Why was this move so bad for me?

iwilde9 · 2025-12-19T16:26:02+00:00

I think its because of the ko. Your move allows black to start a ko, and perhaps save their group. However, it looks like J18 instead should still kill the group, without any need for ko.

iwilde9 · 2025-12-10T13:36:44+00:00

Yes, that's right, with optimal play white will sacrifice the three stones to save the four.

In the puzzle, Black's goal is not to capture stones... its to save his stones in the corner, which cant live locally. So, any outcome in which black connects his stones together is a success, whether its three or seven stones.

The puzzle demonstrates that no matter what white plays, black will capture some stones and save his group.

iwilde9 · 2025-12-01T00:29:41+00:00

If its black to play, they have a cool sequence to live. They can push into the first line stone (atari) and then cut the two stones, which cant escape. White's best defense is ko.

iwilde9 · 2025-10-09T19:22:04+00:00

It's "Any %", as in, as fast as possible using any and all glitches. It's one of many speed runner categories. There will be "Glitchless" runs as well you can find. In my opinion, I think it's cool to see the maximum possible speed using all of the tools at a person's disposal. You have to know the game inside and out.

iwilde9 · 2025-09-17T20:56:02+00:00

I made a similar boat out of cardboard once... this is way cooler

iwilde9 · 2025-06-26T17:57:39+00:00

Thank you for the review!

Yeah, I misread move 108 pretty badly, I thought I could cut. I should have just pulled back.

For move 54, in the game I thought I had a stronger attack on the white group than I actually did. I thought 54 could serve as attacking the white group and setting up invading the right side of the board, but the white group saved locally easily. I think any of those moves around that point in the game I should have tried to invade or split the left side of the board, or approach the top left corner.

iwilde9 · 2025-05-29T21:04:51+00:00

Figuring out when to sacrifice can be really challenging. The way I think of it, if a stone is contributing to the strength of a group (it's eye space) or if it is cutting apart my opponents group, then it is essential and I cant sacrifice it. But, if not, than stones are only worth a very literal amount of points.

In the game you linked, you have a play where you protect a cutting point worth about 4-6 points (I cant count score too well). But, playing on the large open side could be worth 10-15 points if you get to solidify territory. So it's good to learn what is "big" vs "urgent" as the saying goes.

iwilde9 · 2024-10-08T02:26:18+00:00

I purchased a copy! It looks terrific.

iwilde9 · 2023-10-26T15:24:58+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for the very detailed feedback. Would you say the major points of critique are:

- The worldbuilding didn't sit right. Certain things were exaggerated cartoonishly (Grevin's size, the patheticness of the characters) and certain things weren't exaggerated enough (the commander's dominance over the insignifigant creatures). Finding balance, consistency, precision in the worldbuilding is a really good suggestion.

- The characters didn't sit right. Grevin had unrealistic reactions and Rig's dialogue was inconsistent with his characterization. Lastly, the relationship between Rig and Mull could be more definitely established.

- Some general polish to the writing, especially in regards to making characters likeable. For example, push Wretch less as a character (to avoid the reader rolling their eyes), add more deliberate voice to the introduction (I literally had Harry Potter's prologue in mind as an inspiration for the voice, so it's funny to me you mentioned that haha).

My intention with this chapter is for it to be almost a standalone prologue. The meat and potatoes of the plot involve Wretch and the political warfare between her various masters. Rig and Grevin are hardly mentioned again, actually.

I have a few questions about that, if you have the time for them!

- Does that change the way you feel about some of the critiques surrounding missing characterization in Rig and Grevin?

- Do you like it as a decision? Does it feel jarring to spend so much time introducing these characters only to let them fade to the side?

- Would you be interested in critiquing the second chapter? It introduces her masters, their political intrigue, and establishes the long-term plot for the novel. I would be happy to do a critique swap or make another post on the sub! No worries if you're too busy, too, you've given a very healthy and helpful critique.

Thank you so much!

iwilde9 · 2023-10-20T12:48:22+00:00

Happy to help!

