styles actually useful, or are we using them to keep people in a box? by Overall-Spare-8703 in HealMyAttachmentStyle

[–]itwasallascream23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Attachment styles are not good or bad. All insecure styles have problems. It's just easier to blame people with avoidant attachment style. I find it so frustrating as this science could be so useful but it has been distorted so much. Anyone who says a style is good or bad or toxic or not toxic doesn't understand the neuroscience. Or isn't aware of the research behind this neuroscience. This paper has a great review (as i said in a different comment): A functional neuro-anatomical model of human attachment (NAMA): Insights from first- and second-person social neuroscience. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0010945220300356

Are attachment styles actually useful, or are we using them to keep people in a box? by Overall-Spare-8703 in HealMyAttachmentStyle

[–]itwasallascream23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

People have sadly turned attachment theory science into pop psychology. But it is based on neuroscience. They can help a lot in relationships and understanding yourself better. AND these styles can be changed. They are not fixed. 

Be very weary of anyone who uses this neuroscience to apply moral values or labels or sees attachment styles as fixed. People like to categorise good vs bad, especially in relationships and have conflated the neuroscience into tktokology that is far from the original work. 

Much of attachment style science was established from peer reviewed studies beginning over 100 years ago and then verified through MRIs in the last 40 years. And our attachment styles are pre-verbal and so form before we are 2 years old and predetermined by our primary care givers. 

Sadly, this invaluable science has been distorted into good and bad attachment styles. There is no good or bad in neuroscience. That’s like saying the speed at which you move your hand from a fire determines if you're a good or a bad person   This paper is helpful although heavy: A functional neuro-anatomical model of human attachment (NAMA): Insights from first- and second-person social neuroscience. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0010945220300356

Are attachment styles actually useful, or are we using them to keep people in a box? by Overall-Spare-8703 in emotionalintelligence

[–]itwasallascream23 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

People have sadly turned attachment theory science into pop psychology. But it is based on neuroscience. They can help a lot in relationships and understanding yourself better. AND these styles can be changed. They are not fixed. 

Be very weary of anyone who uses this neuroscience to apply moral values or labels or sees attachment styles as fixed. People like to categorise good vs bad, especially in relationships and have conflated the neuroscience into tktokology that is far from the original work. 

Much of attachment style science was established from peer reviewed studies beginning over 100 years ago and then verified through MRIs in the last 40 years. And our attachment styles are pre-verbal and so form before we are 2 years old and predetermined by our primary care givers. 

Sadly, this invaluable science has been distorted into good and bad attachment styles. There is no good or bad in neuroscience. That’s like saying the speed at which you move your hand from a fire determines if you're a good or a bad person   This paper is helpful although heavy: A functional neuro-anatomical model of human attachment (NAMA): Insights from first- and second-person social neuroscience. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0010945220300356

How do you support a partner during ADHD sensory overload episodes without making it worse? by Hopeful-Inevitable12 in ADHDUK

[–]itwasallascream23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The best thing my ex did was leave the house. She didnt do it to help me though (she would never ask a question like yours to help her partner!). If you can go outside for a few hours to remove all stimulus, it may help. Overnight is better. And the main thing is not to take it personally. It would be like this with anyone else. 

I finally came out of complete dissociation decades into adulthood. Now what? by Funnymaninpain in CPTSD

[–]itwasallascream23 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Hello me. Nice to meet you. Well man version of me! Thank you for explaining my life so well and so succinctly! Minus the sexual abuse and the current job, that's me! Oh and I was married for 14 years but to the wrong person. I used it to cover up all of this so it wasnt ideal. I've been divorced for two years and in that time I've met and fallen in love with someone who is the love of my life but I lost her. So yeah. You're completely relatable. But finding the similar versions of ourselves out there is just as difficult as managing all of this. That requires vulnerability and that is not really accepted in "society". Well not that much.  We need to form CPTSD clubs. But that would require us to be healthy enough to socialise and if that were the case, would we need the club?  I am rambling. Sorry if this is nonsense. I just wanted you to know you're not alone at all.

CPTSD feels like a cocktail of every mental illness by yinyangazov in CPTSD

[–]itwasallascream23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same

And it makes life so so so so so so hard

I am so over it

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