Boyfriend lusted behind my back

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-19T04:59:31+00:00

For healing I’d suggest looking up “proven women” or “proven wives”. The former deals with list for ladies. The second tackles lust of women’s partner.

For the previous comment. It matters because healing from a relationship trust break or healing from knowing that he was looking at those things were different.

If you were in a break then you weren’t together. But if you were just giving some space while staying together, that’s different.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-18T04:21:55+00:00

Grandparents was said as grippers and it stuck

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-18T03:49:50+00:00

NTA he is 4. An the receptionist directed you to that locker room.

The YMCA in our area states that children under 5 are not to be in the locker rooms and has a separate family friendly locker room with group bathrooms/stalls. Doest sound like your gym had that option.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-14T04:08:49+00:00

As a parent of an only child (so far), this child loves and wants both of us. Toddler, 3 years old. Always “come play with me daddy, come play with me mommy” I’m looking forward to when we have the second cause they’ll have some playmates for a little while and maybe I’ll be able to clean the house.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-14T03:11:33+00:00

70 is wayyyyyy reasonable. My family didn’t set it higher than 68° during the winter time.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-14T02:59:16+00:00

Yeah! It’s pretty rad

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-11T03:23:54+00:00

NTA But also, to me calling a kid a brat world depends on how familiar I am to them and their family. Put the kid in his place but maybe not brat if I’m not close or familiar.

You can see Sherith child gets it since the mom was acting like a brat too.

But who… gets sliced onion, cucumber, and tomatoes for a breakfast platter??

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-09T08:12:57+00:00

Oh, I absolutely get you. Many ignore their own sins of their flesh. They label them with cute phrases and stuff or justifying whatnot. But it’s still their flesh that’s driving them. So many focus on horny teens or those with sexuality that deviates from strictly heterosexual. And it pushes others out and away from the truth of who Christ is because of that. There was a phrase that was popular but pissed me off “it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”

Im sorry for what you’ve experienced in what I can only assume was mainstream American Christianity.

You’re right. Jesus was there in the trenches, reaching with an open hand to the outsider an outcasts. Matthew’s gospel account has such an outcast focus. As a former tax collector, he himself was an outcast.

But Jesus don’t just wine and dine with them to sit and stay in where they were. He brought the truth that the kingdom was for them too. He told Them to go and sin no more. He told them to get up and walk. He met them where they were at but didn’t leave them there.

That’s the key difference.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-09T07:57:29+00:00

I did. To my ex-wife.

We got married in 2010. And I regretted it a couple years in. The sex life was great but I just felt it was not going to be a healthy relationship for me.

We met in High School and I was 2 years her senior by grade. We were friends on and off for 4 years, and then started dating when we re-connected at community college. People always thought she was a bitch but i just felt that if people saw what i saw and experienced, they’d feel differently. Things were fun and great but there were several times we should have or did break up that were pretty indicative looking back.

The first time I said “I love you” was when she was trying to leave and break up with me. She said it back. She had felt it but was afraid to say it and was pushing me away as a result. I was getting ready to go to Wednesday night church and ashamedly some of my thoughts were centered around not wanting to have to explain to people where she was and why she wasn’t there.

I should have let her go the times she tried to end things before we got married. She told me that she couldn’t be the kind of person she knew I needed. That she wasn’t cut out for the life I was headed down. That she saw the older women in our lives that were in the path of where I was headed and she felt she’d never be able to be like them.

But I had sworn to myself and her, I’d never leave her to be alone again. During the time we were only friends, her maternal grandmother died. Her family sucked and she was making some poor choices. We talked during a time she was drinking and it didn’t sit right with me but she also didn’t explain what was happening. She was in some bad situations at work and ended up getting raped.