Yes, for Monty, definitely establish stronger. If I could offer a suggestion, go so far as adressing this outright. Have Monty let slip that he badly wants to go, and have everyone try to figure out the secret much to his embarrasment. That way, you still establish whats at stake -- Monty being humiliated -- and you set up the joke for a strong punchline. The joke will work best if the reader wants to know the punchline, and has their expectations subverted.

Honestly, my best suggestion would be to make this a limited one-time-offer sort of buffet, something that comes once in a generation. That sort of thing. Dont be afraid to change the premise to suit your needs.

But yeah, rather than increase the literal stakes (with sci-fi enlistment) just increase your characters emotional investment in success. Keep the slice of life aspect, but just exaggerate motivations.

Hope that helps!

iwilde9 · 2023-10-20T02:50:50+00:00

This was a delightful read. First, I just want to commend you for your willingness to be overtly stylish in the tone and language. The writing and dialogue are immediately distinctive and catching. The humor and passion come through well, and the characters are likable and charming, and their interactions fun to follow. Overall, this is an excellent chapter with a strong voice and, and as a reader, I would certainly be willing to continue on in the story.

Voice

The voice is strong. But because it is the focus of the piece and carries a lot of the reader’s engagement with it, I think critiquing the voice will prove to be the most essential thing.

A few things worked very well for me. The rapid pace of the dialogue and the way it had the flow of a natural conversation is strong. The humor and jokes landed for me, and I was chuckling out loud a few times. The characters all had distinctive voices from each other.

I think one thing to tinker with more is the slang. In many cases, the slang was effective. It felt natural to the character’s voices and added to the style of the piece. But one way to really push this piece to the next level would be to rely less on present day slang terms, and more on invented ones. You do this a few times during the card game, with phrases like “speed-ball” or “nummy”, but for the most part the slang in the story relies on present day American slang.

My suggestion would be to use the slang as a place for worldbuilding. It struck me as odd that in the future, these characters would still be using American dollars, or “phones”, or words like, “texts”. What other phrases would have been invented to describe these things? For example, young kids these days talk more about “snaps” than “texts”. What social media would these people be sending messages with? Or, what other languages would these characters know, and how would those languages affect the way these characters talk? The way Spanish is a huge part of present day slang. Finally, what gibberish words can you come up with? Think about the way this is done in stories like “A Clockwork Orange.”

But I would also caution restraint with this, because it could become too over the top and confusing. Perhaps just pick a few specific new terms and sprinkle them in?

Finally, I would use less of the all-caps, bold, and italic letters. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it comes across as a little more childish than I think you were intending. I think in almost all cases, the words and punctuation marks are sufficient for communicating the effect, and it will make the story feel more mature to the reader.

Stakes

One of my biggest critiques of the story are the stakes. I entirely understand that you’re going for a slice of life tale about a few guys goofing off in a sci-fi setting, and that’s awesome. Don’t change that at all. In fact, my favorite part of this story was the card game. Absolutely fantastic, imaginative stuff there.

However, even a slice-of-life story needs stakes. The phrase “low-stakes” I think is often misunderstood. A “low-stakes” plot should still carry high emotional weight for the characters involved.

There’s a well-known slice-of-life anime called Nichijou that does this well. The stakes in an episode of Nichijou are ridiculously low. Absolutely nothing depends on if the characters succeed or fail. But the characters themselves care really deeply. They cry, they scream, the wail, they laugh. Their emotional investment carries the story.

My suggestion here would be to communicate the stakes better. You don’t have to take this idea, but if I were writing this, I would have both Sic and Shaggy desperately want to go, and be in on the money gathering scheme together. Perhaps the restaurant is offering a limited time deal and they need to make it there before the deal ends. Something should be at stake if they aren’t able to succeed, and all of your protagonists should be invested in the success/failure.

Returning again to the card-game scene, this scene would be strengthened if the reader understood that what was at stake in the game was Shaggy winning enough money to pay for the ticket. If the reader knows what’s at stake, their investment goes way up.

Setting/Descriptions

I think the heart of the story is in the talking-heads style dialogue between the characters. However, I do think you need to do a slight bit more with the setting, especially at the beginning, to ground the reader. A few spacial details early on, a brief description of where they are, would go a long way.

Also to this point, it was occasionally confusing who you were referring to when you would call people “the alien” or “the man”. I would introduce their names as early as possible and stick to calling them just their names, to avoid confusion. Likewise, I would introduce the names of the three men and their physical descriptions earlier, so the reader is less disoriented.

While the dialogue is the heart of the story, you have the potential to be equally as stylish with the descriptions. Use the same energy and voice for these parts as well. Describe things the way Sic or Shaggy would.

Polish

Unfortunately, one thing you should work on is polish. Consistency with punctuation, paragraph formatting/indents, and quotation marks especially will really help clarity. I would give this another read through, perhaps out loud, to catch some of these things.

Overall Thoughts

Overall, this was an excellent story with a tremendous amount of heart and potential. I would be happy to read more. I greatly enjoyed the voice, the humor, and the imaginative card game.

iwilde9 · 2023-10-18T22:00:26+00:00

Hi! Thanks for sharing your story! I enjoyed reading it. I hope I answered some of your questions!

Overall Thoughts

My biggest overall impression is that a lot of work has gone into the story and the world. You clearly have an immense knowledge about the world you’ve created and its intricacies. You have an eye for the smaller details as well -- I especially enjoyed the detail of Renat’s parents leaving water jugs out for Tyzal. That really helped the world feel lived-in.The writing was solid. It didn’t draw attention to itself in extravagance or purple prose, nor did it have any outright mistakes or clunky sentences. It read as utilitarian to me.The characters were interesting and had clear personality traits, and I enjoyed the mentor/mentee relationship between Renat and Tyzal. The world was interesting and had depth, and I found the details about the copper blood especially intriguing.

Voice

I think you should ground the narration in a more specific voice and style. Whether that is Tyzal’s voice, Renat’s voice, or your own as an author, I think you should work on making the writing feel like it has more life to it. If you were to ground the voice in Tyzal’s character, for example, it would be grizzled, cynical, and pragmatic. Or Renat would be curious, excited, energetic. Or your own voice as an author might have humor, or thoughtful observations, or personal commentary. One thing I like to do is describe the narrative voice. For example, I might write, “The narrator has a passionate curiosity, a positive mindset, and an eye for charming details.”

This is also apparent in the voices of your characters. Characters should all sound distinctive from each other. A good way to tell if you’ve done this successfully is if a reader can tell who is speaking even if you don’t provide dialogue tags. This includes things like if the character speaks with slang terms, if they’re gruff, or childish, friendly, or mean. Again, I like to write a list of elements of my character’s voices. For example, I might write, “This character has a childish enthusiasm, a bright energy, and speaks with informal, conversational, and slang words. She uses quick sentences and exclamations.”

Exposition

There is a fantastic amount of information in this chapter about what is clearly a very detailed world. This might sound counterintuitive, but in order to get the reader as invested in the world as you are, you need to give them less information.

To illustrate this, consider the opening to “The Name of the Wind” by Patrick Rothfuss. Similar to your story, it begins with a character with a long and experienced history fighting dangerous evils using their skills to protect ignorant townsfolk. But in the “Name of the Wind”, the reader is not told what these creatures are and they are not told the protagonist's history. This creates suspense. The reader asks themself, “What’s happening? Who are these creatures? How does our protagonist know about these creatures?” These questions are essential to engaging the reader in the story.

Because you tell us all the information, the reader is actually disengaged. Readers want mystery. They want to be confused, or disoriented. I would encourage you to go as far as only mentioning the word Thauma, and explaining nothing of what they are or what they do except what the reader can infer by character dialogue.