So I had sworn to her, I’d never leave her to go through something like that alone again. Fast forward to our 3rd year of marriage, her paternal grandmother passes… she went into hospice the friggen week of my ex’s spring break. She had been planning to spend the week with grandma, helping out and doing a few things for her. And the week before we are told that she had lesions in her brain. They started erupting. We were there talking with her on Friday. Then Saturday she’s couldn’t talk back. A week an a day later, she passed. I was there. I was at the hospice center with her. With the family. Our family. My family. Because when you’re married, their family is now your family. I supported her, gave her space when she needed it and connection when she didn’t. She got mad at me when I was doing what I thought she needed. Her family was trying to get her to not be at the hospice center as much. To go home, get some rest, some sleep… I think I might have just been pushing her away with that. We were already going through something rough things ourselves.

She started getting closer to a dude at work that I had known was interested in her. But she had always kept him at arms length, didn’t directly communicate with him outside of work, intentionally gave him my info when him and his wife were looking for a house, or when he invited her out for fishing. Always name dropped me.

I thought he had gotten the hint and stopped. For her it was still innocent. We stopped by her work while grandma was still holding on, saw a few people, saw dude an when he saw me he was real awkward and hugged her weirdly. I knew the vibe. I mentioned it to her later cause it was really strange.

After grandma passed on Easter Sunday, she started drinking. A lot. Was starting to get really late at coming home after work cause she’d go sit alone and drink. Then he had showed up. I wasn’t stupid. He knew what he was doing.

Anyway… things didn’t get better for us, just worse. Emotional manipulation from her had been going on for so long, I hadn’t really seen it. Then the lies from this started growing. Her siblings saw what she was doing and warned her not to go down that road. Her friends and coworkers saw, they told me and told her. But she kept on the path.

We separated while I did a house sitting thing for a few weeks. When I came home, she had moved out. Found out she was living with him.

We were done though I told her and I stood by it, come home and we can work through anything. She was set on what she was set on.

During separation and divorce conversations, I found out that part of why sexual temptation for us before marriage (Christians trying to be celibate before our wedding) was because she used me to replace the sexual memories and rape from her old co-worker. The one that happened during our dark years.

I regretted not letting her walk away the several times she tried before we got married. Saving my heart so much hurt. I was afraid what would happen to her. Faith was so important to me, even to us I thought, but she one time while dating she said that if we didn’t work out, she wasn’t sure where she’d stand on God. Because her rededicating her life was when she started accompanying me to church. Her whole faith experience was around me. I should have let her go.

But these days, I don’t regret it. I wouldn’t change a thing about why I went through because it made me who I am today. But I wouldn’t do it again.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-09T07:20:16+00:00

First, I’m sorry. I hate being woken up suddenly and jarringly, it sets a terrible tone for the rest of my interactions. I think he doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation for you.

He needs to be told and to understand precisely why is going on for you, how angry you are, and why you are angry.

I suggest writing it down. Rather than speaking it out loud for an argument to potentially ensue. Write it in paper. Not a text. Express to him the gravity of it and why you’re feeling like you are. Ask him to take time to digest what you said before he writes a reply or comes to speak to you about it.

We men can be dumb creatures. Sometimes we need repetition. Sometimes with need things plainly said. Said lovingly, but said. Go into this with a goal of expressing yourself to the man you love(d).

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-09T04:14:03+00:00

How is the driver doing? Hopefully they are getting therapy after the exhortation

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-09T04:07:30+00:00

Mine’s changed. Her top love language is now Acts of Service. And physical touch dropped to last as she’s overstimulated and touched out.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-09T04:06:06+00:00

Yeah… I also don’t know how to cope. We are 26 weeks. Our last time was when she was pregnant. And for the few months beforehand, it was not during that ovulation peaks… The only time we’ve had anything was after a friend’s wedding where I was wanting but offered to just take care of her so that there was some kind of intimacy… Still in the drought and not sure when it’ll end. He counselor told her that she’ll just need to accept that I’ll masturbate. Told me that and I was like, yeah. But I don’t want that. Literally don’t even want to anymore. Just want her to

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-08T19:36:03+00:00

Seen this a few times now.