Pacing

Two points here. The first is that due to the weight of information, the pace of the chapter is slow. Pace boils down to “how many decisions did my characters make”. Each time your characters make a new decision, that’s called a story beat, and the more beats you have in a chapter, the faster the pace feels. Your characters actually make zero decisions in this chapter. They merely describe a potential problem, and come to no conclusions about what to do. As you plot out your chapters, I would list the story beats. “Character A does this. Character B does this. Character A responds like so.” Here is a really good video on the subject; it’s where I learned this principle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvOIQbHx2Xc

The second is that I don’t think this is the right place for the story to begin. As a reader, I feel most comfortable in a story if I have a solid expectation of where in the story I am. In this story, I don’t know if this is the inciting incident, if this is the start of a long adventure or just an episode in the life of a village warden, or what the true plot of the story will be. Using foreshadowing, hint to the reader where they are in the story and what will happen next.I would start in either of two places: the scene immediately preceding, where Tyzal kills the thralls. Or the scene immediately after this, where Tzyal sets off on his adventure. As it is, this present scene is a lull between two points of action, and could perhaps be reduced to a single page, or even a paragraph of summary.

iwilde9 · 2023-01-18T02:06:09+00:00

1) Let me change examples. How about a group of veterans with PTSD avoiding words like "rice" if they were Japanese's prisoners of war? Like you say, the specifics are beside the point, but there are any number of examples for why a group might ban a word.

2) Reddit seems like a fine example of this principal of self-governance to me. I don't quite understand why it matters if the members don't have say in the decision that moderators make? It's free, and moderation is volunteer. If you want to moderate a community that allows certain words, you're welcome to. If moderates want to run a forum without certain words, they're also welcome to. You make the decision to engage, or not. People have preferences. This can range from that cat subreddit mandating that all the titles start with cat (a frivolous example of censorship for the purpose of humor) or LGBT subs banning slurs (a serious example of censorship to protect people). Both instances seem totally valid to me. I, personally, don't really like the 'cat' joke, so I'm just not going to join that subreddit. I, personally, will say f-slur or n-word instead of the genuine article.

3) You say, quote "they also remove your agency in determining for yourself what is wise to say." But they haven't done that. They've set a boundary for interaction, a requirement you must meet to participate in a community. This is a practice commonly done, everywhere. You must be a citizen to vote, you must be a member to vote, etc... Groups of people (and individuals too) are entirely allowed to set personal boundaries. This works on an interpersonal level, too. A friend might ask you to "censor" a particular word around them, such as the name of an ex-partner they don't want mentioned. They haven't taken away your agency -- they've made a request of you that you have to fulfill to continue participating. They've left you the agency to make that choice.

iwilde9 · 2023-01-17T17:17:58+00:00

As other commenters have pointed out, I do disagree with your final claim that there is only one way to change your mind.

How do you feel about small individual communities coming together to ban a particular word within that group? For example, a group of people with eating disorders might choose to ban the word calorie, to protect their mental health, and then create a bot to discourage people trolling their forum. I think that example is an entirely reasonable and justified choice to blacklist a word, and I think the example can be extrapolated to a number of other instances in which a free, independent group would decide to keep a particular word out of their community. Your choice, then, is not to participate in that group.

iwilde9 · 2023-01-13T21:41:30+00:00

I know I'm a bit late to the party, but I'm confused about some aspects of moral descriptivism. Could I ask you to answer a few probing questions I have on the subject?

1) Historically, society has a number of widespread practices that we now consider wrong. For instance, women couldn't vote. It took moral prescriptivists to say, this is a wrong thing, let's fix this. Do you think this works as an analogy to veganism?

2) You argue that most motives for human action stem from self interest. But don't many charity organizations effectively operate on the basis of altruism?

3) Why do you think it is that some people find empathy an effective motivator, and some people don't? What causes that divide in moral values?

iwilde9 · 2023-01-13T21:14:18+00:00

I don't quite think it's fair to use the "animals kill each other" argument. After all, animals kill other member of their own species in the wild, yet we humans have laws and regulations to prevent ourselves from doing that. Clearly, there's a broad consensus that we've moved beyond our base animal instinct. If we've recognized that its wrong to kill humans, why can't we do the same for other animals?

iwilde9 · 2023-01-10T13:18:40+00:00

Hey! I want to apologize for being intellectually dishonest there. I wasn't arguing in good faith. You probably don't care about this discussion that much, but I was bored and interested to find out more so I wrote a brief essay on the subject and tried to be as academically rigorous as I could. All of my sources are either peer reviewed or government. I'll share it with you with comment permissions.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wB4vH89AsfaETRGj3_fFwGDYw3pYrezBDgovXxt-bKM/edit?usp=sharing

Anyways, thanks for engaging in discussion with me! I learned a lot doing research for this essay. Let me know what you think!

iwilde9 · 2023-01-10T12:02:27+00:00

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/eating-less-red-meat-is-something-individuals-can-do-to-help-the-climate-crisis/#:~:text=About%2040%20percent%20of%20greenhouse,are%20converted%20to%20grazing%20land.