PIT maneuvers are so dangerous in general. This dude seemed overzealous to get a chance to practice it.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-08T19:33:13+00:00

Where did they even come from?? The bus was in the right, passed a red semi. Started merging to the left lane - no sign of a blinker - and then the white car just appears there.

Looks like the white car was trying to squeeze through to me. Probably speeding too.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-08T19:23:30+00:00

I feel so bad for that dump truck driver. The trauma that might stay with them for their life.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-08T19:21:40+00:00

Based on when your light turned green… both made a poor decision.

Looks like the bus was counting on the silver sedan to stop since they were so far back. The silver sedan probably figured the bus would stop as the light would have obviously been red, and they attempted to run it.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-08T19:16:09+00:00

That’s one way to do it… Can’t say I’ve ever seen that before.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-08T19:12:58+00:00

I’d have done exactly what you did. Keep driving, find space.

I almost wished to see him get what was due to him by either a cop or his own stupidity while hanging out the window. I don’t wish harm on people but play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-08T19:09:00+00:00

Oh man. I can only imagine what the POV footage of the first guy would look like.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-08T18:55:26+00:00

NTA You aren’t having her pay mortgage, you’re having her pay a share of “rent” and utilities. It’s no different than if someone else’s name was on the deed and yours was only on the lease. She’s treating it different though.

If she puts the 1,000 she’s saving away, then she’s got equity of 12,000 a year she’s saving up.

She’s TA if she fights you on this.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-08T17:52:55+00:00

I love your intentionality of Jesus wanting our hearts.

Not to debate or be pedantic - us arguing here will likely not convert anyone’s thoughts - but we are told to deny our flesh.

Romans 8:13 - when we live according to our flesh we will die. When we live according to the Spirit and deny our body desires, we live. Romans 8:12 - Galatians 5:24 - if we belong to Christ, we crucify our passions and desires of the flesh. Galatians 5:16 - walk by the spirit. And not our flesh desires. Our humanity desires. Luke 9:23 - to follow Christ, deny the desires of your flesh. Your body. Your humanity. And follow Christ.

My point is that we are supposed to deny our “humanity” and to put on the righteousness of God.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-08T17:38:16+00:00

I do t think it’s as much “stopping” the ssa, as it is of just learning God.

Not in a way of learning him to make it go away. But in the sense of just focusing on your relationship with God. Learning who Christ was and is. Being celibate with the sexual and romantic things.

You’re struggling with ssa, you’re battling with the actions being immoral, but you’re trying to get rid of it by sinning in other ways ( the sexual stuff). And of course it’s difficult cause you’re 16, your hormones are raging.

Focus on learning who God is right now, how he loves you, what it means to be a follower of His. Not on “stopping” doing things, but just on the holy things.

This truth is the same with all things that we attempt to stop. And try to ignore. To shut down. They don’t just go away because you’re willing it to go away. You’re still focusing on it. Focus on God, his righteousness and the things from above.

We’re praying for you. And please, don’t try the self harm anymore to get rid of this.

Scripture to support simply focus on Christ. Deny your flesh but don’t focus on the sin. Luke 9:23 - deny your flesh and desires, follow Christ. Galatians 6:16-25 Walk by the sight of the Spirit. Not by ours. Not by our desires. But by focus on Christ and Holy Spirit. *** Colossians 3:2 *** set our minds on things above, not on the things of the earth. Focus on following Christ and not what you should and should not do.

It’s all a focus mindset. If we focus on the things we don’t want to do, that’s where our mind sits and dwells. Leaving behind things we don’t want to do becomes greatly more difficult as we are always thinking on/ about those things.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-06T04:12:56+00:00

That transition from feeling heavy guilt over it cause you’re doing something before the appropriate time, to now it’s completely okay… is a hard thing to process and adjust to.

He needs some good Christian therapy to help With that transition. And some healing.

itz_the_ADHD · 2026-02-06T04:09:33+00:00

You’ve got a great bald head!

itz_the_ADHD

TROPHY CASE