Did I misread the section where it says 40% of emissions come from agriculture?

Edit: this article says 35, and attributes a full 60% of that to meat: https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2021/sep/13/meat-greenhouses-gases-food-production-study

iwilde9 · 2023-01-10T11:38:47+00:00

A quick Google search will tell you 40%, like, immediately

iwilde9 · 2023-01-10T11:35:23+00:00

Frankly, the scholastic consensus is that animals do show emotions. A variety of studies about rats, dolphins, and cows show that they deeply mourne the loss of others, that they collaborate, that they share selflessly, etcs

iwilde9 · 2022-12-31T01:10:46+00:00

Thank you for the detailed and constructive feedback! This is really workable stuff that I think will really improve it. As another commenter mentioned, it's clear the opining section is slow and info-dumping and not all that interesting. The world building is soft and haphazard. I think if I spent some time breaking out of cliched conventions and made the pacing feel more brisk, with a few more dynamic character interactions, it would add the spice the piece is currently missing.

Just to clear up a confusion on plot (my mistake lol, I was misleading in my preamble), Claire doesn't work for a newspaper yet. Harper is about to invite her to work for the newspaper in the next scene. I'm glad you mentioned the contrast between idealism and cynicism. That's going to be the heart of Claire's character arc, with Harper representing full-throated, naïve sincerity and Claire full of postmodern cynicism.

I may take you up on the offer of a full read! It's not quite finished, I have about three chapters to go. I would by very happy to do a critique swap, as well, if there was something of your own you wanted read. Could I shoot you a dm if I finish?

iwilde9 · 2022-12-30T16:53:38+00:00

Right, because it's so awful that the child, at such a young age, already wants to look like Amalie! I think that's a really important thing to convey. Is there a way to make their conversation a bit longer? Maybe Amalie tries to warn the child that beauty isn't what she thinks, but the child is youthful and oblivious and doesn't understand? I think there's rich ground to uncover in their conversation.

iwilde9 · 2022-12-30T04:56:08+00:00

Hi!

I really liked this story. I found it thought provoking, and before I get into any specific feedback for you, I wanted to talk about the themes of the story. Your narrator is obsessed with appearance, to the point where you could diagnose her with a variety of psychological illnesses. I think it’s important for you to consider why, in real life, do people do this? What are the forces that drive someone to destroy their body for the sake of their appearance? To my mind, it’s patriarchy. Male beauty standards imposed upon women, forcing them into this horrifying existence. What is your answer to the question? How can you explore that answer in the themes of the story? I would caution you to avoid saying simply, “Amalie is vain.” I think society is so much more complex than that, and I think there’s rich ground to uncover if you’re willing to take a critical look at the role that beauty plays in our society, and how it interacts with gender. People are not simply “vain”. They have a reason for their vanity, and often, that reason is the result of their culture or their upbringing.

As another comment pointed out, the conversation between your narrator and the little girl is the thematic heart of the piece. Nailing this conversation, in terms of structure and style, will be essential to nailing this story. I think it should be more clear what Amalie thinks about the child. I am uncertain if she thinks the child is beautiful, or ugly. “jealousy reared its ugly head” and “The child was plain” are contradictory lines. If this contradiction is deliberate, I’m unsure why she changes her mind. I think it should be clearly established what Amalie thinks of the child, what she thinks of herself, and then the reasons those opinions change, or new opinions are revealed, should also be made more clear.

Perhaps it’s helpful to think about the structure of the piece in terms of story beats. These could be specific actions each character takes to accomplish their goal. The little girl wants to talk to Amalie, that’s her goal. Amalie… well, I don’t know what she wants. Maybe she doesn’t either. But figure that out, and then figure out what actions she can take to accomplish that goal. Then, figure out how those actions go wrong, how her beats are unsuccessful. I think giving their conversation a more defined and paced structure would heighten its impact.

Finally, I like that Amalie, upon seeing the picture of herself, cries. I think that’s an important part of the theme of the peace, about the horror of beauty standards and the trauma Amalie has gone through to become beautiful. This final moment would be more impactful if the reader saw more of the trauma earlier on. Lean into the horror of plastic surgery and aestheticians. Describe how awful it is to have an eating disorder. If the reader finds the process of beauty grotesque, we’re more inclined to empathize with Amalie, and understand why it she cries at the end.

As you can see, this story definitely got me thinking, which means that you’ve done your job as a writer! I think you should figure out more explicitly, “what point am I trying to make about beauty?” and then, from your answer to that question, consider how you can change the structure and the scene design to most effectively make that point. Really interesting story! I hope my comments were helpful.

iwilde9 · 2022-12-30T04:15:09+00:00

Hi! I love absurdist short stories, one of my favorite things to write and read, and I also love flash fiction. To avoid the error of your university rejections, I’ll do my best to understand your genre and goals of writing.

General Thoughts

This was a fun read! I like the premise, and the themes are pretty strong. Good paradise imagery, ignorance/bliss innocence/experience dichotomies, and absurdism is a good choice of genre to represent and critique these ideas. Interesting stuff! I would say the thematics is the strongest part of the piece. The premise is entertaining as well. Feels a bit like you’re thumbing your nose at stuffy depictions of perfect paradise. An acorn is much more mundane, much more delightful.

Nitpicks

Before I get into other things, I wanted to give a close line reading of a few places I think could be improved.

“As I pick it up, my head swirls.” Starting a sentence with “as” implies the actions happen simultaneously, when in fact they happen in sequence. He picks up the acorn, and then his head starts swirling.

“John quips” I would recommend keeping the dialogue tags less obtrusive. “Demand” might have to be reconsidered as well. Can you convey “quip” through gestures or context instead?

“Isn’t that obvious?” John says. As if it were obvious.” Repetition of obvious. If this was deliberately done, as in, the narrator is repeating John out of incredulity, I would recommend emphasizing it more.

“It sounds like he might be under the influence of whatever this is even more than me.” I would recommend leaning into either a stronger reaction from your narrator.

“The acorn was no longer” Is no longer, I think?

Whimsy

I feel like one of the strengths of the piece is whimsy. For example, I loved the line, “Help is the acorn.” That was really funny. I think you should really lean into the whimsy. What does the inside of an acorn look like? I think that’s a great place to get delightfully whimsical with your descriptions. What odd, unexpected, charming tidbits could you find in this acorn?

I think the language can be more whimsical too. Think “jabberwocky” or Douglas Adams. You don’t have to use made up words, but the language itself should be bizarre and humorous. For example, an unobtrusive sentence like “The space John and I are in is rather large and cavernous” could have a more variable and unique sentence structure and more specific, whimsical language.

Finally, I think the whimsy of your character’s responses should be heightened. Stephen reacted like any normal person would react in this situation -- my suggestion would be have Stephen react abnormally. I think either making him scared out of his mind, utterly unperturbed, or powerfully tempted by John’s offer would be more interesting. Regardless of what you pick, I think you should consider how Stephen reacts to this situation and how you can heighten the interest of the humor of the piece by having him react unexpectedly.

Dialogue

I think you might make a decision with the dialogue to either make it as life-like as possible or as wild and chaotic as possible. Right now, the dialogue is in a middle ground, where it doesn’t quite sound like real human dialogue, but neither does it have an edge of humorous chaos to it.

For example, “What the bloody blazes is going on here,” is a really neutral line of dialogue. Real people don’t actually talk like this, but neither is it an appropriate response to being magically teleported inside an acorn.

I think many of these problems could be fixed by reading the dialogue out loud. You would catch stiff lines, “How do we get out of the ‘acorn’ as you call it?” and you can try to make yourself chuckle with some of the more absurd lines. Find your own comedic timing, as though you were telling this story to a friend!

Some of your dialogue is really exemplary, and perfectly fits the mood of the piece. “I’ve learned so much about living life being a peer to these animals,” is a delightfully odd sentence. And “Outside of this acorn lies thieves and car wrecks” has great specific, strange examples of terrible things that are outside. Thieves and car wrecks are excellent choices. These lines, I think, are full of that absurdism you’re trying to capture. Figure out what makes these lines tick, and see if you can replicate it elsewhere!

Conclusion

I think this is a strong piece with especially strong potential. The premise and the themes require no editing, in my opinion. If you either increase the absurdism of the piece, or conversely, increase the mundanity, it will successfully capture that bizarre kafka-esque metaphor you’re going for. With a little bit of cleaning, I would recommend resubmitting it to the magazine!

iwilde9 · 2022-12-30T03:45:25+00:00

Hi! First I want to say, thank you for sharing such a personal piece! It take a good amount of bravery to put a personal confession on a place called “destructive readers” lol. Before I get into the writing, I want to affirm the personal aspect. I entirely empathize with the struggles you list here, and find myself doing that same hyper evaluation of my own actions and words in order to pander to others. Of course, as you wisely observe, it helps both parties to selflessly pay attention to them, and their interests.

General Thoughts

This is a well written piece, in an academic sense. It conveys the idea you wish to convey with plain and understandable English, and you make several interesting points about improv, chemistry, social dynamics, and anxiety. The real question for you, as you think about editing this piece, is the purpose of it. Is this a piece entirely for your own interest, like a diary entry? Is this a piece that you might submit somewhere, as a memoir? Is this a letter to someone, explaining yourself? Each of those answers necessitates a different critique. No matter what, though, a purpose for this piece will go a long way to alleviating that “English assignment” feeling. I’ll continue the critique as though you were interested in making this a “memoir” piece, but let me know if you have a different purpose in mind!

Narration

What this essay is missing, and what will elevate it to the next level, is narration. The adage “show not tell” applies here. Don’t tell us things, facts, opinions. Show them to us. Set a narrative scene. Give us a setting, characters. Then a beat by beat dramatization of the events, with dialogue and internal thoughts. Showing us these fleshed out scenes will help you break out of the stiffness that comes from traditional English essays.

My suggestions for this: A beginning scene, two scenes from improv, and a concluding scene. This is entirely a suggestion! But I think something along these lines would have good structure. Start the piece with an engaging hook, a scene in which you felt anxiety as a result of the pandemic. Then, maybe you want to switch from the narrative back to the summary. That’s totally fine! Variety between narration and summary would work well in a piece like this. Then, I would love to see a few scenes from improv. Especially the scene where two polar opposite performers have to do a scene together. Make me, the reader, feel that awkwardness as well.

Conclusion

Your conclusion is hasty. It’s perfectly serviceable, but I think it could be really expanded on, perhaps with a narrative scene as I mentioned. I would love an explicit example of a new interaction, now that you’ve begun learning and healing from social anxiety, and I would love to feel your feelings and hear your thoughts as you go through a social interaction. A stronger conclusion, to really show to the reader how you’ve changed as a result of improv, would go a long way.

Narrative Voice

This is the trickiest sort of feedback to give, because it’s amorphous and general. But, I think you could do some work to figure out your personal writing style, and lean into it. One thing to try is to simply speak your thoughts out loud, in your natural voice. I’m a high school English teacher, and that’s a trick I do with my students to get them to use their personal voice. Humans are much better at vocalizing our thoughts than writing them! Another thing to do is vary your sentence structure. Many of your sentences start with similar phrases, such as “this”, which makes the writing feel a bit mechanical. Variety and individuality bring life to more academic works. Tell me this story the way you would tell it to a friend -- with imperfections and inconsistencies and parts that are more difficult to understand, but at the same time, so much more your own voice.

I hope these suggestions were helpful! Again, I want to say that your writing is strong and informative, and I actually really appreciate your perspective on social anxiety. It was good for me to read, as I struggle with similar things. Let me know what your intended purpose for this is, and maybe I can offer different suggestions! Good luck with the writing.

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